~~Tao Te Ching
But this forum will be full of people that gave another chance and got screwed. If you want a general discussion maybe post in general? I do believe in the unicorn of R but only if the cheater is morally appalled and doing EVERYTHING right and in therapy and self motivated and were a FANTASTIC partner before. Otherwise I think most cheaters have something deeply wrong with them and the BS should run.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 PM, November 8th (Friday)]
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
You have a PM.
I think it was Aesir who said "It is really difficult to not attempt R with what appears to be a remorseful WS". It is so very true. Had the sad clown kept up the facade of remorse I would still be struggling in R to this day. It would have taken me years to build the strength and courage to walk away.
As it stands his lack of real remorse was a gift. It forced my hand way before I was ready to free myself. I had no other choice but it was still agony.
Something inside me was broken on DD. It was the spell I had cast on myself - the lies I told myself to help me tolerate what was becoming an unbearable M. The second he confessed to cheating that spell was completely broken. I was unable to rebuild my false construct.
The thought that haunted me all the way through False R was the thought of being on my deathbed 40 years from now with him by my side, my hand in his and one of my final thoughts being "did he do it again?".
Cheating is so much more than fucking someone else. He betrayed me well before he even got on that slippery slope. He turned from me in good times and bad when I needed him the most. He broke so many promises to me.
I thought it was my pride that stopped me from being able to fully commit to R - then I thought it was my fears, then I thought I just must not have loved him 'enough'. I had so many why's bouncing around my head about why I was unable to fully commit to R.
At the end of the day none of them matter. This was a deal breaker for me. Full stop. R and S/D are both very very difficult to get through - I don't think either takes more strength or courage - its pretty even, IMO.
I thought I had a better shot of surviving S/D with my sanity intact than I had of surviving R with my sanity intact.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.
I don't want to patch up my broken vase with gold - I want a new vase made up almost entirely of gold.
Accepting this has been almost as hard as accepting that my beloved husband betrayed me and my family in such a devastating way. Almost as hard as accepting that the man I thought I married never existed.
Only you can know where you stand here. Give yourself time to make that decision and work on understanding it and accepting it. There is no single 'right' answer for everyone. Just the right one for you. Nobody tells you that making the 'right' decision isn't easy. Not by a long shot.
Take care of yourself and do the right thing for YOU.
Many people mistake this for being super strong, I say there is no easy answer, you still cry and get mad and are now as you say "not the same person any more". It is a traumatic blow that will take some major healing to get thru, you have just decided you don't want to do it with the person who did this to you.
There was just too much disloyalty of every kind.
And his work at reconciling was always half-hearted, basically consisting of not seeing any other women. But it never extended to reading, recovery group work or being completely honest. He continued to lie and minimize.
Ultimately I filed to protect myself and feel safe again. I don't have to worry about him giving our money to OW, having unprotected sex or fathering another child.
I agree with what you said about the simple truth of it is that he cheated. None of the what's wrongs with hims, with the marriage, with you, etc, none of it justifies a betrayal like that. I am with you. FTG.
Other people have their stories and their reasons, and they are all different and whatever worked for them. For me though, that type of lying and betrayal changed everything. Game over.
You are not the guy I thought I married and this is not what I signed up for.
Yep. That's it. Next time my STBX starts trying to talk me out of the divorce, I'll say this. Nothing else needed.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't know which one is better. Years and years of agony trying to R and trust again? Just to break up anyhow? Or them forcing the hand that they don't really love or respect you anymore and getting you off the torture table quicker?
Sometimes it doesn't take a stronger person to stay either. Many a BS's stay out of fear. Fear financially or for the feelings of their children. I believe if most of those had hit the lottery where money wasnt an issue anymore many would be long gone. Just my two cents.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
It's strange because many times I'm very jealous that many BS's get a remorseful spouse that tries to do everything right. And their WS's eventually want nothing to do with it. Then there are BS's like me whose WS showed no remorse and filed for D leaving us completely destroyed emotionally and financially. Not even getting to make the decision to stay or leave.
Same here. I felt powerless because I never had any choice in any of it.
However, if infidelity is a deal breaker for someone that is certainly their right. Every person is different and I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer as to if you should R or leave. I just wish that I had been given that choice.
I had told XPOS that infidelity was a deal breaker since we got married. He was just adept at hiding it for so long. I don't regret sticking it out for the kids, and if we had been arguing or fighting constantly to create a bad environment for the kids I would have D years ago. Our situation really only affected me, so it worked and I was willing to make that sacrifice for my children. Every situation is different and you just have to do what is right for you.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I feel this also! I think you are making the right choice , because there is no right or wrong choice. you set rules and boundaries and he broke them. you should be proud! proud that you are going with your gut , proud that you are keeping your word, and proud that you know and acknowledge your feelings ! I think like seanfl said that I feel almost thankful that she chopped my head off quick instead of torturing me with reconcile.
He was (I thought) remorseful 2 years ago when I caught him in the EA. Swore up and down it never turned physical. Recently, I've caught him emailing with another woman... and it sure sounds like it was physical. (what walks like a duck and talks like a duck...)
I thought he "got it" 2 years ago when he was crying that he didn't want a divorce. I thought I made it clear that he needed to come clean with everything. I thought he wouldn't risk his marriage and his kids' intact family life by doing the same thing again.
I thought wrong.
I just don't understand how he can so cold-blooded lie to me and still act like all is great at home when he is emailing someone else reminiscing about body shots.
I have not confronted him yet. I will give him an opportunity to tell all first before I share that I know more. How he responds to that determines if I file D papers or give him a shot to sign a post-nup. I am actively planning for the future. Giving my kids one last "normal" holiday season. (just typing this breaks my heart). It takes every amount of self-control not to just burst out "WTF!"
It is entirely possible that he will alter his behavior and be an honest, decent, loving spouse. However, I am sick to my stomach anytime I think he is behaving suspiciously, deleting a text message or email, running late from work, etc. even for legitimate reasons. Can I be making mountains out of mole hills? Absolutely. But I have been burned so many times in the past, that I have trouble seeing anything but cheating. I am pretty confident that if he ever told me a sliver of truth, regardless of how painful it is or how high the chance of losing me was, instead of torturing me with trickle truth and allowing me to turn into a paranoid detective, then I might have tried harder. But I am tired. Oh so very tired.