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Odd question about living together

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lisaloo posted 11/8/2013 20:03 PM

So, I've been away from this forum for while, because reconciliation had been going well...Had been being the operative phrase there. Recently, WH has seemed detached, snappy, late from work a lot...yada, yada, yada, the old familiar routine. So I confronted him, and he denied that anything was going on. Fortunately, I have learned to trust my gut and I went snooping today. As soon as I logged on to his gmail account, I saw him chatting with a woman from work, and planning to meet up with her at a local greenway after work to "walk." So naturally I met them there. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. That having been's where I am. I dont believe in divorce. I just cant wrap my head around it, even if I do have a bibical "out" so to speak. it possible to just live with someone, knowing they are cheating, and just turn a blind eye? I'm just so over trying to fix our marriage and I dont think at this point, that it's realistic to expect that he will ever change. Is it just a horrible idea to just live as friends and say to hell with the romantic side of a marriage?

simplydevastated posted 11/8/2013 20:10 PM

You are so young. Why would you want to throw your life away like that?

Williesmom posted 11/8/2013 20:13 PM

Why would you do this? You deserve more.

We only get one chance at this life. Why would you want to spend one extra minute of it with someone that doesn't get the awesomeness that is you?

lisaloo posted 11/8/2013 20:18 PM

I absolutely know that it sounds like I am just giving up on myself...I KNOW that...I'm just so over it all. I would NEVER remarry if we did split I figure why not just stay in the same house and...I dont know. I honestly dont know WTH I am thinking. I DO know that I have a freaking pre-paid family vacation to Disney World coming up in 20 days that my daughter and I have planned out for months and she would have a breakdown if her parents split AND the vacation was cancelled...I just dont want to do that to her. Surely WH and I could just fake it for a week...

lieshurt posted 11/8/2013 21:03 PM

Surely WH and I could just fake it for a week...

For a week, yes you could. Long term, no. You would be doing your daughter a disservice if you tried. You are her example of what a HEALTHY relationship is supposed to be. If you stay with a serial cheater, then you are setting your daughter up for heartache and failure in her future. I'm sorry, but staying for religious reasons is selfish if they doom your daughter to dysfunctional relationships.

lisaloo posted 11/8/2013 21:11 PM

I'm sorry, but staying for religious reasons is selfish if they doom your daughter to dysfunctional relationships.

Ouch...while I hear what you're saying, and I totally get it (and on some level totally agree), I'm kind of feeling like a massive failure as a wife and a human being in general tonight, so if we could hold off on making me a failure as a mom too, at least for a few days, that would be helpful.

nowiknow23 posted 11/8/2013 21:27 PM

((((lisaloo)))) Oh, honey. You are NOT a failure. I know you won't believe that, but it's true. Please be gentle with yourself.

Nature_Girl posted 11/8/2013 22:15 PM

I didn't believe in divorce, either. However, I knew that I had the Biblical "out", and I also knew that I didn't want a millstone put on my neck & be cast into the sea because I stayed in an environment that would cause a myriad of harm to my children.

You are not called to martyr yourself on the alter of marriage. Don't turn the marriage contract into an idol.

lisaloo posted 11/8/2013 22:46 PM

I feel like such a fool... He left tonight. I don't know where he is, and I tried to call to see if he's coming home (I have a 12 hour shift at the hospital tomorrow, and someone has to be here to take care if our daughter) but he won't answer. I left a message saying that if he didn't come home and deal with this that I would take it to mean he's done..,no response..,I can't am I supposed to help keep people alive tomorrow with all this going on? And what do I do if he's not here in the morning? I can't call out-the last thing I want to do is risk my job right now.

Shelz posted 11/8/2013 23:00 PM

Hey there. I know you're in a tough spot but try your hardest to rest. Do something comforting to yourself - what was something you did when you were young to comfort yourself? Do it now. Glass of warm milk, snuggle with a toy, do it no matter how silly!!

Tomorrow will work out on whatever way it works out, whether it be ugly or pretty. Your anxiety about this at midnight serves no one. It doesn't do you any good. Try and breathe deeply, relax, let it roll of your body. Your cortisol levels are high, not good to be in that as a constant state.

You gotta take better care of yourself. I wish I knew you in real life, if you were my friend I would be there. Is there anyone you can talk to?

lisaloo posted 11/9/2013 06:25 AM

I slept a non consecutive total of about 2 hours last night, so this promises to be the longest shift ever...WH came home around 1am, completely unrepentant. He says that he's "not himself" around me and that this newest woman he's talking to is just a friend and he's tired of losing good friends because I have issues (I can't imagine WHY avoiding friendships with women might be something I would take issue with...not to mention that it was part of our terms of reconciliation). So he's choosing his "friends" over his this point I'm actually considering divorce...I just need to suffer through this until he either comes out of the fog or I get out of grad school (wh's military benefits are paying for my school). So he will either decide to not be an asshat, or I'm gone when I have my masters degree and can provide a wonderful life for my daughter. Sucks so much to be here again .

doggiediva posted 11/9/2013 08:19 AM

You are so young..If I had it to do over again I would have taken my new baby(27 years ago) and ran for the hills..

Now I am in retirement facing the possibility of having to go back to work in marginally bad health (mobility/pain issue due to injury)..

My WH is an asshat and he is also a dead weight around my neck because he is unemployed without pension or savings..

I have 30 years of hard earned pension and savings, but I was never a high level executive employee, so my financials cannot support two households in the case of separation or D..

If you are about to finish up with your Masters in 6 months or less, I understand your reluctance to rock the boat...But if you have another 2 years to go, it will be a looooong 2 years, especially if WH is acting like an ass hat without consideration of your feelings or your daughter..

Isn't it possible to get some kind of financial settlement in a S or D to cover for your schooling? Tuition reimbursement thru your job? If this is one of your top priorities financially and you do D, I would take a lump sum of money up front versus having your WH pay it out in monthly installments..
I know how hard it is to work the long hours with people's lives/wellbeing in your hands....And hospitals are getting to be very unforgiving about the amount of PTO time allowed in a year for sick calls...Do you have enough vacation/sick/PTO days saved up that you can apply for FMLA(paid)? If you do decide to file for D or S and it comes time to move or kick WH out, it might be useful to have several weeks off..This time off can help you get your day to day life back on track(without WH) and stabilized( finding a place, reliable child care, etc) before you have to focus on work again...
Sending you strength...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:26 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

tushnurse posted 11/9/2013 08:59 AM

First of all I want you to stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Your H is broken in an extreme manner. This is no reflection on you. Now you sound like an educated woman I want you to think like one. Also think of this as an outsider, a friend or sister in this situation. What would you tell them how would you support them through this?

You need to get your hea straight. Yes I believe you can fake it and play happy family for your trip. But I also believe you need to prep for major changes when you get home. Go talk to an attorney and find out why your rights are. I know you don't believe in divorce but this is in NO way a Marriage either.

Your H is abusing you. He is not showing you love, respect, or support. He is showing you shame and abuse. He is manipulating you into feeling guilty, and that the problems he has are due to shortcomings in you or your M. How in the world can you even consider staying with someone like this? It's the wrong message for your daughter. You aren't showing her that a woman can be strong, independent, happy, without tolerating some asshole abusing you.

You said you don't want to ever remarry great don't! But to open yoursel up for another 30-40-50 years of this stress and abuse isn't fair to you. Life is short and should be spent happy and this situation is not happy

doggiediva posted 11/9/2013 09:15 AM

I agree with Tushnurse and other posters..

It may take losing the M to save it, especially if your WH has any redeeming qualities that will make him feel remorse down the road..

IMHO, it isn't fair for you or your daughter to sit around waiting for months, years for your WH to defog, feel remorse and behave like a loving caring life partner because it may never happen..

I think the very least you can do while in-house with WH is to make yourself and your daughter a priority in your decisions .. In other words invest the time, energy and money you have in yourself and your daughter and let your WH fend for himself..

No matter what decision you make about your M, it is still a good idea to separate your finances from your WH's and make the time/energy to build a solid exit plan...

lisaloo posted 11/9/2013 11:24 AM

Fortunately our savings acct is in my name only, so I can just start moving that money somewhere (if I need to, I don't know if it is considered marital property since it's in my name). We also have two houses that I am on the deed for, but not the paying that falls on him. God...this sucks. My daughter and I were so excited about her first trip to disney, and now I'm just dreading it..

nowiknow23 posted 11/9/2013 11:36 AM

Fortunately our savings acct is in my name only, so I can just start moving that money somewhere (if I need to, I don't know if it is considered marital property since it's in my name). We also have two houses that I am on the deed for, but not the paying that falls on him.
And THIS is what a lawyer can help you sort through. The savings might be a marital asset, regardless of it being in just your name. The mortgage might be your problem too, even if it's just in his name.

Talking to a lawyer can help you figure out where you stand if you D. Doesn't mean you have to file at this point - you can use it arm yourself with knowledge.

Putting all that aside, I highly recommend you read up on the 180 and put it into action for your own good. You can't make him do anything. But you can protect yourself from the impact of his actions.


Uhtred posted 11/9/2013 11:48 AM

You're way to good for this. End of story. Don't live your life like this as it will only bring misery for you.

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