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Is R sneaking up on me?

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iwillNOT posted 11/8/2013 22:31 PM

Haven't posted much lately but have been reading and benefitting from the wisdom here every day. At 3 months out, finally, finally I am getting some breathing room. I still think about the A every day, still cry every day, still talk about it with WH every day,'s not as unrelentingly continuously agonizing as it used to be. I am beginning to see the possibility of life after the A, and what kinds of things I want to create in myself and my marriage.

My WH and I have been in IC for 2 months and MC for a month. WH has had some bumps in his support of me, but not many - I feel like he is trying really hard and I see it every day. I am shocked, frankly, because I didn't think he would maintain the effort that he has. I notice that very gradually and organically, our discussions have begun to move from only being about the affair, to our marriage and strategies to make things better between us. I have begun to feel like maybe, just maybe, I really can commit to trying to R. I haven't said that to WH yet, but - I feel hopeful. I feel like things have changed.

Is this a gradual growing into R? For you, was getting to the point of actively working towards R a definite event of it's own, a decision, or did you find you were gradually starting to experience efforts to R without a sudden decision point?

Thanks in advance for any light you can shed for me.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/9/2013 07:41 AM

I am not much further along than you in this- but yes, this happened for us about a month ago. Your description of how your conversations have changed is exactly what I noticed. Now, we continue to talk- about the marriage, our childhoods, our future, about the A and events surrounding it. But it's so much easier now- the hurt isn't so raw, the anger is rarely present and the honesty is so easy now.
I am so happy to hear the relief in your post. I know it is not over- but being able to see the changes from month to month is amazing- and continues to give me hope.
I wish you the absolute best!

sisoon posted 11/9/2013 11:44 AM

Shirley Glass defines a stage of 'working on the M' for when one or both partners don't want to commit to R. Frankly, I wish everyone who wants to R goes through that stage.

I think you can 'slip into R', if you see consistent R behavior from your WS. After all, you M your WS for some good reasons, but those reasons are terribly insufficient on D-Day. If you see your WS become honest, transparent, and supportive after D-Day, R can look like the better choice.

(Personally, I wanted R from the start, but I refused to open myself to the pain of a false R. I watched my W for 90 days, saw remorse and consistent R behavior, and then committed to R myself.)

Jrazz posted 11/9/2013 11:56 AM

Sounds like the beginning of something to me. That organic feeling is the true indicator that you are on the right path. It's still confusing, and our emotions can take over even in "good" times, but IMO the only true path to R is slow and steady. That indicates more authenticity. Sudden decision points are more fit for when you need to say that you can't do it anymore. As for working on it, you get to take all the time you need.

You're doing great. Keep breathing and taking care of yourself.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:56 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

iwillNOT posted 11/9/2013 21:08 PM

Thanks for replying!

Wondertwin, I am glad to hear that the beginning of R happened similarly for you. I hope for R but was not sure I would be able to even try, after such a betrayal. Now I feel like there is a chance.

sisoon- I will search that book and try to find the "working on the marriage but not yet in R" section you referenced. Thank you for your insight.

Jrazz- slow and steady, that's me in general. Also, I just could not see how to make a decision to R, without that inner feeling of possibility; I wondered if it would ever come, and I am glad to have it, even if it's only a tiny flicker at this point.

I know there will still be crazy ups and downs, but maybe, just maybe...we can do this.

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