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Did you manage to coexist?

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FoolishMom posted 11/7/2013 16:02 PM

I am ready to get a divorce. I met with my lawyer. He is drawing up the papers. I simply have to sign them when I want to do it. My lawyer says I will file for temporary custody and an exclusion order to keep my WH out of our house, but that it won't be official until after the hearing about 2-3 weeks after I file.
I'm wondering what to do in the meantime. I plan to ask WH to leave the house, but that isn't likely to be his plan. I don't know if we can coexist after I file. He can be verbally abusive to me and I worry about him wanting to start fights in front of our very young DD's. However, I will not leave my kids with him but have no grounds to take them away from him (yet). Anybody manage to stay in the same house as your WS while going through the divorce? Should I plan on packing up the girls and staying at my sister's (even though he might try to stop me and cause a big scene in front of the kids)?
I know you don't know my WH at all, but I just don't know what to expect from him in this situation. Any stories you have would be helpful.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/7/2013 16:06 PM

I don't have any advice but I am in the same situation. Good to know that you were able to get something to get him out eventually. I know mine will not leave and I can't live with him after. It will be hell.

Merlin posted 11/7/2013 16:16 PM

My now ex-W and I lived in the same house from d-day until she moved out 6 weeks later. It was awful for me.

Initially we slept in the same bed. But I was insomniac knowing what had happened and what was going on. When I asked her if she was having trouble sleeping, she simply said ' no'. I asked her to sleep on a downstairs couch until she moved out and she said 'yes'.

None of betrayal, infidelity and divorce is fun. But that was the worst and most creepy thing I've experienced.

I think she said 'yes' when she did and slept on the couch and then moved out out of guilt. But who really knows?

Maybe you can use that.

Abbondad posted 11/7/2013 16:50 PM

Mom,

I'm sorry about the painful position you are in. If I had filed when we still lived under the same roof (we were/separated) it would have been hell, as I know my STBXWW would have made scenes that would upset the kids. (Even now she has no qualms about doing this.).

My advice is to separate if at all possible to avoid such conflict; divorce, as I have found out, brings out shocking, ugly sides, especially from cheating spouses who hate you now that you have asserted control. If there is a legal way to remove yourself and the children from his presence, please pursue it.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:50 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 11/7/2013 17:31 PM

I tried it , for not even a month and the emotional abuse that I suffered was un bearable!! I would never ever do that again! After the third week she went to family court with lies and had me removed by police. So that is my experience briefly. I do not know details of your situation but I do know when the cheater is cornered they do some emotional abusing . If you are strong enough for that and it is in your best interest than ok . All the best.

Rainbows posted 11/8/2013 01:31 AM

I did it for a couple of months and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

If you stay under the same roof, please do everything you can to protect yourself physically, emotionally and legally. Once you start ending the M, your spouse is no longer on your side. They become focused on protecting themselves and their interests. It's a strong word, but they become the enemy.

In my situation, my spouse lied, filed a fake police report, bullied, threatened and intimidated me. He brought OW to our home one night when I was there. I had to record everything (which didn't matter, it's not legal in my state without both parties consenting). He stooped lower than I ever thought he could.

It's best if you have a solution to physically separate just so you can have peace and a safe haven as you go through this painful and challenging process.

hopeandchange posted 11/9/2013 07:48 AM

I have done it for months now. We spent a year after day on R so maybe that makes a difference. Both WW and I were looking for a new home and time gave us good chices. The A and D damaged enough without shooting additional economic holes due to rushed moves. WW moves in December

It can be done. Good luck - you need it

H&C

Nature_Girl posted 11/9/2013 10:03 AM

The waiting period between me filing & knowing he was going to be served was hell on earth. Yes, I stayed in the house with his lying, abusive ass. Yes, I faked it. I was scared to death that he would be able to read my mind & know what was coming. He did sense something, I think, because he started being nicer to me (meaning, he would say "goodnight" and offer to bring me a glass of water before he went to bed, versus just going to bed & not acknowledging my existence).

I used that time to plan my exit. I arranged to have him served at the time/place of my choosing. I was able to put my safety plan in action so my kids & I were out of town (in case he became violent).

It can be done. I needed it to be done that way. I had no friends, no family for hundreds of miles.

I tell you, those two weeks (not a full two weeks, but felt a lifetime) gave me such insight into what it's like to live a lie. To have such a secret in one's heart is devastating. It gave me even more validation that I couldn't be married to him any longer. I didn't and don't ever again want someone in my life who can walk around with that level of deception FOR FUCKING YEARS and act like everything is just fine. That level of deception is terrifying. Anyone who can do it, who CHOOSES to do it so they can cheat on their spouse, is a scary person.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 10:05 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

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