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Feeling Sad Tonight

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NewMom0220 posted 11/9/2013 01:00 AM

Don't know why I'm feeling this way, maybe things are starting to settle down and the high tension of the last few months is starting to dissipate. I'm just feeling sad about losing my husband, someone I thought was my BFF the last 9 years, someone who I thought loved me unconditionally...just sad that he didn't even TRY to make it work. I was willing to try and reconcile, and he never tried. Just feeling low and wondering why I wasn't worth it? How could he walk away from us? Is he happy now? Does he ever miss me? Is he ever sorry or regret any of it? He filed for divorce and had he not done that I'd probably still be waiting on him.

I know he sucks and he's not worth it and he did me a big favor...it just hurts tonight that I never got a real I'm sorry. It hurts that he didn't ask me to let him come home. It hurts that he has said "I left you, not my son." It hurts that we never got an opportunity to be a family. Never got to wake up together with the baby and hear him talking or have him crawl all over us on the bed.

If I said any of this to my family or friends they wouldn't understand. They would say, "he's a loser, why do you care?" I'm just feeling low tonight and I miss my husband. He IS a loser, but I miss the man I married. I don't know if it would be easier or harder for me if I knew he was hurting in some way...but I wish I had that to get some kind of closure.

Thanks for listening.

Nature_Girl posted 11/9/2013 01:14 AM

I understand, Hon. (((HUGS)))

You need to grieve & mourn the death of those particular dreams. You're right, they're never going to happen. Give yourself permission to sort through those dreams & say goodbye to them.

careerlady posted 11/9/2013 01:17 AM

(((Newmom)))

I'm right there with you. I'm feeling sad that sex and conversation with someone he barely knows was worth ripping my heart and our family apart and that my dreams of how I would raise my son will never come to be because of his choices

It's so hard to accept that the man you loved is gone or maybe he never really existed in the first place, that those special times and talks ring a little false now. You have every right to grieve for the man you thought you married and the rejection you've experienced and don't let anyone deny you that right.

But know that this is your first days in your journey towards an authentically good life, and that you will likely meet an authentically good man who will be unable to fathom the bone-headed decisions your husband made that set you free

Phoenix1 posted 11/9/2013 01:26 AM

((New mom))

The tragic death of a marriage is no different from the actual death of a loved one. You want closure. I get it, and I would love closure as well. The reality is that you won't get a clean closure. The jerks won't give it to us. I stopped looking for it because I know it won't happen. We can only trudge forward with what we have. It hurts, and it is painful. But trudge forward we must for our own well being.

SBB posted 11/9/2013 02:36 AM

I'm still mourning the man I thought I married. It feels weird because he never really existed. I decided to surrender to it a while ago because fighting it was just making it worse.

For some reason I had was melancholy last week - a few of those weepy afternoons and I don't understand where it came from or what triggered it.

This pain is different to the pain I was in during that M, False R and the months afterwards. This pain doesn't feel toxic - it feels..... healthy?

I'm grieving too. I also can't share this that much IRL because I get FTG - you're so much better without him. It is true but it doesn't mean I don't need to grieve it.

Please know you're not alone.

jemimapd posted 11/9/2013 06:26 AM

It's so hard to accept that the man you loved is gone or maybe he never really existed in the first place, that those special times and talks ring a little false now. You have every right to grieve for the man you thought you married and the rejection you've experienced and don't let anyone deny you that right.

It is very hard. I don't know if mine was ever faithful. I feel much of what I thought was true and good was in fact a lie. It is about so much more than a divorce; it is the erasing of most of my life for the last ten years.

NewMom0220 posted 11/9/2013 08:52 AM

I just finished my daily morning 4 mile walk. It helps me clear my head and I feel like I have a healthy expression for all this pent up stuff. Sometimes I take the baby, but today I wanted to walk and jog faster.

Thank you all for sharing your feelings too. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. I hate that I have any feelings left for this guy. I wish I didn't care about how he feels or what he's doing.

I know from reading this site that I'm not the only one who goes through these experiences. I'm not the only one left to pick up the pieces or has been left without closure. I also know it's not gender specific and there are just as many women as men leaving their families and atomic bomb destroying their relationships.

You are right SBB, it's a different kind of pain. And no matter what I'm glad that he doesn't get to see or hear about these moments anymore. They pass. And even though he left me, I'm that in some small way NC leaves him without access to me and my emotions. My NC is one small way I left him...twisting in the wind. He can't hurt me anymore and I'll learn to heal the old hurts on my own.

Nature_Girl posted 11/9/2013 09:55 AM

You are right SBB, it's a different kind of pain. And no matter what I'm glad that he doesn't get to see or hear about these moments anymore. They pass. And even though he left me, I'm that in some small way NC leaves him without access to me and my emotions. My NC is one small way I left him...twisting in the wind. He can't hurt me anymore and I'll learn to heal the old hurts on my own.

This is full of clarity & hope. Hold on to this. It's wonderful.

ruinedandbroken posted 11/9/2013 10:02 AM

"I left you, not my son."

Mine said the same thing. It sounds like our stories are similar. I could have written your post word for word. I know the feeling. You logical mind knows what a loser he is, but your heart is shattered and has you questioning your own worth. Your heart will catch up to you mind. It just takes time.

((NewMom))

ruinedandbroken posted 11/9/2013 10:02 AM

"I left you, not my son."

Mine said the same thing. It sounds like our stories are similar. I could have written your post word for word. I know the feeling. You logical mind knows what a loser he is, but your heart is shattered and has you questioning your own worth. Your heart will catch up to you mind. It just takes time.

((NewMom))

SBB posted 11/9/2013 22:02 PM

in some small way NC leaves him without access to me and my emotions.

It isn't small - it shuts the door completely. This is the part where we choose to continue in their crazy dance or not. NC is us choosing to step away and dance to a completely different song - our own.

I'm dancing right along with you mamma.

thisisterrible posted 11/9/2013 22:19 PM

Our stories sound very similiar. My STBXH left for the OW when our second child was only 4 months old. I wanted to reconcile; he 'just wanted to be happy' and reconciliation never crossed his mind. It's been four years since he left, and now I wonder if he was just pretending to be a happy family guy the whole time we were together. I mean, I'd like to believe he changed into a fucking jerk once he met the OW and was influenced by her, but now I question whether or not he was putting on an act the entire 17 years we were dating/married. He lied so well during and after the affair, that maybe he was lying the whole time we were married. Who knows?

"I left you, not my son."

This is part of the WS handbook. It's absolutely, positively, 100% bullshit. When the WS walks out the door, they're leaving their spouse AND THEIR KIDS. It's a package deal once you have children; there's no just leaving the spouse. Same thing applies to the cheating - they're cheating on their kids EVERY BIT AS MUCH as they're cheating on their spouse. Every time I think about my STBXH saying to me "I left you, not the kids" it makes me shake with anger .

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