"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Averyhurtgirl posted 11/8/2013 22:28 PM

I am the BS and no contact has worked well.

However, I ended up having to talk to him in person about child pick up dates. He said he comprimised so much with my child by giving me time. I told him that if he didn't do all of these things my son wouldn't even have to leave me for a two nights at a time. I said I did nothing to deserve my son to be away from me that he put us in thos situation.

He was being arrogant and he said that his counselor said that I am the reason why he cheated and basically became a sex addict. He started on this again saying that me disrespecting him caused him to do all of those things.

I was furious and l

Averyhurtgirl posted 11/8/2013 22:35 PM

The above got sent before I finished.

So then I lost it and went on about how he ruined my life, he wouldnt have to be in this situation if he was a good father who put his family before his needs, etc.

This left me feeling 1. Guilty for unleashing my words
2. Depressed for being in this situation
3. Frustrated that he appears happy and moving on

It all seems unfair to me. He is living in our home, has his family consoling and supporting him (he got their sympathy by telling them he's an addict due to sexual abuse), still driving his fancy car, still making his money, getting attention from others based on his looks/personality/intelligence etc.

While I am working my but off at work, living at my parents, raising my son etc.

Do any of you feel that way? That it's just not fair how te BS's life is screwed up while the ex carries on with a happy life and does not appear to be facing any consequences to his actions?

PurpleRose posted 11/9/2013 08:02 AM

You are right- it is not fair. None of it. You deserved better than a husband who cheated on you-- we all did.

This is why NC is the best practice. He will probably never wake up and say, "Avery is right! I made poor choices and it's not her fault I cheated!"

You know it's not your fault, and that is all that matters. He may never see how wrong he was, may never see the depth of pain he caused... But he does have to live with his broken self.

It's really easier if you stop worrying about HIS punishment and instead about YOUR healing. His time will come. Your time is right NOW. Don't let him steal another moment of your NB.

nowiknow23 posted 11/9/2013 12:34 PM

no contact has worked well

Sweetie - dust yourself off and get back on the NC horse. It works well because you can't reason with crazy. You can't make him see the error of his ways, the damage he's inflicted, the unfairness of it all. You just can't - he's incapable of seeing it.

You'd have better luck teaching a goldfish to do calculus.

((((Averyhurtgirl))))

better4me posted 11/9/2013 13:03 PM

He was being arrogant and he said that his counselor said that I am the reason why he cheated and basically became a sex addict. He started on this again saying that me disrespecting him caused him to do all of those things.

I call bullcrap on that! No therapist worth anything would say that!! I'd shout Bullshit when he says that, but I'd do it in my head because nothing you say and nothing you do will change his mind. It is unfathomable the lies/excuses/justifications people will make themselves believe. My X's family believe my X's explanations too--and it is just amazing to me that they can believe his crapful reasons for his crapful behavior. People only see what they want to see...

My advice--get back to NC as soon as you can. Next time he throws you the "it is your fault" line, don't take the bait when he offers it up, be a wise fish and swim past that slimy icky smelly catfish bait.

And you're right, it isn't fair that he gets to live a "happy life" but know this, it probably isn't as "happy" as he wants you to think it is...and our X's consequences aren't always visible to us, or fast coming--it make take years for them to "get what they deserve" and as time goes on it wont matter so much to you because you will be more and more indifferent to him. Work on living the best life you can. Being the best person/mother/human being you can be. With time it will matter less and less what kind of life he is living.

(((Averyhurtgirl)))

Averyhurtgirl posted 11/9/2013 13:23 PM

Thank you very much for the great reminder to focus on myself!!

You guys are right, him and his family will never admit (even if they realize) that what he did was wrong and 100% based on is wrong choices. It is easier to blame me rather than accepting what he did is down right evil.

Instead of feeling guilty and angry, I am going to continue with the NC. There is no point in even talking to a narrcicist who has no remorse for the pain he put me through.

Sometimes, I do hope karma comes to visit him one day though. Other times, I can care less. But, you are right that I cannot focus on that and need to focus on becoming a better me.

Have any of you experience your ex facing his/her consequences years later and what did it look like? I am just curious.

For now, NC and try to become a better mother, worker, child, friend, and happier me =)