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I hate what you stole from me

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painandgrief posted 11/8/2013 23:17 PM

I've been pretty angry lately running a list in my head of the things that my WH's affair 7 months ago stole from me. I realized that this anger was starting to consume me and I figured out that I cannot give him any more power to ruin more of my life. So thank you in advance to any of you who take the time to read this. I'm in tears as I write this. I feel so lonely and sad. It's awful.

We're in IC and MC and all it seems like I hear at MC is what he can't do. He can't handle any more pressure besides the financial burden we are under, 1 child heading off to college next year and seeing now all the time he missed spending with his kids.

The longer this drags on, with all the excuse making and avoidance, the less interested I am in trying to make this work. Besides anger, I'm starting to feel like this just isn't worth it. When I try to look at what their is to save I come up with the stable home for our DD and our DS. I'm getting nothing out of this. No companionship, no affection, to comforting. It's a lonely and isolating place to be and I just don't see why I should stay in it.

First a little background: the bitch lives 1/2 way around the world in a place that he travels for business. After meeting her on a business trip, they carried on some form of text and skype communications while I was at work. This went on for a month before his next trip there. He spent a week with her and came back all guilty and suspicious and within 2 weeks had confessed to a PA. Once I knew he had slept with her, obviously we had to be tested for STD's. Now he claimed that wasn't necessary, which was his way of saying he used a condom, but my retort was that if he perform oral on her, who knows what he got. Crickets. Soooo, that's how I knew he did that.

Here's the list of what he stole from me. Any ideas on how to overcome them?

1) I get to deal with the humiliation of being tested for a variety of STD's. It was 2 different times I had to tell strangers that my husband cheated on me, once to my primary doctor and once to my GYN.

2) My stress and anxiety in the beginning was intense. Within a short period of time, I had to go on anti-depressants. I'm still on them which is a good damn thing, as some days, the tears are right there, ready to flow. I recently had surgery and when recounting my medication list, I had to say I was on them. If you knew me, you would know that I have the reputation for being one of the happiest and most upbeat people in the world. That joyfulness is gone, stolen because he didn't keep his dick in his pants.

3) Our wedding rings. They mean absolutely nothing right now. I found out that he took them off when he spent the week with the concubine. He presented himself in a work situation as married one trip, unmarried the next and back to married again. Damn near every time I look down at them, I want to cry. If we didn't have very astute teenage kids, mine would be off my finger right now.

4) Our anniversary. He was actually surprised that I didn't want to "celebrate it" 6 short months after he screwed another woman. Really, are you that much of a fucking moron?

5) The fact that I got our children vaccinated for HPV BECAUSE OF HIM and his actions. I had previously been on the fence before about the vaccine, but his betrayal made me realize immediately that if he cheated, I realized that others could be capable of doing the same.

6) My trust.

7) My happiness and joy. I only get happiness and joy from my relationship with my kids. They are the only bright light in my life right now.

8) Our sex life. Damn near every morning when he takes a shower, I wonder if he showered with her. Or if he made love to her both morning before work or only at night. I am tormented with imagining that the things I thought he did with ONLY me for the last 25 years were shared with her.

9) A sense of honesty. When I go back through the week he was with her, I can think back to the excuses used for why he didn't call or text. His phone died, he got in really late from dinner. blah, blah, blah.

There was a great post the other day about forgiveness. I forget who had the great comment about accepting that everything is different and it will never be the same again. The problem is what we have now sucks. The longer this drags on without any path forward, the less I give a shit.

Last MC I talked out how lonely I was. There was no conversation after the session, no attempt to hold or comfort me, nothing. Jeez, thanks for listening! Thanks for caring!

What am I doing for me? Unfortunately, work is extremely busy with 9-10 hour days and I'm nursing a bum ankle so no exercise on my schedule anytime soon.

Sorry this was so long. 10 points for you if you made it all the way to the end!!! Any wisdom would really be appreciated. I haven't posted much, but I'm here almost daily trying to come to terms with the bomb that blew up my world.

meplusfour posted 11/9/2013 00:05 AM


You truly do not deserve to be here. I just wanted you to know that you had been heard and I will be sending you good thoughts tonight.

karmahappens posted 11/9/2013 01:10 AM

Hi PandG

Sorry you are here. It sucks, and at 7 months out with anger kicking in it is a difficult place to be in.

IMO, if your husband isn't getting it I would attend the next MC meeting and let your husband and MC know that going forward you will be continuing with IC only and expect your husband to do the same.

I would also bring this with you, let him know that his lack luster efforts have made you decide to begin your healing separate from him and the direction he takes his IC/healing/dealing with his mess will help you decide which direction you want your life to go in. That right now you are willing to work separately to create 2 healthy people and if you start to see results you may then decide to give him the gift of R.

MC is not where you belong yet. You cannot get to a good place in your M to start on real R until your husband gets it (and thats only if you decide you want to offer that gift, at 7 months the jury is usually still out)

He can't handle any more pressure besides the financial burden we are under, 1 child heading off to college next year and seeing now all the time he missed spending with his kids.

^^ this should be addressed with his IC, his feeling like a failure because he didn't spend enough time with his kids = IC

His inablity to be open and caring with you = IC

His reasons for giving himself the ok to screw the bitch from 1/2 way around the world = IC

He has work to do. He needs to fix himself and put in the time and effort to make things right.

He needs to tune into your needs, I would start by making it a requirement for him to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

It's about getting you through this roller coaster. Getting you down a path where you will know if R or S/D is your answer. It doesn't just come automatically.

You want to start living again. Continue with your IC and work through your pain. Go in and face the hurt, rage and anger. Start making a plan for your life while he does the work he needs to do. If he gets it and his work begins to show you can incorporate MC into your schedule. When he is working his ass off, making things right (or not) and you have a plan for your life. you know your rights, you are comfortable enough knowing you can do this without him, you are enough, then the way you have to go becomes more clear. You will be deciding your future not from an angry place or hurt place, but a place where you know the decision is made with your best interest in mind. A healthier, emotionally secure place.

Your points 1-9, yes, you are right, these things were stolen from you and he needs to learn how to own this.

Your anger is completely normal. Feeling it and working through it are important pieces to heal through this. So sit with it and let the feelings come. The more time that passes the less intense the anger will be.

(((hugs))) I understand your pain and know you will find peace.

inca posted 11/9/2013 09:12 AM

Hi pandg,

I am sorry you are here. At 7 mths out I was still in serious PTSS too. I could barely function. I was obsessive with details and feeling I was living in a parallel universe. I could have written your post, angry and sad about all the things I lost and especially about having been a previously happy person.

What you are feeling is totally normal, but I want you to know it DOES GET BETTER.

I agree with everything Karma says. IC is key for your WS.

I have a question for you, is your WS articulate about his emotions? The reason I ask is the way you describe your WS not responding to you after your last MC session is my WS exactly. We finally stopped MC - 18 months later and started IC - because of that and other reasons. I am waiting for him to get it. I think part of the reason he doesn't is because (1) he has very little emotional intelligence (2) he is afraid of my anger and does not know how to manage it - maybe he thinks it is better to stay silent, hope it will pass etc. I don't know, but I know that I feel like you, that I need things from him and he seems incapable of giving it.

Don't mean to t/j, just know that there is a process for both WS and BS to get past this and at 7 mths out, neither of you are there. Where you will be eventually is unknown. As I have told my MC and IC, I am waiting to see who shows up in this M. Give yourself time to heal, and focus on yourself. Thinking about the things that have changed and have been stolen from you - like happiness - are totally normal and part of your process of grieving. Hugs to you!

painandgrief posted 11/9/2013 12:34 PM

Thank you all for your support.

Unfortunately I knew you guys would "get it" because you have been through it too. It helps to know that the intense feeling and rage are normal. So many times you feel so very alone and then you get on here and your eyes fill with tears because there are a group of amazing people willing to help someone they've never met.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

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