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Camille87 posted 11/7/2013 15:37 PM

FWH has to supervise former AP at work (it's a long story as to why he can't leave and she either can't or won't). H apologized to her for his deplorable behavior in engaging in an A with her then told her he's going back to his wife and kids and wants nothing to do w her. She took many days off work after that, leaving the office in tears. H was nearly suicidal when he confessed to me and has been and is in IC and MC.

H says he only discusses work related issues with her. I have access to all phone records and work related emails and she knows that I read them.
I want to know what it is like for the FWH to have to continue to relate to a former AP.

H's best friend says H is disgusted with her now that he's over his MLC and the rose colored glasses have fallen from his eyes. BF says I have nothing to worry about.

H says he never intended to leave me or marry her even telling her to not plan her life around him! (and she stayed in the relationship?! Whatever!)

H says he doesn't find her attractive and has even discussed with me some of her personal flaws. I believe him but I still want to understand what he experiences every day having to see her! One time when I asked he said she was a daily reminder of guilt and regret but once you've been physically intimate with someone don't you always have some form of fondness for them?

Can anyone help? Particularly interested in hearing from FWSs

notgoodenough1 posted 11/7/2013 16:23 PM

Camille,
I have to work with my AP partner though I do not have to engage in communicating with him on a daily basis, I do have to at least weekly and because of the way the site is set up and office locations I do see him every day.
Everyday I leave for work in the morning I know that my BH dies a little inside. I know that my still having to work in this situation eats at him like a cancer. I am looking for other work however I carry all the insurance for the family, the only retirement and I make 2x the amount of my husband. I look every day for an opportunity to remove myself from this shit sandwich of a situation that I force down my beloved husbands throat.
I am 100% transparent with my husband. He has the passwords to all of my personal accounts. I do not have a cell for work and my husband has 100% full access to my personal cell at any time. He unfortunatly can not access my work e-mail due to company security, however I have told him repeatedly he is welcome at any time to come into my work and look thru anything he wants on my computer. I absolutly have nothing to hide. Our Co. secuity does not let us delete our delet folder. It transfers over to a different file that he can check if he choses to.
To answer your question,how do I feel everyday having to see my AP? I HATE it. I can not stand to look at him. All I see when I look at him is disgust. Disgust in myself and with him. I see absolutly nothing attractive about him. I actualy avoid looking at him. Even if I have to have a conversation with him. I look at the paperwork, the back wall,the desk,another person, anything but him. I never put myself in a position of being alone with him. Anytime I have to interact with him I make sure it is not alone. Being in the same room with him brings bile to the back of my throat. When I see him it brings forth all of the feeling of guilt and regret about what I did. I does get overwhelming, more than once I have ended up in the bathroom having an anxiety attack. I refuse or make an excuse to not attend any assignment/class/training that has anything to do with him.
I am not a good writer but I hope that a genuie feeling of vile disgust,guilt and mostly regret of my actions has managed to seep thru.

Camille87 posted 11/8/2013 16:47 PM

Wow! Notgoodenough1 thanks for that. Although H doesn't have physical ailments like you described you helped me see that it's not always true that a fondness exists after the A is over. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Tesa posted 11/8/2013 17:01 PM

....but once you've been physically intimate with someone don't you always have some form of fondness for them?

I have no fondness for my ex-h, AT ALL.

notgoodenough1 posted 11/8/2013 17:11 PM

Camille please do not be sorry for my pain.I do not deserve your sympaty. I brought it on myself. I am sorry for the pain I brought to my husband.
I have absolutly NO fondnes/luuv/rainbow unicorn skittle farting feeling for my AP at all

OldCow18 posted 11/8/2013 17:13 PM

I struggle with understanding this as well. If I'm at a party or whatever and an ex is there, or even someone I kissed in high school, there's just a different vibe with that person, even though I feel absolutely nothing for them, you just know when you are in a room with someone you've been intimate with, kwim?

WH also works with OW and it will be the death of us, I'm sure of it. She's in our lives every day, even if he now hates her, as a constant scrape on the wound.

Scubachick posted 11/9/2013 03:07 AM

The OW still works for my husband. They only see each other on Sunday nights. At the end of the night he has to go in a room with her alone and verify cash. It takes about 10 min. I hate this part!!

He swears he can't stand to even look at her anymore and says as little as possible to her....I didn't really believe it. However, I went to work with him tonight and went into the security room while he was busy. I watched the surveillance video of them last Sunday. He was telling the truth. She looked really nervous and uncomfortable. He wouldn't even look at her. He didn't even say hi. All he said was "is this everything". He walked out and didn't even wait for her to go first. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.