As brief as a history can be and looking forward to questions which will hopefully aid in perspective and healing.
I met my WS 19 years ago as of last Saturday. We were married in 1995. I got the ILOBNINLWY speech in 2009 however he did not want divorce, just needed space. I agreed, things had been rocky and I was as unsure as he was. During our separation I listened carefully to the complaints he had about me, some hit a nerve...some was complete BS. I knew I had some unresolved childhood baggage and took that time to work on myself...I really did believe he was doing the same.
There were moments when I suspected there was someone else but he told me it was just my paranoia. There was one incident in which our D14 (at the time) came home after a weekend with him in which she had been using his phone to take pictures of him (for him) in which she found a picture of a naked girl. When I confronted him, mostly about the carelessness of giving our D his phone to take pics of him with crap like that on there, he told me it was a ONS after getting drunk. He assured me that it was a mistake and would not be repeated...turned out to be a lie as he had been engaged in an A for 4 months prior to our separation. After our D outed him I began to see things that were going on a little differently...guess you could say "hypervigilance." I did not obsess with snooping or all of those other things, I lived by the adage that "the truth will always come out." I knew though...I just did but I continued to work on myself and figured if it was meant to be between us it would. The truth finally did reveal itself 11 months after separation quite by accident. H had been living in our camper during the separation and I was called at the last minute by a gf to help with a kid's fishing rodeo (fishing was one of mine and H's things and we often spent hours doing it). My poles were at the camper and I did try to reach him by phone the day before to pick up my poles (respecting his space) but did not receive answer nor return phone call. He would often go out of town on the weekends and I thought maybe this was the case so I went ahead and drove out to the camper the day of to get the poles...H was outside cleaning his bike and I told him why I was there, got my poles and asked if it would be ok to use the bathroom (respect again) since I had a long drive back...he told me no and when I asked why he just gave me a look which told me all I needed to know. There was no dramatic 3-way confrontation...I asked him to respect me with the truth as I was tired of the lies and had a right to know. He told me she was his soul mate and he was deeply in love with her. What do you do with that??? I let go and filed for divorce.
Life went on...there is a lot of in between here with the fall out of it all, much of it involving the D then 15 and I was too wrapped up in that as well as my own recovery. Around 11/10 he moved to the state where OW lived and within a few weeks of that asked if he could move back into the camper (I was to receive in divorce settlement)as it was not working out with OW. I agreed. Shortly after he moved back he asked if we could have a second chance. I explained that his actions had a devastating effect on our daughter and I was more interested in him working things out with her at that time as she was still struggling with some issues herself. He agreed...our D tried to commit suicide a few months later and this was when things took a turn between him and I as we teamed up in ways we had never before to help our D. Our D was to be final 3/11 and H asked me to halt it. I explained to him that I could not because I was unsure of my ability to trust him completely and I needed more time. I also felt that in light of everything that marriage needed to die. We continued to work with our D and dated...as weird as it may seem I told my husband that I was grateful for the experience. In 2/12 we remarried...happy ending right???
Not so much...several months after we remarried I began to feel a distance from my H...I tried to address it with him but he kept saying there was no problem...actions told a different story...sex life dropped off, quality time...(my #1 need) dropped off, he was obsessed with a FB game and took offense every time I asked him to take some time away from the game and give it to me. In January of this year I approached him and said that it did not seem as though he was happy and asked if he wanted to work on the issues or if he wanted out. He told me that he could not bare to lose me again, that he knew he had been taking me for granted and that he would make changes. It never happened...my frustration with things increased and I began to feel like maybe we had made a mistake. With each request for a date to each cigarette he smoked in the vehicle with me when I asked him to respect that I was trying to quit and not to do so, I withdrew more and more. In April of this year I discovered he had been having an online EA when I received a text that was obviously not meant for me. I confronted him and he denied initially but finally came clean. He agreed to stop talking with her and sent me a fake text in which he supposedly ended it. I found out on Mother's Day that he lied. We separated again but I believed it was to work on things as we began MC....ending our M never crossed my mind and according to him not his either...more lies on his part.
He did end the EA not long after that but not for me evidently...he began talking to his 2nd wife (yup...I'm 3rd & 4th) from 21 years ago. They were married for less than a year...he cheated on her also but I did not know that until much later. He gave me a very different reason for their divorce.
Now here is where it gets a little funky in history. Second wife worked for a national bank in which we had a mortgage through. Back in 2008 I called into bank to discuss something with mortgage and wouldn't you know, the CS was my H ex-wife...it was a friendly convo...I didn't feel any threat whatsoever and we exchanged personal #'s and became friends. She was going through a tough time...her H had been cheating on her with a friend of hers and I was a good listener. When my H and I separated in 2009 she also became a good listener. In time her and her H went into counseling and were trying to work things out and my sitch had escalated so while we talked it wasn't as often as we had been however she was completely aware of how things ended with my 1st marriage and full of happiness and congrats when H and I remarried. Her marriage ended up in divorce and her H moved on with OW.
That part of history out of the way...In June I find out her and my H have been involved in PA...she contacts me contrite, sorry, upset that she did not contact me before allowing herself to become involved (of course he had demonized me to her), blah, blah, blah....
I asked her to end things with him and give us a few months in MC to see where it could go in the best interests of all involved...if it didn't work out at least things may be able to end amicably. She agreed and informed H...he FREAKED...sent me so many hateful texts...told me his life was none of my business and he wanted a divorce...
The next morning he texts me to tell me something bad happened and he needed to talk to me...turns out in his upset the night before he went and got drunk and ended up with a DUI...he said he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce and that he really needed me to stick by him through this DUI and he would stop seeing OW and go into counseling...I told him I would agree however he needed to be transparent...passwords, etc. had to be turned over and counseling was required...he agreed but kept finding one reason or another not to follow through...writing on the wall...I retained an attorney to work out official separation agreement which he fought telling me that I was pushing him away, that he was not still involved, blah, blah, blah...I already knew he was lying...I had proof...I just didn't share with him because I knew he would once again try and find someway to tell me what I knew was not true. They never stopped seeing each other...
It took me a little while to save the money for attorney fees and to move since I knew I could no longer stay in our house...more reasons than just his A...it was the emotional abuse...the knowledge that I was being used and I was just plain miserable...I moved several hours away in September. H was begging me not to divorce him...just stay separated and see what happens, etc. I asked him over and over again to come clean about A, he maintained his innocence however consistently disappeared on the weekends claiming that he was with a buddy...I asked him to prove it...he said he didn't need to, if I loved him I would trust and believe in him. UGH...there is still so much in between with emotional abuse...anyway, a few weeks ago he finally decided to come clean...he is in love, she is his soul mate...
I know on an intellectual level I am done with this relationship...I try not to have contact with him but we are still tied in a few financial ways which he refuses to do his part to cut so I am just letting it go...I'm at peace and have been doing things that I enjoy, etc...WHEN THE HELL WILL MY HEART FINALLY GET ON THE SAME PAGE...I feel like some freak of nature that I still feel love for this man...why don't I hate him...he has put me and our family thru hell and walks around all entitled telling everyone I made him unhappy and he has a right to be happy...
Any and all support desperately needed...thanks for listening...
Ok. It sounds like your WH just is doing the ultimate cake eating job on you. He loves you. No, he loves her. No, he's in trouble, needs you to stand by him. I'll give her up, no I won't. Etc. He's changing his tune so many times, he has you so hopeful and helpless, he can pull whatever string he wants, and you will jump.
You need to do the 180. Actually you need to go NC as much as possible, but use the 180 when you must be around him. You need time to clear YOUR head, and decide what is best for YOU. He likes having the two of you on the hook. You need to do what helps you, and worry about yourself, not him.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
I just don't understand my heart at this point...I am more at peace...no more walking on eggshells...but there are so many thing I miss about him...about us together...I want the pain to subside and it just isn't happening fast enough for me...
Why do you still love him? Because you spent 19 years with him. You have a child with him. You've been through a lifetime with him. You didn't fall in love with him - true love - instantly. That took time. Falling out of love takes time too. As I've said before - if it didn't this site wouldn't exist. A WS would discovered, the BS would file for divorce, case closed. No broken hearts, no hurt feelings, no self doubt. Easy as pie. That isn't how it works for anyone, including you.
Don't beat yourself up for still feeling love for this man. All you can do is just keep reminding yourself of all the hell this selfish ass has put you through.
Regarding him walking into your back yard to see you when it was clear you didn't want that - you can go back to your attorney and ask that he be denied access to your home or property, and that any visitation with DD will be off of your property, and he cannot get out of his car when he comes to get her. Check with your attorney to see what options are open. This man doesn't want you getting over him. He wants to see that you still care. He has some real issues and somehow you feed some of them. Sick, and unfair.
You will get over him. It just takes time.
“EMF”-Expert at Mind F$%ks is definitely a piece of work…that is exactly what I said to him the day he came into the back yard.
On the new OW…he has definitely bit off more than he can chew there even if he doesn’t know it yet…When she called me on D day (3x’s no less) she asked me why I wanted to try and save my marriage…Exact words (funny how the mind remembers that shit) “Why would you want to be with someone like him? He is a charming liar who cheats and has hurt you in terrible ways”…OBTW he said you gave him permission to continue seeing me, is that true?”…Yeah, she’s a special kind of special…LMAO!!!
Thank you for your words of affirmation as to why I still love him…sadly I feel these feelings are how I “feed” him…which is why I am so desperate not to feel them anymore. I have friends who tell me I should put on a happy face and engage…I’ve told them that would be the worst thing I can do…I know him…that merely encourages “cake eating.” We also work in the same industry…he will approach me when we find ourselves in the same venue, in front of others despite my requests that he respect my boundaries and not put me in that position…in these moments I feel forced to engage…takes every bit of strength I have not to slap him in his face.
As to the back yard incident…I made it very clear to him that if he ever did something like that again I would without hesitation call the police. I don’t think he will make the mistake again.
Our DD has her own issues with him…she is still in HS…graduates this year. They really don’t do anything together when she is with him and when she asks he always has some excuse… she has always wanted to be “daddy’s little girl.” I am afraid of how this whole mess will affect her relationships future forward…
Thank you as well DevistatedMom…I really wish he would respect my feelings but then again after all of these years it’s pretty obvious he isn’t going to…My biggest concern is how these negative interactions continue to impact DD…he knows that too and I believe he uses it…trying to figure how to employ 180’s in this regard…tough.
I do have faith that I will get over him…time is just not my friend right now…
Exact words (funny how the mind remembers that shit) “Why would you want to be with someone like him? He is a charming liar who cheats and has hurt you in terrible ways”
Hmmm, and so she wants him because???
You're so right - she is definitely a special kind of special
Just keep remembering all of the crap he's heaped on you, all of the lies, and what he wants now - this dimwitted OW - and soon enough he'll become a bit of a joke. Seriously, check out the 'divorce and separation' forum. You'll see so many that started right where you are, and now have absolutely no use for their EXs (or STBXs).
You may be struggling to with trying to reconcile the years of him loving you and being compassionate and caring to the horrible man you see today. You may be wondering if it was all lies and you were just a fool in love with a user, and now he's fine telling everyone he's always been unhappy because he's found what he really wants.
That scenario is highly unlikely. He didn't spend 19 years with you because he just hadn't found someone else. He spent them because he wanted to. He loved you. That man is gone, and he's replaced with a selfish ass that is telling people bad things about you so he doesn't seem like such an asshole. He's twisting your marriage so that what he did to you doesn't haunt him. It's incredibly selfish and hurtful.
I know this isn't very helpful right now, when you're hurting, but maybe remembering it will help you get past some of the rougher moments.
Actually the suggestions you made are very helpful...I have a journal with all the "cons" and I refer to it often. I remind myself that I've already been down this road before and I came out of it better...It seems to feel so much worse this time...I think a lot of that has to do with the soul-searching and healing it took to forgive him and let him have a 2nd chance. I need to forgive myself for that mistake and I don't know where to begin there...I am really angry at ME.
Everything you said pretty much hit the nail on the head...I do feel used, questioning whether anything between us was real, etc...I feel like a damn fool.
OW can bite me...she is such a non issue in the big scheme of things...he is in love with the way she makes him feel...IMPLOSION ahead. I feel confident that STBX will be that old guy alone on the end of a barstool looking for his life in the bottom of a bottle one day and latest OW is just another stepping stone to his destiny.