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Feeling Vengful desire to cheat back

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BrokenwingBird posted 11/8/2013 15:54 PM

Anyone else having this issue?

We are 1 month since D Day and separated while R. He had an affair for 2 years while I was pregnant, and breastfeeding our son at home, and working my but off at work and school. Our marriage was in bad shape during that time, and he just "couldnt handle" our reality so he ran away by going out with friends and seeing the OW.

Needless to say I was resentful of not having more help from him without even knowing about the A. Now that I know, it makes me hate him. I was having just as hard of a time dealing with our reality, but I stuck it out and did what needed to be done. I had just as many needs emotionally and sexually that went unfulfilled.

Now I feel like it's totally unfair because he got to release all that tension and go have a great time, and now he is ready to R.

I didnt. I want to feel good to. Now I am consumed by this desire to go have sex with other men. Just for fun! I don't know if its out of revenge or what. I used to feel guilty for having these thoughts, but now, I have no guilt whatsoever. So much of me feels like thats what he deserves and If we are "even" so to speak, it would help me not feel so walked on.

I of course wont act on these feelings, but I cant help but feel resentful of the fact that he got to go get his jollies while I kept our home in order.

Is anyone else experiencing these feelings? How did you handle them?

Jrazz posted 11/8/2013 15:58 PM

I was CONSUMED by those thoughts in the beginning. I was unhappy with our sex life and HE went elsewhere?!?! Insanely ironic. Luckily I had the community here to talk me down.

It's common, but it's still toxic. Hang onto that part of you that KNOWS that two wrongs don't make a right. Indulging in an RA makes things exponentially more painful - not only have you list respect for your WS but you will lose it for yourself and have so much farther to go in terms of personal health and growth.

It feels unfair. I HATE unfair. That being said I'm relieved that I never jumped over to that side of the fence.

Sal1995 posted 11/8/2013 16:02 PM

Anyone else having this issue?

Yeah, and feeling like this early on is pretty typical.

Is anyone else experiencing these feelings? How did you handle them?

I evaluated my own morals, character and integrity. Asked myself if cheating is something I would ever consider doing prior to D Day. The answer was no.

So why would I allow my WW and her sleazy AP to make me less than I am? They don't have that power.

That settled the issue for me. If I sleep with another woman, it'll be because I divorced my wife and became available, not because I sunk to her level.

Hope this helps BrokenwingBird. Sorry this happened to you.

ETA: "I was unhappy with our sex life and HE went elsewhere?!?! Insanely ironic."

Holy crap, Jrazz, I could have written that. Same situation here. Even 9 months out I still find myself thinking "you've got to be f------ kidding me." Trying to come to terms with the behavior of the confused and broken is crazymaking, huh?

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:07 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Simple posted 11/8/2013 16:18 PM

Anyone else having this issue?

It's typical. You're only 1 month from DDay. You're still raw. Be careful what decisions you make.

Now I feel like it's totally unfair

It is. No doubt about it. You know what's even more unfair? The additional stress, pain, and soul-emptying experience YOU will find yourself in when you turn Madhatter. Madhatter means you're a BS and a WS. Madhatters here will tell you not to follow their footsteps. Heck truly remorseful waywards here will tell you they HURT too. Especially knowing THEY are the cause of it. How would you feel if you cause that much hurt that you're feeling now on another human being?

How about to you child? As a child of madhatters I'm telling you, it's not easy to grow up knowing your parents FUCKED UP and can't act like adults. That being said your WS can redeem himself and show that he can grow up. You on the other hand can show that you are grown up and knows how to be rock for your child. My FWH and I agreed we will discuss relationships and affairs to our kids when they've grown up. How would you feel having to tell your kids you had a revenge affair? What will that teach them about how to cope with difficulties in marriage?

I hope these points of view help you.

Quakingaspen posted 11/8/2013 19:57 PM

Yes. Thank you for posting something I couldn't quite bring myself to. I have felt the same way. And still do. I would never be able to while I am married though.
Ultimately, I know that what I really want is reassurance of my desirability as a woman, an escape from this crushing despair, and just the physical comfort of another human being. Besides the vengeance bit. But I don't use people that way, and anyone who would go along with a crazy idea like that is not the kind of person I want I'm my life.
But I am really glad to have this place to come to.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/8/2013 19:58 PM

I remember thinking to myself along the following lines:
If I'm trying to tell my FWW there is no excuse for cheating and then I go and make an excuse to cheat, that would make me a pretty big hypocrite.

BrokenwingBird posted 11/8/2013 20:21 PM

Thank you all for your feedback. It is very helpful.

Like I said, I know I will not act on these feelings. I just wanted to know if it was a normal reaction. . . and even more so if it is a feeling that will go away. I have felt unfulfilled in my marriage for some time and now that the truth about the A is out, part of me naturally is wondering if the grass is greener out there.

It started with me thinking about former lovers of mine and the exhileration I used to feel with them that I dont feel with my husband. I think part of my desire to go out there and sleep with others is this fear that I will never feel that excitement again otherwise, and that I will never get it back with my husband, especially after this. Or maybe its just the anger. Something to work out in therapy I suppose.

But I digress...I will not cheat. I consider myself to be above that type of behavior. Just yet another crazy set of emotions I have been experiencing since I found out.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/8/2013 20:47 PM

I think the thought has crossed the mind of most BS. I got to the point where I wanted get even and went to the ashleymadison website. I got as far as typing in the website name and hitting enter. When the page came up my first thought was that there was some poor woman out there who didn't know their husband was a lying, cheating jerk off. I couldn't make another woman feel like I did. Then I thought Craigslist could be my way to get even (I'm big on justice btw). But I realized I wanted to feel loved, wanted, desirable. I wanted someone to want me for me. And like that was going to happen with some anonymous encounter with some guy whose only requirement is that you're alive.

Why didn't I do it? Because I'm better than that and so are you.

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