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Joanh posted 11/8/2013 11:06 AM

So we are at the weekend my BH found me. and all I can see is his face. The look, the hurt, the pain. THe disappointment. The words that came from him and the words I said back. I want to take it all back and I want to erase my words.
What I don't understand is why my BH doesn't want to talk about it?
I was told in the last conversation if I really wanted to chance another blow I could bring it up when he was home from work.
He doesn't want to talk about because it makes him think about it more it brings to the forfront of his mind.
What I also don't understand is with all the searching for answers for myself and him for the whys and hows, why wouldn't you want to know. I guess that's also the difference between him and me.
I need to know everything, I want to know his thought his feelings. Part of my yesterday post. The unknown is scarier than the known.
He doesn't want to know.?
Yet he says he still has questions. So what is that. Is it for his own protection, is he afraid to hear some truths, is afraid he may feel different. What is it. I try to take some of the experiences from my past and look at . And I would want to know.
I would want to know what has changed inside of him, I would want to know why he is staying, what were his thoughts, so I could understand his process . Maybe that's just me. I play devils advocate. and look at people and see different motives and enviroments.
Or is really just my need to explain, and be heard.
Part the problem comes though is his assumptions on what I am thinking or the reasons for doing things has been wrong as of late. In fact when we do talk about things, from the past and not just my cheating, he has assumed the reason for the actions. And believed them to be that before any of this happened.
Lack of communication obviously is still a problem.
Any perspectives appreciated.

meplusfour posted 11/8/2013 14:23 PM

BS here. For me, I need to fWH to respect that I will heal, in my own time, by whatever means that I deem necessary. This weekend is a difficult one, for both you and your BH, and he may just be trying to survive the weekend. His emotions are likely close to the surface and he may not know what he needs from you at this point. What you may want to know (what has changed, why he is staying....) may be different from what he wants to hear or is ready to hear.

Perhaps if you tried a different approach, it may help open up the lines of communication. Tell your BH that you recognize that this is a difficult day/weekend, that you are truly remorseful, how you have changed, how thankful you are that you are here with him today after all that has happened, how much you have grown and will continue to do so. Tell him that you will be here for him, but will not pressure him to open up if he is not willing. Then step up and do things that will make the weekend run more smoothly~take charge of meals (but ask BH what he would like to have for dinner), drive kids to activities, check with BH if there is anything that he would like to do or that needs to be done. Show him through your acts and attitude that you are committed to R and your M.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 2:24 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Clarrissa posted 11/9/2013 00:35 AM

Perhaps you should write out as detailed a timeline as you can. This may satisfy your need to "explain" and "be heard" and when your BH feels he's ready to have his questions answered, you'll have them ready for him. Also with this approach, he'll have more control over how quickly he gets those answers. He can pick up where he left off if it becomes too overwhelming and you avoid repeating yourself, at least at first. If he's fairly typical as a BS, he'll be asking the same questions again and again.

Right now, your BH is asking for space, perhaps not physical space but space nonetheless. He'll heal on his own time and no one else's. He's going through his own process at his own pace just as you're going through yours at your pace. Respect him enough to allow this.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/9/2013 07:58 AM

Joan, all this thinking you are doing exhibits a need to control the outcome. It is still fear of your repercussions. You are so finely tuned into trying to undo his hurt you are not focused on the change you must embrace in yourself. Its the paradox you have created by your actions. You have torn this man to shreds, so you want to take his pain, make sure he is healing, and fix it for him. You cannot. You must fix yourself. This is hard to hear, but you committed a severe act of emotional abuse, the emotional equivalent of beating him up, only his scars are there now for the rest of your relationship. I told my exWW once that I felt like a prisoner of war, trapped in hell with no way out, taking her constant punishment. The truth is she never believed she had to own her mistakes. Even after the divorce she texts me and says she takes the blame for what she did so why dont i take my part of the blame. She still thinks our divorce has something to do with something other than her. She didnt change, she doesnt own her issues, and from day one she blamed the marriage, not herself. Looks like its a year out for you. Theres a whole list of dumbass things you can say to your husband. So dont say much. If you do say anything make it about a comforting environmet, what can i get you, how can i help, etc. if the affair comes up, i would just tell him how horribly ashamed i was, how stupid i was to chance throwing away a great and wonderful man and how i must figure out what drove me to do such an evil selfish and mean spirited thing. Word of warning, betrayed spouses have finely tuned senses. I used to joke that i would make a great lie detector. We can sense the lie a mile away. So if you arent honest with yourself you wont be honest with him. Its going to take years before this man recovers. And he wont be the same on the other side. You have redefined everyones life without their permission. You have to focus on why you chose to do that.

Joanh posted 11/15/2013 09:22 AM

Thank you for your thoughts. And it is my fears of the unknown, a controlling factor of my life I have had all my life.

I am working on the understandings and have come a long way.
I gave my BH the space and this is how it went.

The weekend ended up going fairly well, my H even shared his feelings a lot of anxiety and tears this weekend, and yet a lot of love and caring and building. I find this mess I've made this nuclear disaster undefinable. Its such polar opposites in feelings, love hate, push pull. And yet we are still standing here together. WE can still love one another.
So letting go of the control and your advice was very helpful, Thank you.

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