Ugh! yesterday was such a good day - today not so much.
I am glad I have the truth now ,well as much of it as i am going to get. H can't remember everything but has started working through it on wayward. He has admitted to himself and to me that he did what he did because he wanted to.
The opportunity was there so he took it.
Problem is I am now minimising it to myself! I think I have all along and despite demanding the truth, when I got it I fought against it.
I know he didn't really want her for her, just what he could get from her. I know if she hadn't s blatantly seduced him he would never have made that move on her. I know he didn't enjoy it, but he did enjoy the thrill of the thought of being with someone new.
I caught myself questioning him yesterday. Did you really want to or was it curiosity? Did you want to do it or were you just saving face and willing to do it? all that sort of crap.
He actually stopped me and said he chose to do it, he was too weak to say no, he set the whole thing up - unintentionally but he did - that he chose to take everything she offered cos he wondered what it would be like to be with someone else after all these years. I am glad he is not hiding from stuff now but it means i have to face the truth too!
I am soooo hung up on the fact he wanted to see what it would be like with her. We have a great sex life, granted it had been 6 months due to medication problems, but when we did have sex it was always mind blowing. So why be tempted by her? If you have what you want at home why play away?
Why did he let himself get into this situation? He was flattered by her, got addicted to the texting cos it made him feel wanted, retrieved his lighter from her top to show her how not under the thumb he was, kissed her cos he wanted to find out if she really wanted him and to see what it would be like to kiss someone new. Then he says he wanted no more physical stuff. BUt when she picked him up and offered it he took it. WHY!
I just want to scream from the rooftops WHY!
I know our marriage was in trouble
I know he felt neglected
I know he was stressed and depressed
I know he wanted to be wanted, he never believed other women would want him - low self esteem
I know if she hadn't come along he would never have gone looking for someone
I know she was very full on and manipulative
I also know none of this makes me feel much better and none where a reason to cheat.
The choice was his and he chose to cheat on me with her.
I just don't get how he could cheat on me.