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text exchange- being drawn into old patterns

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Gomphus posted 11/8/2013 14:52 PM

Some background. I'm doing really well with divorce/infidelity issues. Still some hanging on stuff i'm dealing with but overall very well.

One current dilemma is me dealing with my ex wife who is so friendly all the time. Like, wants to talk about the kids too much, lingers after dropping stuff off, whatever. To me, I see this behavior as her trying to get something from me. Validation? idk. I feel like by being nice to her I'm absolving her of any blame, responsibility or whatever. It bothers me and i'm often afraid to not be nice because I don't want our coparenting to become shitty. So sometimes I wonder if i'm too nice and if my boundaries are still weak. My SO thinks exw wants her cake and eat it to. Like, she still wants me to love her and have OM living with her. I don't know, my SO is pretty reasonable so it's not impossible. Either way, I need to tell exw to back off some.

Anyway, so I'm trying to have better boundaries without being a dick. The following texts are about custody arrangements over thanksgiving and the following weekend which are 4 days of ballet performances for the girls and myself (I participate in the performance).

Typically, we split holidays so that kids can spend time with each extended family. It's always me being flexible around her family's schedule. No big deal, my family is laid back BUT a boundary issue where she can take advantage so an area i'm sensitive to. Also, the kids were with me last ballet gig and since I'm a man I can't go in the dressing room and help with hair so mom comes and does it.

Here's the text exchange in response to her passively asking what my plans for thanksgiving are, same as always, knowing full well what days she wants and probably they conflict or she wouldn't ask. She's fishing. I wait an hour or so and respond:

G: I can flip that week, but i will have them 3 weekends in a row. you will get them onday the 25-fri the 29th. (NOTE, I am scheduled to have them 27-29, she asked to have them on my days and me take her weekend. It is not insignificant that she has to work that weekend and is always scrambling for her family to act as child care)

ex: I can take them either of those weekends

G: it would be too long with out them and its better they're with me for ballet.

ex: is it? [dramatic pause] I figured I may help them with make up and hair since you don't do the dressing rooms.

G: Again, I would go two weekends without them. and hair and makeup that big a deal anymore? Cant another mom help?

ex: Really?

G: I'm done.

Any comments? Am I reading too much into it? Being too nice still? Be honest, I can take it.


Gomphus posted 11/8/2013 15:16 PM

haha doens't matter anyway since my sister, who's doing thanksgiving dinner, has to do thursday anyway and cannot do saturday.

but if you'd still like to comment on the context of the text exchange please do


Crescita posted 11/8/2013 15:30 PM

Does she mean to say she wouldn't help with hair and make-up and watch the performance if it wasn't her parenting time?

Yeah, you certainly aren't the one being unreasonable here.

Gomphus posted 11/8/2013 15:52 PM

No, she would do hair - she's not that bad, lol. But she does have to drive 30 min one way to do it thurs, fri, sat, and sun so i can see how it would be in her favor to just have them anyway.

I dunno, I'm setting new boundaries.

redrock posted 11/8/2013 16:28 PM

Spent 11 long years in the 'dance' world. Our team had several single dads who had older girls or mom do the hair and make-up for their daughters.

One dad believed he should be able to do the whole kit and kaboodle and went to the Hair Class(yes they actually gave parents a class on how to do the different styles) and learned it all on his own.

It was funny because he was a detail oriented engineer and both of his daughters hair always looked amazing. The studio set up a place in the common area for dads to help their daughters.

Not every student has a same sex parent... May be something you want to address with the studio if you are going to be at this for awhile....

Good luck!

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