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Fighting with myself

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olwen posted 11/8/2013 06:25 AM

Ugh! yesterday was such a good day - today not so much.

I am glad I have the truth now ,well as much of it as i am going to get. H can't remember everything but has started working through it on wayward. He has admitted to himself and to me that he did what he did because he wanted to.

The opportunity was there so he took it.

Problem is I am now minimising it to myself! I think I have all along and despite demanding the truth, when I got it I fought against it.

I know he didn't really want her for her, just what he could get from her. I know if she hadn't s blatantly seduced him he would never have made that move on her. I know he didn't enjoy it, but he did enjoy the thrill of the thought of being with someone new.

I caught myself questioning him yesterday. Did you really want to or was it curiosity? Did you want to do it or were you just saving face and willing to do it? all that sort of crap.

He actually stopped me and said he chose to do it, he was too weak to say no, he set the whole thing up - unintentionally but he did - that he chose to take everything she offered cos he wondered what it would be like to be with someone else after all these years. I am glad he is not hiding from stuff now but it means i have to face the truth too!

I am soooo hung up on the fact he wanted to see what it would be like with her. We have a great sex life, granted it had been 6 months due to medication problems, but when we did have sex it was always mind blowing. So why be tempted by her? If you have what you want at home why play away?

Why did he let himself get into this situation? He was flattered by her, got addicted to the texting cos it made him feel wanted, retrieved his lighter from her top to show her how not under the thumb he was, kissed her cos he wanted to find out if she really wanted him and to see what it would be like to kiss someone new. Then he says he wanted no more physical stuff. BUt when she picked him up and offered it he took it. WHY!

I just want to scream from the rooftops WHY!

I know our marriage was in trouble
I know he felt neglected
I know he was stressed and depressed
I know he wanted to be wanted, he never believed other women would want him - low self esteem
I know if she hadn't come along he would never have gone looking for someone
I know she was very full on and manipulative

I also know none of this makes me feel much better and none where a reason to cheat.

The choice was his and he chose to cheat on me with her.

I just don't get how he could cheat on me.

painfulpast posted 11/8/2013 06:44 AM

(((((olwen)))))

It wasn't about you. You were collateral damage in his selfish endeavor. You could be a supermodel with a billion in the bank and make pornstars look like amateurs in the bedroom, be the best chef in the country and meet his every need, and he still would have cheated.

HE has low self esteem. HE was feeling unhappy with things. HE didn't know how do deal with his feelings. HE let things go too far with this woman. HE had sex with her.

This was not about you. He didn't cheat because you weren't enough. He cheated because he has issues and the opportunity showed up.

It's maddening and hurtful, and the questions of 'why didn't you think about me, why didn't you stop and realize it was wrong, why did you want to do this' will nag at you, but you have to keep telling yourself - it wasn't about you and it wasn't to hurt you.

olwen posted 11/8/2013 06:49 AM

Thanks painful past

I have just asked him why and he said because he thought our relationship was over - not that he came to me about it, he went to her. HE wasn't unhappy until she came along and he started moaning to her about his life with me, then he started to believe it and told himself we were done.

The second reason hurts far more. He said it was his opportunity to be with someone else after 18 years with me. Christ am I that boring????

Makes it kind of hard not to feel lacking in some way if he wanted to be with someone new. He said he didn't want to be with someone else until it was offered and then he couldn't resist.

Owwwwww it hurts!

WhatsRight posted 11/8/2013 07:00 AM

It wasn't about you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

olwen posted 11/8/2013 08:27 AM

What really confuses me is I he wanted her until he got her why then come back to me?

He valued me so little then so why suddenly am I the best thing in his life?

Why not stay with her if she was so bloody tempting? If not her why not go find who he really wants? It can't be me or he would never have hurt me in the worst possible way.

If he really wanted me he would have stayed faithful.

I could never cheat cos I only want him. No one else could tempt me like she tempted him,

RipsInMyChest posted 11/8/2013 08:48 AM

Olwen, I struggled with this too in the beginning. How could he want her so much and still want me and our marriage? I realize now that it's kind of like you can want steak AND mashed potatoes. It doesn't mean you like the steak any less you just want the mashed potatoes too. (Not that this comparison holds a candle to choosing 2 people at the same time). It's selfish to think that you can have both.

My WH's thinking was way off. He thought I would never know and he could just have this selfish moment to satisfy the void inside of him at the time. He didn't give a thought to the consequences until after. He didn't think that "we" would be hurt and he didn't really think about me at all in the moment. You cannot make sense of irrational thinking and behavior when you wake up and you're rational and present.

heforgotme posted 11/8/2013 08:52 AM

Did you really want to or was it curiosity? Did you want to do it or were you just saving face and willing to do it?

If you really want the truth I would be careful not to ask leading questions. I think the OR part kind of tells him what you want to hear. Which is why this:

He actually stopped me and said he chose to do it,

is a positive step, even tho it sucks, bc he obviously wasn't just telling you what you wanted to hear....

I also know none of this makes me feel much better and none where a reason to cheat.

I know. I feel the same way. We search and search for why to help make some sense of this, but when push comes to shove, there is no why good enough and it will never make sense.

Blah.

Hang in there.

olwen posted 11/8/2013 08:54 AM

Thanks, that pretty much what he said too

I guess I just need to give myself time to process it.

Don't quite know where to start.

SlowUptake posted 11/8/2013 09:04 AM

WS here, hope you don't mind. I am sorry for your pain.

I only ever wanted my BS (still do), but I convinced myself she didn't want me.
(And as is common with WS's, I didn't actually ask if she wanted me, 'cause heaven forbid I should communicate)

Then I went out and willfully chose an action that was guaranteed to make her not want me.

Yep, screwed up thinking at it's worst.

My point is, since even after four years of introspection I cannot comprehend my thinking at the time, simply because I now think rationally, how's my BS ever going to make any sense of it.

Hope this helped.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:20 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

olwen posted 11/8/2013 09:08 AM

I don't mind at all, thank you for your response.

I suspect it was similar with my H. I was ill and we were arguing a lot.

If only he had talked to me.

I don't know if I can handle it.

ladies_first posted 11/8/2013 09:30 AM

I don't know if I can handle it.

Will you choose to handle your emotions, or resist?

Pain + resistance = suffering
Suffering is torture, far worse than pain.

olwen posted 11/8/2013 09:32 AM

Good point ladiesfirst!

I guess I feel less strong today.

blakesteele posted 11/8/2013 17:07 PM

Not to scare you off Olwen...but I still am on the roller coaster 14 months out....a good 7 months from fogs and lying.

I have learned to not act during these big dips.


Hard to accept....but a BS is so much NOT a thought in a WS head that we absolutely were not an intended target for this pain. It is hard to accept....but once a person fully gets that your spouses affair is not about you, it frees you.

This up and down feeling early on, I believe, is us accepting that our marital bond is broken. The "minimizing" you speak of is kind of our way of thinking "its broken, but maybe not THAT broken". This "shattering" needs to happen....if it doesnt...the likely hood of unhealthy cycles increases. I dont know about you, but this pain is enough encouragement for me to refrain from minimizing ANYTHING about this experience. We need to NORMALIZE this to stay sane and heal....but that is something very different than minimizing.

I finally accepted my M died when my wife started her first decision to choose an A....the first stab to the heart of our M. The damage done by that singular action snow balled to a huge mess full of pain. I think of this action by a WS like our choice when we lose our virginity.....it happens one time and thats it. Doesnt matter if the sex was good or not, there are no "do-overs". 1 knife wound to the heart will kill a person.....the next 20 hurt, but the end result is the same.

"Do-overs"....I was stuck in that insane phase....the many "what ifs" such as "what if they just kissed" "just fondled" "just said they loved each other" "just worn a condom". This is where I had to give up ALL HOPE OF A BETTER PAST.

Now that you have the truth you will heal from this pain. Be prepared for the do-overs to ramp up.

Will this healing mean you stay M to your husband? Way too early to tell, but there are no guarantees. You have the strength to heal from this.....I just know you do. I am grateful your husband appears to be trying to do better now that he knows better.

Try to float.....

God be with you.

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