My WH and I have been in IC for 2 months and MC for a month. WH has had some bumps in his support of me, but not many - I feel like he is trying really hard and I see it every day. I am shocked, frankly, because I didn't think he would maintain the effort that he has. I notice that very gradually and organically, our discussions have begun to move from only being about the affair, to our marriage and strategies to make things better between us. I have begun to feel like maybe, just maybe, I really can commit to trying to R. I haven't said that to WH yet, but - I feel hopeful. I feel like things have changed.
Is this a gradual growing into R? For you, was getting to the point of actively working towards R a definite event of it's own, a decision, or did you find you were gradually starting to experience efforts to R without a sudden decision point?
Thanks in advance for any light you can shed for me.
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
I think you can 'slip into R', if you see consistent R behavior from your WS. After all, you M your WS for some good reasons, but those reasons are terribly insufficient on D-Day. If you see your WS become honest, transparent, and supportive after D-Day, R can look like the better choice.
(Personally, I wanted R from the start, but I refused to open myself to the pain of a false R. I watched my W for 90 days, saw remorse and consistent R behavior, and then committed to R myself.)
You're doing great. Keep breathing and taking care of yourself.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:56 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]
Wondertwin, I am glad to hear that the beginning of R happened similarly for you. I hope for R but was not sure I would be able to even try, after such a betrayal. Now I feel like there is a chance.
sisoon- I will search that book and try to find the "working on the marriage but not yet in R" section you referenced. Thank you for your insight.
Jrazz- slow and steady, that's me in general. Also, I just could not see how to make a decision to R, without that inner feeling of possibility; I wondered if it would ever come, and I am glad to have it, even if it's only a tiny flicker at this point.
I know there will still be crazy ups and downs, but maybe, just maybe...we can do this.