SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you cringe at sexual discussion, then avoid this thread, because I am positive there will be TMI for some.

I'm going to share some personal information to illustrate my position, which is this:

Sex is a gift from God/the Universe/(insert your belief system) and is meant for much more than procreation. It is a glue meant to hold a loving couple together and the lack of sex can do emotional harm to the person who is getting a lot less sex than they need/want.

I was the one who wanted more in my marriage. I could never, ever get my DH to engage in meaningful discussion about WHY he didn't want more, about any possible solution to my frustration, or anything leading to resolution. His standard answer was "I don't know why, I just don't wanna.". I think he was actually relieved when he could point to BP meds as the culprit and the discussions ended. My sex drive went totally dormant for almost 7 years. I still loved him - a lot - but I felt a part of me die.....especially after DD #1, when I discovered his PA.

After he died, my hormones went into overdrive and started to really torment me. Enter my SO. Who has ED. Who did not, and does not allow his ED to interfere with our lovemaking in one iota! We have gone to doctors together, he has no hesitation whatsoever, nor shame, about discussing his problem with those who can help. Viagra didn't work. At present, when we choose, we give him a shot at the base of the penis so that we can have intercourse. But we only choose that option sometimes. There are other routes to satisfaction, such as the use of fingers or even having him wield the B.O.B.

I make sure that he has a lot of fun too. And I wonder why my late husband wouldn't even TALK to me about it? Shame? Lack of a desire to please me? I have done some reading on the discussion forums of the website where I buy "toys": PLEASE DO NOT POST LINKS TO OTHER SITES. Dang, there are a whole lot of people out there who are hurting for the same reason that I was for so long. About equally divided between men and women.

So.....I wonder: WHY would you NOT do anything within your power to make your love happy, in and out of bed???!!! I mean, I dried up at menopause. I went and got hormone replacement therapy and lube!

Opinions?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:46 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

For most men being able to "perform" is what it's all about...I mean there are so many movies etc out there that focus on "being the biggest, and the best in bed" that it is no wonder men who are having problems getting/maintaining an erection feel less than "manly".

From the time that a man realizes that if he touches it, it grown and feels good, experiences his first sex with a partner and finds a wife/SO who shares his enjoyment it is a big part of life for them. Jokes about size, pictures of "manly" movie stars, and now commercials about ED are a big part of the daily media on TV, radio, and internet.

You would hope that if a man feels loved and secure in his relationship it would be something he could share with his partner, but that is not always the case. Things like medication or diabetes can have an effect on a man's ability to get/maintain an erection, but to most men it comes down to "I can't get it up, I'm less than a man"....

Congratulations to you and your SO for sharing this and finding answers to it....and I agree, it's not always about penetration...getting there can be achieved in so many ways that can bring fun and satisfaction into your relationshi p.....

movingforward777, thank you for your response - you've given me some food for thought.

Everybody else: is this so touchy a subject that no one wants to discuss it?

ED was definitely part of my last marriage's problems.

Unfortunately FT chose not to communicate with me but took Viagra and had many affairs. I never experienced the pill's benefits in my marriage only the ED and FT's shutting me out.

Chances that I'm older, I will experience it again in another relationship. Definitely older and wiser. There are many ways for both partners to be completely satisfied with or without intercourse. I'll be damn if I will ever be in a relationship that I can't be completely honest with him, especially sexually and him with me.

It's all about not "settling" and unable to have an erection isn't "settling" to me.

I also feel the media give a false definition of what is normal size and technique to men and women. We don't live in a porn or lifetime movie. Real life is so much better !

My WH's "problem" as to why he didn't want to have sex with me was that he would rather jack off to porn, unbeknownst to me. I had many, many discussions with him through the years:

-are you gay?

-is there someone else?

We even went to a sex therapist for a YEAR, with no improvement. The sex therapist never uncovered that my WH was viewing porn without me and without my knowledge.

He didn't have ED, just didn't want to have sex with me. Real women are too complicated, need to be pleased; a woman on a computer screen needs nothing, there are a myriad of choices at the click of the mouse, and it is fast and easy - no emotions necessary. It is also hyper-stimulating, with the perfect bodies, fake boobs, etc.

We had sex twice a year for 20 years and even went for 3 years with no sex at all (nothing more than a peck on the lips and a hug) when he was in his A. I would dress up in sexy lingerie and he would reject me. Every. Single. Time. After a few times of that, I felt so humilated and gave up.

Anyway, not saying that this is what was going on with your H, but just offering another possibility.

Just wanted to let you know that I understand. Feeling like you are the oversexed woman, undesired by your H, when all your friends are talking about how they are constantly trying to fend off their husbands' sexual advances.

double post

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 3:37 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

I really appreciate hearing from each one of you. I was a bit worried that no one would want to discuss it!

My XH had ED and we did not have sex in any fashion for 7 years. Instead of trying to fix the problem he chose to act like it wasnt happening and we just stopped having sex (he also blamed it on his BP meds). This lead to us living like roomates and my sexual attraction to him was non existent. I started hating him for depriving me of a healthy sex life. After 7 years I basically told him we needed to fix it or go our seperate ways, he chose to try to fix it and got viagra. The viagra helped him but at that point there was no sexual chemistry what so ever for either of us.... which ended up leading to his A and our divorce. Had he addressed the issue 7 years earlier when it first started I think we would still be married.... but ultimately it killed our marriage. I think he avoided it because he was embarassed and was never good at dealing with sensitive issues.... why he never tried to satisfy me in other ways to keep the spark alive is beyond me... I still cant wrap my mind around his way of thinking.

My sex drive went totally dormant for almost 7 years. I still loved him - a lot

My ex-husband had a porn addiction....of which I was not aware of until right before I found the proof of the PA. We were together 8 years.....married 5..and in those 5 years of marriage I had ONE....count them...ONE orgasm from my ex-husband....in any way shape or form (intercourse, hands, oral, etc) and it was on my wedding night and it was because we had sex TWICE.

I was extremely frustrated during my marriage. I loved my husband with all my heart....but my sex drive just went down the drain! He also sought out Viagra and it didn't work for him. His problem was that he LITERALLY only lasted 10 seconds once he entered the batcave.... (and NO not so much a cave as a mouse hole...I hadn't had children yet....but that was for laughable effect!) Commercial breaks could last longer than he could! (No exaggeration here....I actually counted in my head once during sex!! 7 seconds!) But, he apparently didn't have a problem jacking off to a computer screen for hours at a time (per the computer keylogger that I installed after I found out about his PA) Of which I am sure didn't help matters!

I had a drawer FULL of toys that he admitted he was jealous of. I think the toys are what saved our marriage as long as it was.

I still wish I were a fly on the wall for that 10 seconds with MOW the 1st time....

"WHAT THA.....??!!!"

I re-discovered my sex drive with sperm donor (hence my daughter's unexpected arrival)... he could give me an orgasm EVERY TIME.... probably the reason WE stayed together so long.... his only endearing trait... And, I think God's gift to me after 8 years of HORRIBLE sex!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:26 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

I've been dating a man for a year and a half. He suffers from ED but Viagra and other drugs don't help him. I love him but sometimes I get very frustrated about sex. He is a great person in every other aspect. I don't know how important sex is....maybe it can be worked out. I really don't want to break up with him, we have so much fun together and he treats me so well. I didn't know that such wonderful men existed

I see none of the men want to touch this subject. I'll give it a whirl. When I was on A/D's I had trouble in this department. Thankfully for me my shrink told me beforehand that this could happen and prescribed medication (Cialis) and it helped. After I was weaned off the A/D's I was back to my normal horny self LOL. But there are many reasons why guys have this problem. Smoking, drinking, medications, emotional problems, age, low testosterone etc. are all mitigating factors. But meds don't work for everyone. Some guys cant takes pills because of health conditions and/or other medications. But whatever the reason the key is to speak with a Dr. and find out what's wrong. Shit, I'm 51 and my sex drive is not what it used to be. But that goes with the territory. Personally I'd rather have one good quality round of sex as opposed to multiple quickies. This is a very delicate topic for some men. And IMHO most guys who suffer from ED are too embarrassed to seek out help. This is not a plug, but Im invested in a pharmaceutical company called Apricus. They are developing a topical medication for men who cant take meds. They also are developing products for females with sexual dysfunction. Its not FDA approved yet. But they have approval in Europe and are conducting studies and tests. So help may be on the way.

The trick here is to get men to talk about their issues. Discuss them with their partners and health care providers. Sexual dysfunction is sometimes an indicator for other more serious maladies. Embarrassment and denial is not going to change the situation. Men put too much emphasis and importance on their Dicks. And its really a taboo topic amongst guys. Most men are not going to admit they have an issue with ED in fear of being socially outcast. So they suffer in silence and hope it goes away. They way I look at it is that if I think I broke my arm, I'm surely gonna see a Dr. and get it fixed. Its not going to set itself. Same thing with my penis. If its broke go to a Dr. And most men with ED are easily treatable.

As for you poor suffering ladies. I guess the best thing you can do is encourage them to seek treatment. Acting frustrated or making light of the situation is only going to make things worse for your man. And if a guy is too damn stubborn to do anything about it, perhaps its time to reevaluate your relationship. Any person who refuses to get help for any medical condition has an issue somewhere. And those issues are going to manifest into more troubling behaviors and scenarios. Personally I'm not one to sit around while my partner self implodes willingly. With all the possible treatment plans out there I'm sure something can work. And if its one of those rare instances where there isn't. Well then, there are more ways to please a woman aside from intercourse. There's a line from the movie Born on the Fourth of July. It says "What you lack in the hips. You make up for in the lips" TMI, I know. But very true.

I will post from the other side of the coin. I was the one in my M who had a markedly lower sex drive than my XH. I know it was a bone of contention for him and one of the reasons he left me for wifetress.

However, he made me feel that there was something wrong with me because my drive didn't match his. He didn't do this intentionally or cruelly. In addition, the entire onus of finding out "what was wrong" fell on my shoulders. This was just too overwhelming for me to deal with. Keeping a house, taking care of our child, working outside the home, and dealing with a chronic illness was enough. I just didn't want to add one more thing to my plate. I am not saying this decision was the correct one, but it is the choice I made at that time.

Looking back, I would absolutely have done things differently. But as always, hindsight is 20/20.

[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 9:01 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

What kind of background did your late H have? A lot of people's attitudes about sex come from how they were raised. Maybe talking about sex was just too embarrassing (typical where I am in the Midwest). Or maybe he was raised to think that women who liked/desired sex were "whores" and that sex with your wife is just for making babies or something.

damncutekitty, I think his parents were uber religious. But they died before I could ever meet them. I lived with my late hubby for 15 months before marriage, which (to my mind) put paid to the theory of girls who like sex are whores. He did marry me. These are some great comments - keep them coming!

stronger08, I appreciate having you weigh in from the guy's side of the aisle....but how could you worry about TMI in a thread started by the queen of TMI??

My SO had problems a few years ago and still doesfrom time to time.... i have been very patient, Thx to SIers...We are able to talk about it in a calm manner..i knew i couldnt be impatient doing the conversations or doing the times when he couldnt get an erection........here is a prime example of how things have changed with us......funny thing happened yesterday while we were out and about. he said we have to make another stop.. I said where too? and he said well i'm going to the store to buy my pills....i said oh great i need some too... We enter the store and he goes to the counter and purchase his pills and i look around the store at a few toys then go up to the counter and purchased my own, lol...

He asked what does the pills do for me? I told him it makes me really horny for him. Then we plan our evening accordingly.. Drop pill at 7 then shower at 8 and its on....blink:

I think we both were in for big surprise, my orgasm must have lasted two whole minutes..

I'll throw in my two bits on this topic. While married, I wanted it almost on a daily basis. Was lucky to get it once a week. So there was a big void in the relationship from an intimacy point of view. Never really had any issues in the plumbing department when the opportunity presented itself, and the sex was always good, she would have "multiples" over 90% of the time. I could never figure out why she wouldn't want it more. Water under the bridge at this point.

After D-day, the plumbing seemed to have some issues. I guess there was a little bit of HB, but that only lasted a little while. Didn't think of the plumbing issue a whole lot.

Fast forward to January of this year when I put my foot in the dating pool and started dating a woman. She was more along the line of once a day....at least. Talk about hitting the ground running.

Have to admit I had some serious issues in the plumbing department. We messed around the first few weeks, and could sense Pete was having some difficulties. Caused a little bit of an issue, she thought I wasn't into her. That wasn't the case. So, I went to the doc and had a chat. He went on to say that ED is much more common than one would think. He said there are environmental issues that are leading to a dramatic increase in low testosterone in males.

So, I didn't know if it was simply stage-fright, as Pete had only been in one place prior to this gal. Or, didn't know if it was truly ED. So after some discussion with the doc, he gave me a prescription for Cialis. He said it wouldn't work if there wasn't any attraction, so I was uber-nervous taking the first pill. Long story short, it worked. And I mean really worked.

That's the good part I guess. The bad part ---- I kept it to myself. I never let her know. At the time, I felt somewhat ashamed I had to admit I had to resort to that.

Still to this day, I'm not sure I really have/had ED, I believe it was just nerves. But I'm not sure. Regardless, in the future, when I get off the bus, should the nerves or any sort of difficulty come into play, I will be open and honest with my partner. I have to agree with Stronger's point made earlier, is to encourage your man to get treatment, or at least be open to some dialog about the issue. Us men have lots of pressure to perform, so to speak, so I think in many situations, talking about it may be enough to take the nerves out of the equation.

Not sure if this makes any sense, just thought I'd add some of my thoughts....