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lucy17 posted 11/7/2013 21:12 PM

I just found this in my in-box from WH (so needed today):
I have wronged myself

More importantly

I have wronged you

Worse

I have wronged us

It does not make sense

It was not worth it

How can one so intelligent be so stupid

How can one so loved hurt the source of that love

I do not have answers to the how could it happen

Just the reality that it has

The new mystery

Why is she still here

Why am I still loved

Why.. Why..

The facts, the sad and most wonderful facts

I am not trusted

I am not believed

I am loved and she is still here

Every day, mine

I see her at home

I see her before I sleep

And especially when I wake

She is mine

Iím loved

And I love her

More than I can ever explain

Jrazz posted 11/7/2013 22:34 PM

That's a lotta "I, I, I...". I'm always wary or remorse language that is centered around how the WH feels. I'm glad he's communicating with you, but I urge you not to settle for less than true remorse.

(((lucy)))

lucy17 posted 11/7/2013 22:52 PM

Thank you for pointing this out. I feel like there is something, something not quite there yet but haven't been able to pinpoint it. WH is, and always has been, a very selfish person. He is trying....
This is why MC is must for us--MC lays it on the line and tells him he is acting like a selfish idiot and WH listens to him.

Morhurt posted 11/9/2013 13:19 PM

I get the "I" concern, but I also think it was insightful and understanding. If there are actions behind those sentiments, then I think it's a lovely poem.

fourever posted 11/9/2013 13:25 PM

I get your points, the "I" statements. But, I think he's making an attempt to sort some of this out in his head, and letting you know "he" is thinking about these things. It's a good start. I'd give him a hug.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/9/2013 13:40 PM

No, stop analyzing this!

It is beautiful, remorseful, caring and honest.

lucy17, revel in the beautiful words and understanding from your H.

I hear this;
he has heard you
he understands the severity of what he's done
he's working on himself
he's thinking about you and what he's done when you don't know it
he's focused on the negative choices he's made and not romanticizing his A
he's reaching out to you in a real way
he's being vulnerable with/to you
he's telling you that he's sorry, but more importantly WHAT he's sorry for
he is in awe of who you are and your love for him
he respects you
he loves and appreciates you


Dear god, just take all of that awesomeness and bathe in it. Be happy when happiness is so scarce.

I think you must be a truly wonderful person, and your generosity and intelligence are the only reason your H has this beautiful opportunity.

Smile, be loving to your H and take his loving words. You deserve it.

lucy17 posted 11/9/2013 18:01 PM

Oh my goodness. Thank you all. It's hard to take this poem out of context. I originally thought all the I's in the poem were him taking responsibility. I want to say WH is saying and doing all the "right things" because he is, but he was before and breaking NC without me knowing (to the point of texting her between sending me loving texts) so I am SO CYNICAL! I want to believe. I want to trust. I have been with him half my life and I am who I am so much because of his support through these 16 years. I want the him I used to know was incapable of what he did (and may still be doing???). He has written me one poem in our 16 years together and now in the last 2 months he has written me two (both beautiful). I think he is being emotionally vulnerable. I think he is being true to himself and to me--but I just DON'T KNOW...and am not sure if I will ever know again. He says things like I shouldn't trust him (as in I shouldn't feel badly or guilty about not being able to trust him because he broke my trust and hasn't earned it back), and that he is SO SORRY for what he has done to me and I think he gets it. He holds me when I cry (and I am not a crier). He cries when I am angry (and he is not a crier)He tells me to take my time and to try to tell him what I need. He tells me whatever I do is the right thing and is absolutely "normal" under the terrible circumstances he has caused. He tells me he loves me....and I want to believe.

[This message edited by lucy17 at 6:06 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Akire posted 11/9/2013 18:28 PM

I don't think you need to question that he loves you. The real question is does he love himself enough to deepen his understanding beyond simple acknowledgement of his wrongdoing. I share the cynicism I'm afraid - its definitely impressive and therefore I suspect the goal is to BE impressive, rather than to be real. To dig deep. To BLEED. My 2c.

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