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The anger stage

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Nest2007 posted 11/9/2013 07:15 AM

We're five months out from DDay today, and I think I'm just now hitting the anger stage. We're in R and its been going great. But I'm starting to feel furious that he's put me in this position, changed who I am, who we are, forever.

What does/did the anger stage look like for you? Any tips on how to cope? Coping while in R?

painfulpast posted 11/9/2013 07:56 AM

Yeah, when the dust settles and you start realizing it isn't just a bad dream that will eventually end, the anger moves in.

For me, the sadness and confusion lifted and I was left with rage. I had been angry since day 1, but it was mixed with so much. Then I buried it trying to find out why, learn about affairs, discover more truths, etc. As these questions stopped burning a hole in my brain (I still had them, but they weren't so crazy-making) the anger I had seemed to be the last man standing, and I had to deal with it. My fWH had to deal with it.

I don't have any advice for dealing with it. You just have to go thru it, like every other stage. You learn to hold your tongue, because if you let out every angry thought you had, you'd do nothing but spray hatred all over your WS for months.

I was told by a therapist that anger is a secondary emotion - that it's a mask to protect you. Afraid? Get angry so you don't feel fear. Embarrassed? Get angry so you don't feel ashamed. Sad? Get angry so you don't wallow in misery. You get the idea. Trying to decipher what you're covering up helps. It won't stop the anger, but it will help you see what is driving it and you can focus on that.

Starzjourney posted 11/9/2013 12:52 PM

Painful Past...

I was told by a therapist that anger is a secondary emotion - that it's a mask to protect you. Afraid? Get angry so you don't feel fear. Embarrassed? Get angry so you don't feel ashamed. Sad? Get angry so you don't wallow in misery. You get the idea. Trying to decipher what you're covering up helps. It won't stop the anger, but it will help you see what is driving it and you can focus on that.

Thank you for posting this...I have been wandering myself lately if my anger is really a front for fear, humiliation, etc...

eachdayisvictory posted 11/9/2013 13:00 PM

I would just add to take care of yourself and plan your conversations with your WS during these feelings.

I thought I could handle anything after the shit I had lived through, but when I asked some questions that were really hard after not mentioning the whore for a while, the day we did I lost it. I physically abused my H and got in his face and told him he was disgusting sitting next to his wife and talking about that horrible whore.

The next time, we talked about the fact that I was still feeling anger, and had a plan in place to release it. Sounds hippy, but worked really well. I got the rage again, and left the room, took a sledgehammer in the driveway and smashed up a pre-selected old toy of our sons to smithereens.

Felt like flying. I actually smiled after.

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