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t/j of wanting to be at my deathbed

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thebighurt posted 11/8/2013 12:26 PM

Jemimapd's subject line is exactly what I have been worried about with xpos. For both of us, it's all about HIM. Xpos would use the excuse of wanting to be there "for the kids" to be his "in" to see what he could get out of it. And I'm sure he would look for sympathy for himself as well as any info he could find out to use however.

Turns out I got my chance to mention it to DDIL, at least, a short while ago. She started a discussion about him/the A and fallout and I got a little heated by the way it went. "HE's moved on, why haven't YOU?? Translation: "He's married but you're alone"(?)

I told her that under NO circumstances was xpos to be allowed around any of us if I were sick, injured or died, that it would only be selfish of him. I have NO intention of ever being visible anywhere near if things happen to him. (Which I'm sure they will because he's always doing unhealthy and unsafe things.) My presence would only be known to the kids (who are all adults with families of their own) privately and only if they asked.

I guess it's something I should address in IC because I really need to say it to the kids but have no idea of how to approach it. DD has nothing to do with him and, in fact, will not even allow his name or anything about him to be said in her presence. DSs see him/them, but one doesn't trust him and watches him closely and the other says he reminds him whenever the subject comes up (or he can direct it that way) that what he has done and is doing was/is VERY wrong. I LOVE my kids!!

Am I wrong to feel this way about the eventuality of either situation? Any suggestions on how to talk to the kids about it? After what he has done and the way he deals with everything (anger, controlling, negative, phoniness, no honest emotions), I doubt the passage of time will ever change my feelings.

lieshurt posted 11/8/2013 12:46 PM

I wouldn't put that responsibility on the kids. They'll have enough worries on their minds if the situation arises. Instead, I would assign your medical power of attorney to somebody who you can trust to uphold your wishes. They can make sure xpos can't come around for anything.

Tesa posted 11/8/2013 15:13 PM

My dad and my ex-h were very close when we were married. We were high school sweethearts and my ex was the “son” my dad never had. They would go hunting together & talked on the phone every week. I loved seeing their relationship grow. (…….Man, I miss my dad so much just thinking about this…. I digress) Anyway, they remained close (although strained) for a few years after our divorce. However, the NPD of my ex was eventually seen by my dad and my dad broke off all ties with my ex. My dad wrote my ex an email and signed it “good bye Son.” It was sad! My ex hurt my dad pretty badly; aside from the hurt he caused me and our daughters.

My dad battled colon cancer for 7 years. His fight began two years before our divorce and so my ex knew my dad was very sick. My father died of colon cancer 3 years ago. As his health deteriorated, probably about 6 months before he passed, daddy told me that my ex was in NO way allowed to attend his funeral. He passed away the day before father’s day so my daughters were with their dad. When I called to arrange pick up of the girls on the Monday after father’s day, my ex told me to let him know the funeral details so that he and his mother could attend. I simply said “ok.” Later that day, after my mother reminded me of my father’s wishes, I sent him an email that read “This is very hard for me to tell you but because of the hurt you caused my father, I am respecting his wishes and asking that you not attend. Please mourn from afar.” His simply replied “ok” and did not attend.

And, I did mean it was hard for me to tell him! Yes, it would have been very awkward to have my ex there but I am sure that my ex would have liked to say good bye. Don’t get me wrong, my ex is extremely selfish and I do not like him but loss is loss. Sometimes, people need to put aside the anger and allow each person to grieve in his/her own way. Funerals are for the living, not the departed.

Gemini71 posted 11/8/2013 15:36 PM

God willing, STBXH will predecease me. However, if I'm on my deathbed and he shows up, I know of at least three close relatives that will physically eject him for me. Whether I want them to or not.

thebighurt posted 11/8/2013 21:32 PM

Lieshurt, DS and DD are my health-care proxies and they know me best. Since most of my friends are around my age or older and family is all older, it should be someone younger. I didn't know there was such a thing as a healthcare power of attorney.

Tesa, I'm so sorry about your Dad's long fight. It must have been hard under the circumstances for him to cut the tie with your XWH, but I'm glad he did if that is how he felt. Good thing your Mom remembered and honored his wishes.

Xpos had no feelings for my family, except for one brother and SIL. And that was all about what he got out of that relationship, not them. He said horrible things about most of them, so I would hope he would know enough to stay away from anything to do with my family, even if he thought it was comfort for my kids to be there. I think it would only be awkward for them because they know. I would have to tell him to leave. And it wouldn't be hard at all after all he has done and said to and about all of us.

thebighurt posted 11/8/2013 21:46 PM

God willing, STBXH will predecease me.

I can only hope for us both, Gemini! He said for the last couple of years we were together that he would die in the next few years (his physical health is pretty good, but mental health???)

That was his big reason for what he did - he told everyone (that he didn't lie to) that he did what he had to do to make himself happy in the time he has left. He is happy for the first time in his life and finally knows what love is!

A friend of both of us that heard that directly from him asked me if I realized that he was telling my kids that he never loved their mother (he had told them that too). I said that after having IC and reading about controlling people and his other personality issues, he likely didn't ever love me because people like that can't love.

Is it any wonder I don't want him around at a time like that?

Just happened to think: I could count on my brothers to literally boot or toss him out if they were still around.

Nature_Girl posted 11/8/2013 22:37 PM

I don't think you're wrong. I don't want EX at my deathbed or funeral, either. I don't want him in the hospital if I'm dying, either. I don't want him to even know anything about me.

thebighurt posted 11/8/2013 22:40 PM

I don't want him to even know anything about me.


caregiver9000 posted 11/9/2013 09:26 AM

I don't think you're wrong. I don't want EX at my deathbed or funeral, either. I don't want him in the hospital if I'm dying, either. I don't want him to even know anything about me.

I started writing on the HIPPA form you have to sign every time you see the doctor, in block letters:


Merlin posted 11/9/2013 10:01 AM

The greatest emotional pain of my life was learning that my ex-W was hanging out with a lowlife and a bunch of loser barflies. It has wrecked our family and a life built around her and our kids.

The last thing I want to see if I am on my deathbed is her face. My will, durable power of attorney and healthcare directives state that she is to be allowed nowhere near me if I am incapacitated.

thebighurt posted 11/9/2013 12:13 PM

Thank you, Caregiver and Merlin! They are two options I had not realized I could use to achieve my wishes in this respect. I think you have the answers to my problem. I'm thankful you understand this, but sorry you had the need to think of these solutions too.

Caregiver, I changed my next of kin with all my existing doctors and will put it that way for any new ones, but that obvious notation would get their attention. It's a good point to put that directive on HIPPA papers because they may not read enough to note the change in that spot for it lower on the form.

Merlin, The Health Care Proxy and Power of Attorney are ways in which I could direct those wishes without having to actually say it to my children! Since DS is both in my case, putting it in writing could take the burden of saying it off his shoulders if something happened. It will be there in black and white to direct it.

Now I wonder if I can write that on those two documents or do I have to have them totally redone?

caregiver9000 posted 11/9/2013 18:04 PM

Not exactly related but similar advice: my bank has instructions not to release my banking information via phone or electronic requests. Every single question they ask to "verify" my identity is known to my ex. When I began this conversation with my personal banker, he reassured me that I was insured if "something like that happened." I insisted they note my account anyway and they gave me a PIN as added security.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/9/2013 18:13 PM

Thank you, Caregiver and Merlin! They are two options I had not realized I could use to achieve my wishes in this respect. I think you have the answers to my problem. I'm thankful you understand this, but sorry you had the need to think of these solutions too.

I do not want NPD-x anywhere near me at any time. So thank you for this advice!

thebighurt posted 11/9/2013 19:10 PM

Thanks but I've got that one covered, CG. I have a great local bank. But it's good advice for anyone.

Several at the branch I usually use, unknowingly gave me some info about something xpos had done. The rep I was dealing with that day tried to give me a hug but it was very early and I would have broken down. I went back the day we went to court months later, told her it was over, thanked her for what she had done that day and asked her to give me a hug. She said the last person she had dealt with went away angry and she really needed one herself.

There's yet another long story related to that at another branch and it involves one of the times he sued me for money after the D. They definitely have my back and know who is the guilty party.

Also, everyone is required to have a password for all accounts in order to access any accounts other than in person too.

thebighurt posted 11/9/2013 19:47 PM

Chrysalis, I glad it helped you too. It's something I've thought about since DDay and wrestled with. I'm glad I finally came here with it and got my answer. I guess I thought I might be alone in this, but not so much.

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