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No good choices.

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Nest2007 posted 11/7/2013 23:23 PM

We are 5 months into R. So much is still so raw. The pain is at times all consuming, day in, day out. But our love and commitment to each other is unquestionable.

I made the decision immediately post DDay not to tell anyone. I knew instantly that I wanted to R, and knew that I didn't want people's opinion of my H and our M to change. fWH offered to confess to our families, our friends, his employer ( a Christian school), our church - anyone I deemed necessary. He has been a model remorseful spouse: open access to all email and texts (he doesn't do social media), no more late nights working (he is home by 5pm every day) NC except for essential work communications (they were teaching partners at a very small school), he calls or tells me about every communication no matter how innocuous... He is doing everything right.

But we are stuck. He is struggling to continue working at the same place as her. I was the founding principal of that school, poured my heart and soul into it for five years til I had our daughter. I have loved living in our town: I have many friends, love our home, our church, have a highly respected reputation due to my previous role at the school. He has struggled in his career, has not made friends, only acquaintances, and doesn't like the town. There is nothing tying him here. My reputation is tied to his: he falls, and in a town our size, the work I did in building that school up to success is wiped out. All that will be remembered is his disgrace.

I have also very recently been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney disease and am in the fight of my life to avoid dialysis or the need for a transplant.

So we have three choices:

1. Leave. I lose everything and have to start over in a new place with no support network, critical in my current health. Generous friends help out with meals, babysitting, support etc. He may be happy in the new location, maybe not. He's always tended to only see the good in a situation until he's moved on to something worse. I will likely end up bitter and resentful toward him at the loss of a life I loved. I also end up consumed by the hatred I have for OW, who would continue to work at MY school. That breaks my heart.

2. Stay. I may be happier, but my H could instead be the one who ends up miserable and resentful. A consequence of his actions? I don't know. That doesn't seem helpful in a M working in R. He has to continue to work with or around OW and put up with the pain.

3. Out the A to his principal. Risk losing his job in the likelihood that OW loses hers. Handled quietly, both their reputations could remain intact, but the likelihood is that OW would blow the lid around town and paint herself as a victim. She is far from that.
(I met with the OW some months after my husband's confession, and among other things was told directly from her that:
- She had found my husband attractive from the time she met him
- She pursued him from that point onward
- She had planned a future with him, even leaving her husband after the affair had ended, in the hope that my husband would change his mind
- She had pursued a friendship with me to justify her pursuit of my husband
- She had attended school on several occasions with the deliberate intent of seducing my husband, only to be rejected
- this quote is from her notpology to me "The fact is that if I had shown more self control, he would never have faltered."
- This is not her first extramarital affair.)
I might then be able to move on in vindication that she got her comeuppance, but my husband potentially has to deal with a lifetime of shame in our town. Further fallout would be that the principal reports to the CEO of the company that runs the school and many others, and my H's father is on the executive if the company. For his parents to find out would devastate my H. He has serious FOO issues as it is and is from a ridiculously patriarchal family: disappointing his parents is unimaginable. But then, H having an A was unimaginable to me...

I desperately want to out her, but that outs my H. And outing them could end up costing me as much as him. But I feel as though it's the only way I can move on, whether here or in a new location.

Help me.

[This message edited by Nest2007 at 11:25 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

reallysad2012 posted 11/8/2013 09:51 AM

I am sorry you are going through so much right now and trying to figure out what to do from here.

I suspect someone else will be along soon with some better advice. I was never in your situation because my fWHs A with a CW began and ended in 2001, but I didn't find out until 2012. So, I never had to live with the knowledge that he was still working with his AP. I have wondered what would have happened if I had known back then. Would we have moved? Would he have changed jobs? I love our town and I love our life in it right now and for that I am glad I didn't know about the A back then. It could have changed so much. I don't think he liked working with his AP after the A ended and I know he was glad when she left the job. I didn't have to suffer knowing they were working together, but if I had and still chose to stay, we would be where we are right now. And I am glad we didn't move.

So, here is what I am thinking for you: at 5 months out it is absolutely normal to feel stuck. You have not had enough time to process the whole thing. It feels like you need to make a big change in order to feel better. I suggest just going day to day right now. Hang on and see how it goes. Time will make it better (everyone hates to hear it, but it is so true).

It sounds like you really want to stay but are worried about your H having trouble working with OW. Then you say you really want to out the OW because it is the only way for you to move on...which is a bit of a different issue than whether to move or not and also not consistent with your first statement that you didn't want to tell anyone. You sound just as confused and conflicted as the everyone always is when going through this crap. (((((Nest2007))))

You have a lot of good reasons not to move and a lot of good reasons not to out the OW but none of it feels right to you and none of it is fair. It just plain sucks and I am sorry you are going through it.

sisoon posted 11/8/2013 10:12 AM

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I can't help thinking the stress of the A is hindering your fight to keep your kidneys functioning.

Are you in IC? Are you close enough to a city to seek IC anonymously. (Even in a small town, any C would be bound ethically to keep your contact confidential, but....) How about a lawyer? your pastor?

I think your actual sitch needs to be discussed face to face with someone. I think a solution really needs the instant feedback of actual conversation.

I will say this: I read that you want to out the ow; that sounds emotional to me. I also read that your head sees lots of advantages to keeping the boat steady. When head and heart are in conflict, I suspect that the heart will always somehow, sometime get its way.

I hope you get head and heart into alignment soon.

Nest2007 posted 11/8/2013 18:57 PM

Sisoon, we're in IC and MC - we had a longstanding relationship with our psychologist due to previous depression for each of us, which has been great as we don't need to fill in the back story as we deal with the A, both individually and together. Our next appointment is Thursday, so we'll discuss it then. As far as the 'if' of leaving goes, my health provides us with a completely logical reason to use with everyone, if that's the decision we make.

I love what you wrote about alignment of head and heart, thank you.

RS2012, you're so right about time; it seems like forever yet I know we are only just beginning. Five months is nothing! :-)

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