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I am so angry - I mean really Angry!!

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3kids30years posted 11/8/2013 15:51 PM

I need to vent -

We are about 8 months out and I am angry. Really angry. I can feel it always just below the surface, ready to bubble up at any moment. I am not patient, I am not focused, I am not me. I am so angry. I shake, I cry, I get nauseous, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think.

I am angry at WH, I am angry at OW, I am angry with me. I am angry that I was so stupid, that I didn't see what was going on. That he "dated" her. That I didn't know. I am angry that I didn't make him leave on DDay, that I didn't hefty bag his shit and tell him to go be with her. To go be with this immoral, conniving, slut he "loves". I am angry he told me he loved her. I am angry that he blamed me for our problems. I am angry I let him stay. I am angry that I let him back into my heart. I am angry that I don't think he is trying as hard as I am, I am angry that he is "all good" while I am in such pain. I am angry that he feels better, that he is "happy", that he "knows he won't do it again". I am angry he put me in this dark place and I can't get out. I am angry he isn't helping me get out.

I am so angry. We are in MC, I hold it in, I try to talk calmly, I try to not jump in when he lies. I am angry that he lies. That he lies to me, that he lies to the MC, that he lies to himself. I am angry he expects me to believe his lies. I am angry that he believes his lies.

I am angry that he has secrets. I am angry "they" have secrets. I ma angry that there is a "they". I am angry that I will NEVER know everything. I am angry that he decides what I need to know, what will help me. I am angry he got to have his fun. I am angry he shared his life with her, shared his time with her, he shared himself with her. I am angry that I'm not special anymore. I am angry that sex with her was good, that he kept going back. I am angry he was intimate with someone else. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I am so angry.

I want to hit things, throw things, destroy things. I want to feel pain, not emotional, but physical. I want to feel something, anything but this constant anger. I am so angry.

How do I release this anger? How do I let it go? I love him, I believe he loves me. I believe he is NC. I believe he is trying. But I am angry that he is not trying hard enough, that he expects me to heal myself. I am so angry.

Does it ever leave? Does it get better? Or will it always be there, just below the surface? I am so angry. But I don't want to be.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/8/2013 16:19 PM

You seem to be right on my timeline, 3kids30years. At 5-6 months I hit the anger stage and by 8 months I was a raging maniac inside of myself. Thankfully that is when I found SI and was able to vent and spew all my raging, hateful venom.

This post could probably be something almost exactly what I posted. So much anger to get over the same exact things, except this.

I am angry he told me he loved her.
If that was the way my FWH thought he felt about it, I am glad he kept that shit to himself. He said he never did. I am so sorry you had to hear that. (((3kids30years)))
How do I release this anger? How do I let it go? I love him, I believe he loves me. I believe he is NC. I believe he is trying. But I am angry that he is not trying hard enough, that he expects me to heal myself. I am so angry.
Does it ever leave? Does it get better? Or will it always be there, just below the surface? I am so angry. But I don't want to be.
I don't know if you mean a physical release or mental. Some for physical release suggest kick boxing, exercising, running, yoga or buying some cheap breakables at your local thrift store and breaking them in a safe way (hefty bags, safety glasses, gloves and hammer).

The answer to your other questions are pretty much a dirty word........time. Ugh! I know, but I can tell you from someone who felt exactly like you (from this post) at 3 1/2 years post d-day it does get better. If you have both been working on your individual healing, it will be so much better. If you both have been working on improving your marriage, it will be so much better. There really is healing.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/8/2013 16:24 PM

I feel the exact same way. Everything you said is exactly how I feel. You are not alone. I wish yelling at each other would help. If I'm not angry I'm just tired and "done". (Hug).

Newlease posted 11/8/2013 16:34 PM

Try exercise of any kind. That helped me vent a lot of anger. I walked at least 2 miles every day. I went to kick boxing classes - very good - just imagined OW and XWH on the end of each kick and punch. Every time I felt the anger bubbling up, I would do something physical until I was exhausted. It helps.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Raven96 posted 11/8/2013 16:51 PM

Oooh...I like the kickboxing idea! That, or playing frisbee with dishes!

I am so sorry that you are at this stage. Please keep posting here and vent away!! We all have your back!!!

(((3kids30years)))

jjsr posted 11/8/2013 16:54 PM

Let the anger out especially in MC. You can not keep it in. He needs to see your anger too. If you hold it in, its going to make you sick. Let it out.

seenow posted 11/8/2013 17:10 PM

Ditto! Angry.

Alex CR posted 11/8/2013 17:14 PM

By nine months out I was a raging maniac....Exercise, screaming in the car with loud music to cover the noise, and finally one night breaking dishes....smashing them against the wall one after another until I was cried out.

IC helped me get through the anger stage....using the STOP sign, making appointments with myself to vent and let the anger out or time to just think about the A also helped. But all of that didn't happen until I got through the worst of the anger ...when I decided I didn't want my day taken up with thinking about the A anymore and I would 'schedule' a time to do it that worked for me instead of my emotions running me.

As others have said it takes time.....it does get better and with a truly remorseful spouse who's willing to do what it takes to help you heal, you can be happy together again.....I know we are and we're just shy the four year antiversary when the world as I knew it exploded, but we're rebuilding one, together.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting! Vent away!

GabyBaby posted 11/8/2013 17:17 PM

Your anger is completely normal.

This part of your post concerns me:

We are in MC, I hold it in, I try to talk calmly, I try to not jump in when he lies. I am angry that he lies. That he lies to me, that he lies to the MC, that he lies to himself.

How are you in true R if he is still telling lies to everyone? If he is not honest with the MC, your MC cannot help you. You're going to stay angry and nothing will truly heal until he "gets it".
I would call him on the lies when you're in MC. Don't hold your tongue in that venue.

HeartInADustpan posted 11/8/2013 17:22 PM

That, or playing frisbee with dishes!


Mine were vases. As many as I could grab ending with shards on the kitchen floor. Can't remember the exact timing, but 8-9 months sounds about right. Never in my life had I felt rage as I did then. Vents helped me too. Take care of yourself.

selkiescot posted 11/8/2013 17:25 PM

Yur in the angerstage and it's normal. I also did karate and boy it helped. I think however if his s lying to the MC you need to call him out on it.
Just keep saying thi s in time will pass.

3kids30years posted 11/8/2013 17:31 PM

Thanks All - nice to know I'm not the only one

I walk 2 or 3 miles 3 or4 mornings a week with 3 friends who all know about the A. I do seem to have more anger when I don't walk. They listen and don't judge. They support me in any decision I make regarding the M.

I do "call him out" when he lies in MC. He doesn't think he lies. I will point out the inconsistencies to the MC and she will ask him. He thinks I am too hung up on the words he uses, or doesn't use. That I need to "cut him some slack". Like that is going to happen.

I think - after re-reading my post - that I am most angry that I don't feel he is doing everything he can to help me. He waits for me to tell what he needs to do, he makes very little effort, then can't figure out why I don't feel special, important, wanted.

I think I'll go to a thrift store this weekend and buy dishes. Then break them.

crazyblindsided posted 11/8/2013 18:51 PM

Ahhhh the sound of broken dishes!!!!

Oh yes the anger is like no other anger I have ever experienced in my life. I had to be put on meds for it.

Tripletrouble posted 11/8/2013 18:55 PM

Raising hand here too! Almost 7 months from d day. I had to take Xanax at work today because I could feel myself losing it.

painandgrief posted 11/8/2013 21:59 PM

I am angry he put me in this dark place and I can't get out. I am angry he isn't helping me get out.
That's exactly how I feel. The last couple of weeks have been horrible. I'm back to losing weight while being constantly nauseated and I'm so fucking pissed too. No support, only a litany of what he can't do. i want to just stand on a rooftop and yell and scream screw you, screw you, screw you.

And yes, it's been 6 months since I found out. BASTARD.

jemimapd posted 11/8/2013 22:12 PM

My guess is that the anger is linked to the lying. Some of that anger is also frustration.

If he were to be 100% honest, if he were to tell you everything, then you would hit rock bottom but at least you would be on solid ground. It would be a release of sorts because you would know what you are dealing with. Right now, it sounds as if he is in control.

If you are working harder than him then you are going to stay angry in my experience.... I am not advocating divorce but in my case when I filed, a lot of the anger went because I felt in control for the first time in years. Finally, what he did or didn't do, was much less important.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/8/2013 22:44 PM

Time is the correct response when you are dealing with a remorseful WH.

However, I'm not *seeing* that your WH is remorseful. Playing the *semantics* game with you and telling you to cut him some slack is not remorseful behavior, IMO. And if your MC is not calling him out on this shit during the sessions, then that MC is making the damage worse and you can expect your anger to increase as time goes on instead of decreasing.

You can bag-punch, kick-box, and walk until the cows come home, but if your WH is still playing *games* with you.....your anger is not going to just magically go away.

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