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Friend is now BH, WW had EA, how can I help?

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CryingGreenEyes posted 11/7/2013 16:00 PM

A dear friend of mine has joined our ranks... for the second time. A little history...

Years ago, my friend (C)was married to my high school best friend. They had some good years, although they struggled at times, all in all things were good for them. Until, my now former best friend decided to have an affair. She destroyed C's world. He loved his wife and he loved his family. Ultimately, she became pregnant by the OM and left the marriage. He was completely devastated. It took quite some time for him to bounce back after that betrayal. Once he started dating again, he met a wonderful woman I'll call (P) (slightly older than him) and they had a fantastic relationship. Stress free, good times for them both. They were not exclusive and during this time he met another woman, we'll call her (A). A had insecurity issues from the get-go and basically chased P out of his life.

So my friend C began an exclusive relationship with A. After dating for awhile, A and her daughter moved into C's house with him and his kids. For a few years all seemed well. Eventually, A began pressuring C to get married, and he eventually gave in. Their marriage wasn't perfect, but there was no reason to suspect it wouldn't last. Over time, communication between them broke down. Their individual needs were not being met and instead of confronting this head on, they both just ignored it... I assume they hoped the problem would fix itself. This allowed the distance to grow between them.

Well, my friend C just discovered that his wife has been having an emotional affair with a man she met on the online game Second Life. Although they haven't met in person, their conversations extended beyond the game and into inappropriate, sexual text messages. Apparently this game really allows you to live a second life. The characters interact and can even have sexual encounters in this game!!! Who knew??!! My friend C discovered that is what has been happening and he is devastated all over again. He is a good guy. He gives his whole heart and when he commits it is 100%!

When this confrontation happened, things got physical. C was trying to pry A's cell phone from her hands. He never hit her, but he was pulling at her hands to get the phone. Clearly crossed a line and he feels terrible about that. He needed some answers and knew that phone held them. A is not completely owning her part in this. She is doing what she can to turn this thing around and make it his fault. I feel terrible for him. They are both my friends, but my loyalty will always be with my friend C!

I have suggested he come here. I don't believe he has done that as of this point. I have told him of my experiences and offered him as much advice as I can muster. He doesn't think that their marriage will survive this. He is experiencing depression and anxiety. A seems unwilling at this point to put in the energy and hard work it will take to fix this mess. And C isn't going to try to do it alone. I am hoping some of you will offer advice, guidance and support so that I can share it with him and convince him to come here on his own. I don't know what I would have done without all of you here when I needed you!!! Please, help me to help my friend C!!!

Simple posted 11/7/2013 16:26 PM

I've told people about SI when I found out what they are going through. Then I stop. Whatever they choose after that is theirs no matter how much sorrow it gives us that they are just stumbling along... C has to pick himself up and move. We can't do it for him.

I'm sorry for the helplessness you're feeling regarding C's pain. All you can do is tell him you're here for him if he ever wants someone to talk to and help. And keep saying SI. That's pretty much it.

CryingGreenEyes posted 11/7/2013 16:33 PM

Thanks Simple! It breaks my heart to see him going through this. He's one of the good ones! No one should ever go through this sh*t once... this is his second trip through this mine field! This brings up all the old pain from my experiences. It just really sucks that one person's selfishness can completely destroy someone else!

MediumRare posted 11/7/2013 16:34 PM

SI may or may not be for him, but you can definitely suggest it as a safe haven where he can openly discuss this with people that understand and can console him in his grief of this discovery.

More importantly, I'd simply keep reminding him that the pain, confusion and anger he feels is perfectly natural. Remind him this is only temporary- he will not always feel this way and the weeks/months after DDay are not always sane or rational. Infidelity is the mother-fucker of all thunderous, volcanic eruptions of chaos and smoldering brimstone, with the weight of a million tons of granite boulders dropped all at once on your body and on your soul.. all at once. It's natural for the body and mind to react and feel this way... but it does get better.

I wish your friend grace and peace on this roller coaster ride that has only just begun.

CryingGreenEyes posted 11/7/2013 16:41 PM

Infidelity is the mother-fucker of all thunderous, volcanic eruptions of chaos and smoldering brimstone, with the weight of a million tons of granite boulders dropped all at once on your body and on your soul.. all at once.

Is that the Miriam Webster definition? Truth!!! And you're right, it does get better, I know that first hand (truly wish I didn't)

It's so hard to see past the pain in the beginning, I am just hoping that of all of the words of wisdom shared here, something, just one thing will touch his soul and make him realize he is not alone and there are people that will help him through those darkest hours. Just praying my dear friend suffers as little as possible. Thanks MediumRare

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