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I have the revenge affair set up for tomorrow. Talk me down?

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Shelz posted 11/8/2013 22:49 PM

So, I lurk here a lot. Posted twice. Here's my latest post:

We went on the vacation and enjoyed the break, no sex. We've had sex but only a handful of times and I've been drunk enough to do it. I can't do it sober.

Our marriage is just there, dying slowly. Money is why I can't leave yet.

So I met a guy while out with my friends and we've exchanged numbers. Texting. I lied and said I was in a open relationship because he cheated. Now I've agreed to meet up with him tomorrow, alone.

I want to go but it's not right. I can't do this. I can't be this person but that part of me wants to see this guy and feel what I'm missing in my marriage. Why am I so pathetic? I'm lying like my WS lied. I used to never lie and now I do. I've become him in my own misery. Thanks for listening. I am going to cancel my date tomorrow after reading what I have just written.

I'm not me anymore.

karmahappens posted 11/8/2013 22:59 PM

I got this from your profile

I am so happy being in my own oasis, inside me, that I have cultivated for myself. I really love and know myself more than I ever have in my life. It's truly freeing.

I think rather than thinking about having a RA you should concentrate more on you and healing you.

Adding another A into this mix just makes things dirtier.

Respect yourself enough to not do something you know is wrong. The guilt and pain you will bring on will make this road so much harder to navigate.

Take care of you.

Shelz posted 11/8/2013 23:05 PM

Thank you karmahappens.

God I've been so lost lately it's not even funny. I've been drinking way to much. I've lost myself. I'm not treating myself good. I have stopped doing yoga and stopped meditating. I've just let my oasis slide into the sea. I need to get that back.

Nature_Girl posted 11/8/2013 23:11 PM

I hope you make good on your words and cancel becoming a cheater. You'll never forgive yourself.

PolyGal posted 11/8/2013 23:17 PM

If any part of you wants R, then it is probably a bad idea to meet up with this guy. Also if you have any respect for this guy even though you just met him, you'll be hurting him by lying to him about the nature of your marriage.

If you're doing it for revenge, you'll only be hurting yourself and making a complicated situation worse.

If you're doing it to convince yourself you're physically desirable and able to attract a partner, you are. It's really easy to get laid. When I was fully separated I learned this pretty quick, haha. But... I was fully separated, we weren't working on R. When the jury was still out, I was intentionally celibate. When we started "dating" each other again, we went by a few new rules (which still allowed for other partners; we were "open" before we separated as well).

Long story short, if you do this, you're not just hurting your WH, you're also making your life more complicated, hurting yourself, and hurting the new guy who will basically become a victim to your marriage drama. If you and your WH did have an open relationship, this would of course be different, but you don't. So don't do it.

Also you should tell your WH about what (almost) happened, in my opinion, if you're interested at all in R.

karmahappens posted 11/8/2013 23:20 PM

So you said you went on vacation. What does your husband think is happening during this time? Does he think you are in R?

What are you doing for you? Drinking, going out with the girls, is not good. Not in the state of mind you are in.

Going with the girls to a movie, a mani-pedi, shopping, coffee...ok. The partying and allowing yourself to become someone you hate is self destructive, self abusive behavior.

You are better than that, you know you are. Start taking little steps to reclaiming yourself. you can do this. You can become the Shelz you are supposed to be. Just love yourself a little more.

Right now you are allowing his A and the state of your marriage to determine your worth, knock that shit off.


Shelz posted 11/8/2013 23:48 PM

I've told him I don't love him. We've discussed the opening of our relationship and he has said yes to it but it was a drunk conversation. I don't trust him - I think he is just agreeing with me because he doesn't want to lose me. I don't love him, I can't get over the lies. (And here I am a damn f#cking liar!)

I'm going to be honest with WH tomorrow. And tell him about these intentions and conversations with others I have been having. I need to truth to set me free otherwise I will forever be chained to these lies.

I texted the guy I planned to see tomorrow and explained to him that I can't do it. He's trying to get me to still come but I have been firm. I told him maybe when things are over we can but honestly, someone who is willing to see me like this probably isn't a guy worth seeing anyway. I do deserve better and I love me, I need to treat me better. I don't need some dude!!! Ugh what was I thinking.

I can't chicken out on telling my WH the truth tomorrow. I need to rip the bandaid off. I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I can't keep lying. I can't keep lying.

hopefulmother posted 11/9/2013 00:04 AM

I get where you are coming know you are worth it. You know you are beautiful inside and out. You know you can still turn heads. You just want your husband to feel the lust he felt for the "other" women for you. You just want to show him, that you too are a desirable women to be lusted after.

I haven't been on here in a long time. 14months in R and things are going well. I still trigger and this is one of those nights. I was just up till 1am talking to my hubby about the same thing.

I wanted to be lusted after. I want someone to feel about me the way he felt about the "other" women for those two months. Even after 14months and all the desire and love he shows...I still feel as if I was insignificant to him compared to her.

Don't spiral down that path. It probably will not make you feel better. It will just make you feel cheap. Like the "other" women must feel. Easy...we are the better ones. The ones that can have integrity and matter what. Having a RA may make things worse. It really doesn't matter...because no matter is just a band aide.

But I get how it sometimes doesn't matter how we feel about ourselves or how other people feel about just matters how our spouse feels. (of course at this stage we have no reason to believe how our spouses feel about us...even if they tell us we are their world)

Unagie posted 11/9/2013 02:10 AM

When I cheated...I was drinking heavily, I hated myself, I was depressed and angry and in misery. Want to know what cheating did for me? It made me more depressed, more miserable, more angry and I absolutely abhorred myself. I would hit myself in the head, I starved myself, pulled my hair, wouldn't shower for days, scratched my arms, neck until they welted. I wanted to be as ugly outside as I felt inside. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train and almost did. I wanted to throw myself in front of traffic, so I went walking along the side of a freeway next to a cemetary, super early, super dark outside in the middle of a rainstorm. I was hoping someone would attack me and take care of the job for me. I sat with a bottle of pills and with a boxcutter. Once I got past that part I still hated myself, if I'm honest there are moments I still do.

I'm telling you all this to tell you that as badly as you feel, you will feel worse. His A's destroyed my world, the life we were rebuilding. My A's utterly destroyed me and who I was and thought myself to be. Over a year later, I still mourn her, she was pretty great before I sullied her.

Please work on healing yourself. Having an A, lying, cheating, hiding it destroys you, destroys your soul and who you are. Don't do it to yourself. Please.

karmahappens posted 11/9/2013 02:18 AM

I can't chicken out on telling my WH the truth tomorrow. I need to rip the bandaid off. I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I can't keep lying. I can't keep lying.

Good luck tomorrow, we are here for support.


sullymeishadomi posted 11/9/2013 05:53 AM

This has been covered in the replies, but...

Why do you want to? Your self esteem took a huge hit. You want to feel worthy, attractive, somebody wants you. I could tell you some stories about that first yr of his whorefest.

Why you shouldnt?
This guy knows you are a spouse who has been cheated on. You're easy pickings. I met a male like that...I foolishly thought we were friends. He wrongly thought I was desperate for a poa/a desperate poa.

He knows youre married and doesnt care. Plane disrespect from him.

You would be disreapecting yourself.

You wouldnt feel like you had a leg to stand on in this mess. Tho your wh cheated first, he would turn it on you. He may even accuse you of cheating the whole time and thats why he cheated.

You have to pull inward and get validation of your worth from the most important person: yourself.

No sex? There are safer ways to handle that one.

refuz2bavictim posted 11/9/2013 06:48 AM

someone who is willing to see me like this probably isn't a guy worth seeing anyway.

I think you are doing a fabulous job talking yourself out of a really bad decision and asking for support to stay the course.

I do deserve better and I love me, I need to treat me better.

Wishing you courage for you conversation with WH and a happy return to your oasis.

Merlin posted 11/9/2013 07:00 AM

After what you have been through, why would you treat yourself or another human being this way?

StormyPrincess posted 11/9/2013 07:24 AM

Just say no. Please don't do this to your self. You are far too valuable and beautiful a person to allow this to happen. Just come on here and "talk" to us instead. I don't think that will get you anywhere at all. Might make you feel really good for a brief moment but then it will all come crashing down again. Don't have another d-day. Go shopping or do some fun activity instead. Have we all talked you down yet?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/9/2013 07:32 AM

You will feel badly if its any sort of betrayal, however, theres some schools of thought that i do sort of agree with that if you file divorce or separation papers, game on. If H thinks you are R then i would not.

Shelz posted 11/9/2013 09:57 AM

I told WH the truth this morning and I feel so so much better. The weight off my chest is more amazing than I thought it would be.

Thank you to each of you that posted and helped me through this -- I truly am so thankful.

I don't love him and he knows it. And we need to figure out what to do.

Stillstings posted 11/9/2013 11:48 AM

I feel like you ran down the slippery slope. Texting another man while lying about your relationship status? Completely inappropriate. You need to figure out why you allowed yourself to go that far as well as why you're choosing to stay in a relationship that is doing nothing for you.

Getting to Happy posted 11/9/2013 13:18 PM


I'm glad you did not go through with the meetup.

There is nowhere to go from here but UP!

Take care my dear.

PolyGal posted 11/9/2013 17:38 PM

Hugs for you, and good work, and more hugs! Yes there is more stuff to sort out still but you didn't make it worse. Good on you for being honest with your WH, you made a mistake while looking to make a bigger mistake but you kept it from getting worse. If you feel like this again, remember how good it felt to not go down that road. Moving forward and determining the next steps will still suck but not as bad as it would have.

Stillstings posted 11/9/2013 22:56 PM

Can someone tell me why this OP is being given hugs and cuddles? They showed so much wayward behavior. They sought out an affair partner and made obvious inappropriate messages. YAY! They came here for support to stop from making thing physical. Sorry but this is an EA from my view.

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