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I can't breathe!! One minute I'm yelling at him with a rage and an anger I've never seen in myself, the next I've collapsed on my bedroom floor in a puddle of tears.

I feel completely out of control of my emotions!! Like I'm spinning in a tornado of negativity and I can't see straight.

The most painful thing, even more than his betrayal, is the loss of my previous life. The wonderful marriage I thought I had, the friend I could confide in, the beautiful family we had created for our children. The last 18 years of my life just slipped away with no warning.

This is not just an affair, my H is seriously ill. I read every email and he clearly manipulated this poor OW into all sorts of perverse sexual acts.

He's seeking help for his childhood trauma and addiction issues that surely led to this. But I just CANNOT stand here and support him. I don't have the strength. Addicts are addicts for life...regardless of what the object of their addiction is. I don't see subjecting myself or my children to further permanent damage down the road.

I'm taking all of your advice to wait at least 6 months to clear my head before I file for divorce.

But I'm broken.

loli,

Taking some time to breathe is a good idea. Are you planning on going to IC just for you? I would recommend it. I know the broken feeling. I lived with it for 14 months before I saw a doctor. I'm still broken, but I handle it better now. One thing you'll find is you need to take care of you - self care. Put yourself first.

First IC appointment for me is next week. I hope I can keep my crumbled pieces together until then.

Please know you are not alone in your pain and that I too have mourned the lose of what I thought was a happy and solid marriage. The only thing I can tell you because I am not sure I should be giving advice right now so very new to all this myself. Is do not feel guilty for your emotions your allowed to feel what you feel no matter what. There is a lot of really good articles in the healing library that might help you. I know they helped me deal with all the many things I was feeling. stay strong and know that this site and the people on it are hear for you.

Thank you. That's the best piece of advice I've had ..not to feel guilty about my insane emotions right now and to let myself feel everything that I need to feel.

Thank you. This group is my salvation right now.

Oh, my goodness! You absolutely should NOT feel guilty for your feelings!!!! Totally normal...and I know, because until I found this site I literally thought I was losing my mind.

Just this morning I remembered a detail told to me at the beginning of this nightmare, and I got so angry! I've become a pro at yelling in a whisper so as not to wake up my daughter.

You don't need to do anything to help him. Concentrate on you and your children. Also, please don't be afraid to see your doctor about prescribing something for the emotions to take the edge off, and DO NOT feel guilty about your emotions!!!!

(((loli)))