Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

3 years out and I've lost myself

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

kickintheface posted 11/8/2013 07:57 AM

It's been 3 years since I found out about his 6 month EA with his ex-fiancé. She was the girlfriend before me and she cheated on him and ended up pregnant. Now we know that the child was my husband's all along which puts a new spin on everything. But back to the affair...

In the three years since I found out about it, I feel like my husband has done little (not nothing) to help me heal. I had forgiven him at one point but the lack of care, concern, "fight for what you want" is killing me. It brings back all the angry feelings and has created new ones. We talk, I tell him what I think I need, he says "okay" and nothing happens. He listens but he never acts. It's just words...I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you like this, I'm gonna make you better....but no follow through and he can't explain why. I've told him it's because he doesn't really love me like he thinks he does...why else would he continue to let me hurt? I am such an angry, bitter, apathetic person now and I hate who I have become because of his actions. I am grumpy all the time, I can't speak nicely to anyone in my family...there is always attitude behind it. My kids are not aware of the affair, but they are starting to act just like me.

I can't see it getting any better...all I can see is that the more this goes on, the worse I will become, the worse my kids will become. My kids and I are the ones suffering the consequences of his affair. There was/is no consequence for him. I had been a SAHM for 7 years so I have no way out. We basically live paycheck to paycheck so I know I am stuck, but I am so afraid of losing what little bit of me I have left. I was such a happy person before...positive, friendly, compassionate, etc. Sure, I can put on a show at the right times, but inside I am dead, miserable, negative, hurting.

We started counseling finally about a month ago. My husband is a good man...but he can't/won't help undo my pain. Is there any other reason other than he just doesn't love me? I have never hurt him...he has no reason to shut me out. Yet the woman who crushed him, he ran back to and gave her what I wanted most (his time, his dreams, his feelings)...and now though he claims to hate her and the whole situation and claims that I am his world and the best thing ever (which I don't believe) he can't give me his heart?

Sorry I'm just lost right now. Don't want to stay, don't want to leave and tear my family apart. I just want us to be fixed.

Raven96 posted 11/8/2013 08:20 AM

I am so sorry. I know you don't want to divorce, but you can't go on like this, either.

This is easier said than done, but start figuring out ways to save money so that you're not living paycheck to paycheck. Make this your focus, and start paying things off little by little, with the end goal that you are not going to stay "stuck." Set a time frame, say 3 years. Your kids will be that much older, you will know better where you stand with WH, and you will get that much more money if and when it comes down to D -- money won't be tied up in paying things off.

I hope he gets his head out of his butt soon and realizes what he has in you!

eachdayisvictory posted 11/8/2013 08:36 AM

Oh my, so sorry to hear about your pain right now. That is my worst fear, that I will discover that I can't go on in my M after a few years. I think that we have to admit that it may not work out, and I think that my hardest job now is to understand and accept that it may be a possible ending. I think Raven's advice to take some time to set things up for yourself may be really helpful. If you can get to a place where you feel free to leave the relationship if it doesn't work, maybe it will change the way you interract with your H?

I make the most money in our household, about double what my H brings in. I know some of my pain still rests in the fact that he was willing to give up our pretty good lifestyle to go be with his part-time retail OW. That made me wonder for a long LONG time if they really did have some kind of 'true love' that I didn't know about or experience in my life. When I figured out what I would and would not accept after a second dday, I know that's when things really changed for us. I became genuinely ready to end our M, and I became a new person. I still worked on myself regularly, but also believed in my convictions; follow these rules, or divorce. That's it.

I also wanted to comment on your concern about being a negative person and grumpy all the time. When I read that, I thought about my WH's journey so far, and we talk about that too. My H has always given off that 'grumpy' vibe, and it has been one of the biggest points of contention for us over the years, even pre A. He is sad about it, doesn't want to be that way, and says he wants to change it. I can tell you that I was like that, and I am feeling great about the change I have made. For me, it came after nearly 2 years of IC, and a lot of changing the way I think and my reactions to things. We have a choice about who we are in this world. You have a choice. If you don't like attributes about yourself, wake up in the morning and say or write what you want from the day. For my H it is often; smile more. He thought at first that there would be no use for this because it wouldn't be 'real.' We have discovered that doing it like a job actually makes the smile become real. I wake up grumpy some days (well, a shitload actually), and decide to take an action to change it. Most often, I decide that the first person I see that day, I will pay a compliment to. Making someone smile makes me feel good about myself, and changes my track for the day.

Certainly not trying to be high n mighty or act like I have any answers, just thought that maybe our struggle might contain something useful for you. I hope you have some days of peace. I told my H recently that I live with the pain 24/7, but I find more and more peace and pride in the way I manage the pain, and the good things that I can see that have been born of pain (like who I am, my actions, love from my H).

Peace and love, really try to get to IC and MC.

deena posted 11/8/2013 09:49 AM


Don't want to stay, don't want to leave and tear my family apart. I just want us to be fixed.

Another one here who feels like you do. I too was a SAHM.

I totally can understand your feelings.
My WH also wants to stay in the marriage, but won't do the work to repair it......responded with anger when I wanted to talk about our problems and how to fix them. How to fix my feelings also.

Now I don't talk.....and have become withdrawn towards him.
And I feel so empty and sad.

He also has not had to suffer any consequences from the affair as I haven't told anyone and tried to kick him out ,but he returned.

It has been 4 years since I have found out.

Sorry no advice....just hugs.

Razor posted 11/8/2013 10:54 AM

Imagine you are standing before a door. The door is locked. You knock and knock on that door but it does not open.

How long will you stand there?

At some time you will figure out that the door will NEVER open. What will you do then?

I stood before that door for a very long time. I wanted something from WW. Some sign of remorse. Some sign that she even gave a shit about me. And I never got it. That door never opened and I came to believe that it will never open.

I am a retired person. If I were to D my WW I would loose half PLUS of my retirement savings. This is money I earned and put away by working really really hard while WW was in her LTA (unknown to me). It irks me that she would get most of what I worked for. Also if I were to loose so much of my savings I would end up living in near poverty.

To some this is not a good reason to stay in a M. But for me at my age in my situation it is the right decision.

So how to stay in a M where there is a locked door?

I think you have to be willing to JUST take what our WS gives us. Realizing that there is nothing we can do that will compel them to give more or be more than they want. We cant make our WS give a damn about us. And we should not expect our WS or any person to be responsible for making us happy.

The sane thing for me to do was to stay in the M but turn away from that door. Find ways to make myself happy. And be responsible for my own feelings of contentment.

That took me to branching out in my life. Finding things outside the M (NOT A RA) to make me happy while remaining faithful to the vows I made.

SeanFLA posted 11/8/2013 11:01 AM

Ever just trying to show him what you just wrote? I think it's what you want him to really know.

And if he can't address it then you probably already know what the answer is. You just have to find it in yourself to act on it.

kickintheface posted 11/9/2013 17:41 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

Raven...I started back to school a year ago in hopes of getting a degree that would either enable me to leave or help us out financially if we make it through this mess. Still plugging along there and I did actually get a job about 2 weeks ago. Definitely a start in the right direction, but nothing that will allow me to be on my own. It will however help us out while we are together.

EachDay...I am trying to get back to positive thinking. This new job is a big help in seeing that others value me and that others see my potential. I do find myself wondering if going back to work will affect my children in a negative way though. I'm dreading the summer and what that means for my 6 year old and 14 year old.

Razor...I'm so sorry that in order to move on without her you would have to give up everything. What an unfair situation. Your insight and thoughts on your situation have really got me thinking.

Deena...nice to know there is someone in almost the same situation...and I'm so sorry that you are in that situation. Big hugs to you as well!

Sean...he has read previous posts of mine...but again, nothing happens. I'm betting I'm in this situation until the youngest turns 18 (11.5 years away). I'll definitely know by then if he's ever going to get his head out of his ass

Arais posted 11/10/2013 10:45 AM

Kickintheface: I think its interesting that you say your WH is a good man. I too am coming up to the 3 year mark and after the initial shock and the 24x7 A talk we have become completely distant because despite the fact that he too is a good man he can't/won't do what I need to make me consider R. 3 years later and R has not even been considered by me. He is a good man who did a really really bad thing. The thing about it is this he did it. And his actions caused the annihilation of our marriage. My WH is doing everything HE believes will fix our marriage despite the fact that I have told him that it isn't what I want or need. He doesn't think going over and over the past is going to help. It won't help him! So at this point I can acknowledge that he is trying in his own way but he is not listening! So I have become completely removed from him. He hates it and I know he is desperate to have me back as his wife. So why won't he do what it takes? Is it because he is a bad man? Is it because he is not remorseful? No it isn't but does that matter? What matters is you are not getting what you need. If you are not getting what you need from your husband you may stay married but will it be a marriage? I too stayed for my kids so I understand. But I am not really here. I look the same and act the same but he knows that it is all a facade. I wake up every single day and mourn my other life. The life when I cared and looked forward to the day and our life together. Now? I find it hard to get up in the morning. I am aimless besides my kids and I worry that the longer I stay the less I will care about me.
I want what you want : to stay and have it fixed but as the shock of the betrayal wears off the reality sinks in that it can never be fixed without him doing EVERYTHING I need. At this point 3 years later how realistic a hope is that?

kickintheface posted 11/10/2013 20:17 PM


EXACTLY! I know he is never going to open up and give me what I need though he has been told time and time again. If his "love" for me hasn't been enough to do it in 3 years, he's not going to do it at all. We've been going to counseling and the counselor asked me what my husband could do to make me see that he is sincere in his love for me and his desire to stay married...I told him that I really don't think there is anything. I've been waiting so long and I've given up hope. I am more hurt by his lack of effort to help me than I am of the affair (definitely still hurt by that but to sit there and watch me fall apart for 3 years is torture).

I'm sorry you are in the same situation. How old are your kids? Are you planning on leaving when they turn 18? Seems so far away some days...I really don't want to divorce, but I feel like I have no choice. He is the one who chooses if we stay married...if he puts in the work then there is hope. My choices are to stay miserable in a marriage or divorce. Neither are great choices. It is ultimately up to him what happens to us.

Good luck...I hope something turns around for you.

SeanFLA posted 11/10/2013 21:00 PM

Sean...he has read previous posts of mine...but again, nothing happens. I'm betting I'm in this situation until the youngest turns 18 (11.5 years away). I'll definitely know by then if he's ever going to get his head out of his ass

You will know you hope that within 11 years if he's got his head out of his ass? Really? So you will allow him to carry on like this until your child turns 18 and you have zero happiness of your own? In my opinion I find that very unhealthy for you. Not to mention a huge chunk of your life gone.

kickintheface posted 11/11/2013 06:33 AM


Guess I should have put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. I was partially joking. I feel I don't have a choice...I have to stay, for kids and for financial reasons. Just as you feel you have to stay trapped in a crappy marriage for your financial reasons. It sucks. Really sucks. But in those next couple years one of two things (maybe both) will happen...we will either fix us and/or I will become more financially independent. I need to finish school and I need to make sure my kids are taken care of.

kickintheface posted 11/11/2013 06:34 AM

Sean...OOPS, just realized I thought you were another poster. Yes, 11 yrs is a LONG time...hoping the road will improve one way or another.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.