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He did the right thing..building trust

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forgivingnow posted 11/7/2013 16:10 PM

My husband received an email recently from an escort/prostitute he saw 6 years ago(4 times) stating "I'm back" in our town He called her and told her he is not in that lifestyle anymore and to never contact him again and deleted the email. And then he told me about it...
His remorse, horror of receiving that email and what he had done in the past, working on himself..reading, IC and being totally transparent and being honest with me is building my trust and helping me to feel safe. We have talked about boundaries to help me feel safe and he is doing the right things with both his actions and words.

looking forward posted 11/7/2013 16:18 PM

deleted the email. And then he told me about it...

Why did he delete first and THEN tell you?
If he is being open, then I would think that he would show you the email.
...just wondering....

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/7/2013 16:42 PM

That sounds like good news :) in happy for you. The first time my WHs OW texts him he deleted it. We talked about it and he told me he felt awful and didn't want to have me see it. It was his first reaction- out of fear and shame. We talked and I explains how deleting it made me feel like he was hiding something. He has been open since then- the texting stopped once she got the hint. Point being, talk to him about deleting it but try not to read too much into this. Hold in to the good feeling you have about it, but make sure you let him know that you want to see the next message.

forgivingnow posted 11/7/2013 16:42 PM

We talked about that...because I do have full access to his phone & computer & he is transparent. He had feelings of panic & horror & knew he had to respond NC & wanted to be done with it, wants this over. We tightened our boundaries to include he would show me anything, including spam before deleting it.

forgivingnow posted 11/7/2013 16:43 PM

Wonder twin, that was it, a reaction of fear & shame.

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 4:45 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

catlover50 posted 11/7/2013 16:52 PM

Good for you both!

mainlyinpain posted 11/7/2013 16:58 PM

But why did he have to call in response to an email? Why have vocal contact with her again? So there would be no record of the content as there would be if he had just responded in an email?
I hope there is nothing but this would send up alarm bells with me. I'm thinking that he knows you have access to computer and could find her contact email maybe but not see any NC email back from him so he wanted to explain that away by saying he had a NC voice conversation. So you would not insist on an email one and not just a deletion of the email because she could always send more emails if she thought maybe he did not get the first one.
And how did he have her phone number so handy? Was that in the email?
I know I am paranoid (with reason) but I would worry about this and at the least I would want a NC mail sent. Not one that says "as I told you in our phone call" because if the phone call was actually a meet up time arrangement she would know that this was a husband covering tracks email.
So hope nothing is wrong but I would be super-vigilant for a while.

forgivingnow posted 11/7/2013 17:10 PM

Mainlyinpain
I no longer blindly trust...I appreciate your comments. He owns a company, IT has access to everything on the computer, but not content to a phone call, other than the #. I am trusting he would show me if there were any other communication. He is in IC & telling me about things from his family & past that I never knew, he is doing the work & being very vulnerable & honest with myself & IC. I am very proud of him.

losingmyground posted 11/7/2013 18:51 PM

That is a great moment for the both of you!!!! Always nice to hear of couples taking a big step forward rather than backwards!!!!

mainlyinpain posted 11/7/2013 19:06 PM

Good for you and good for him!
Miracles do happen.

How wonderful for you and also for him to be able to finally figure himself out. He will be empowered and you will have the new improved version of him.

It would be so interesting to hear some of his internal processing that led him down this road to redemption.

Does he post here?

forgivingnow posted 11/8/2013 07:23 AM

He doesn't post here. Internal processing...since July is owning his behavior, stating this was never about me or our marriage, it about him, no longer blaming the marriage. Has been reading, going to a very good IC and opening up about his family dynamics, painful memories/events from his past and how that may have shaped who he is, his beliefs & past behavior. As I said I am so proud of him. He is my best friend and the love of my life.

I had TT and in my situation I am grateful for that. 3/2011, 10/2011 & 7-2013. From dday #1 we began putting our relationship first, not work or kids. I would not have been able to handle the full truth, all at once on that first day. He was not ready to own his behavior and blamed our marriage. I was stronger dday #2 and even stronger this past July and he was ready to work on himself. I hope that gives someone hope to hang in there and to not give up.

Crushed18 posted 11/8/2013 11:09 AM

Forgiving now,

Thank you for sharing! It is very encouraging to know that he's working hard on himself and learning to change.

Blessings!

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