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A year later...WS welcome

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NotsureIcan posted 11/8/2013 15:12 PM

I'm posting here after many months of not saying anything. I've gotten several email so I wanted to just give an update.
I'm the one that kept asking if it's possible after the affair to just end it, how can my FWH do that? Always wondering if there had been contact.
Well, the first week after d-day I did check his phone and nothing. I do believe there was a short time of NC. After that I never checked again, I can't live that way. Fast forward to July of this year (8 months in) I know his OW settled her accident case and as her physician my WH said the attorney would be handling all of it. The day came and went and he said there was NC from her. I asked him 100 times during these 8 months!!! Finally, 2 weeks after her case settled I felt I was losing my mind so I checked the phone. 2 phone calls 2 weeks after d-day and then one whole day of texting 2 days after her case went to court. Apparently she was thanking him. Barf!!!
I ended up checking all records and that was all I found! It took hours!
Long story short, I confronted him and also asked him to leave,he would not leave. He said he only spoke with her those few times because she called and he was still afraid of her professionally ruining him (he still could have told me!!)
He also added that he lied to her saying he missed her so she wouldn't do anything crazy.
He got on the ground and begged me not to make him leave, he said what can I do to prove I haven't seen her and I don't want to be with her? I said "you can call her right now and don't tell her I'm in the room" it was 11:30pm so idk if she would realize I was around or not...anyway, he got on the phone with her and said "you know I never have intended to leave my wife, and I love her & I haven't seem you since last fall and I haven't initiated contact at all right? She said yes. He then said "the contact has to stop, I have been afraid that you would hurt me and my family so I didn't tell my wife we spoke those few times but now I have to be honest with her. I have done nothing but lie to you out of fear all along, I am blocking your # please do not call or text me ever again. And they got off the phone.
The next day I called her myself, I had her verify that she had not seen him (again) and that he did not initiate the contact. She said she In fact had initiated and that he never led her to believe that he was leaving (like that mattered) she also apologized and said she would not contact him again. I said a few things also but you get the drift, she got the message!!!
I also made WH call some of his family members and tell them the truth about the affair.
Since this time we are still R but my decision has not been made. I still know where he is at all times, he still sends the pic texts....and feel we started over but I have to consider my kids & family in my decision so I'm not willing to make a rash decision.
This has been a very difficult 3 months, I'm just taking it one moment at a time.

BS-(me) 44

2 sons- 26&22 years
2 daughters-24&9 years

Married 9 years,together 15 years
D-day 11-6-12

Trying to R

karmahappens posted 11/8/2013 16:23 PM

Any lies after dday that are mean to "protect" us hurt R and the marriage, period. Lies get uncovered, usually our gut wins out and we find them.

I am sorry he didn't come to you and lay it all out there. NC is NC and any contact needs to be confessed the second it happens.

Going forward, if it were me, I would work on myself, continue with my healing. See where time takes your heart. You don't need to decide anything.

When you are ready you will know.

I would get a list together of what you need from him. Preface it with " I do not know where we will end up, but what I need right now is x,y and z".

I would set boundaries going forward with doable consequences and stick to them.

Right now is a delicate time, he needs to bust his butt to show you where his heart lies and you need to navigate a path for you until you decide.

((hugs))) it ain't easy!

Simple posted 11/8/2013 16:41 PM

and feel we started over

Because he didn't tell you the whole truth, you ARE starting over. I'm sorry you're back there again. It didn't seem like he's figured out why he cheated. That's the point you need to drive to him to find.

He said he only spoke with her those few times because she called and he was still afraid of her professionally ruining him

If he still thinks this way and he still doesn't realize that he HAS to tell you everything, sometimes even BEFORE he does it, then you certainly haven't moved from square #1.

I sincerely hope a remorseful wayward will write something here for you to help your H out on how to tackle this. It's good that he did exactly what you wanted him to do, hopefully he keeps it up.

Hugs your way.

NotsureIcan posted 11/15/2013 07:37 AM

Thank you for your posts. It's been so hard. Our therapist said he must not have "fucked up enough" and had to do it again by lying about contact. I will never understand it.
The only thing I do understand is that I may not stay here. I'm not sure I can do it. Every day seems to take me to a place of less caring and seeing D as a better option. Why stay and torture myself? For the sake of my little girl?
I've just never had to deal with such an idiot!! Makes me want to punch him. 24/7. Or just not look at him at all. ...

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