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Newest Member: Itali614 (61544)

User Topic: does anyone feel connected to the OW?
♀ 41267
Member # 41267
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be a weird question or it might be something other people feel too. I'm new to this (1 month since DDay)so I'm just curious.

My WH had a two month long affair with OW. She knew we were married as we know people in common. And she even knew I am pregnant! I contacted her after I found out and asked for her side of the story. She was very apologetic and told me that WH had told her that he was separated from me and in the process of divorcing me (which was a lie). I think If she had given it some thought it should have been very obvious that WH and I were not separated. But anyway, I've had a few conversations with her (text and email) and we've been really nice to each other. she answered any questions I had about the affair and tried to tell me that this was not something she would have willingly done and that she is really a good person and very sorry etc.

I discussed some of this with WH and he said that he had told OW that he was dissatisfied with his marriage but that she knew we had not yet separated and that she didn't care. Obviously he doesn't want me talking to her.

I'm pretty sure that OW had since gotten back with her ex boyfriend and she doesn't seem the slightest bit interested in WH anymore.

Am I being naive in listening to her. In a way I feel this weird connection with her and I find myself thinking about her all the time (sometimes negatively but often I even imagine her as a friend) Am I totally crazy???

Me BS 29
Him WH 28
Married 3 yrs (together 4)
baby together born feb 2014
D-Day: 5 Oct 2013 (while pregnant)
Attempted Reconciliation
Seperated 30 Nov 2014

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - you are crazy. She's already lied to you about one thing you know for sure and that is she knew you and WS weren't separated.....there is probably a boat load of stuff she has lied to you about. What would you expect her to say - she is on the defensive and it sure looks like she almost has an ally in you.
Don't mean to be so hard on you but, SHE WAS THE OW. She is definitely NOT YOUR FRIEND. IMHO

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW will have no problem lying to you. I would believe your H. She may have no interest in your H, but she has every interest in making herself out to be a victim that was lied to instead of a woman willing to sleep with a pregnant woman's husband.

Stay away from her. She has nothing to offer you and will lie to you without thought to make herself seem better, and those lies will hurt your chances at R.

I would tell her boyfriend, even if they weren't together. At least you'll have another pair of eyes watching to see if they are in contact.

Remember, if she will sleep with a married man, she will continue the relationship underground.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 41267
Member # 41267
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've considered the possibility that she's lying to me... And I think she probably knew a lot more that she is suggesting. But WH probably has more reason to lie.

I think the truth probably falls somewhere in the middle. Like she suspected we were together and just didn't ask because she was enjoying the attention and it was a nice distraction from her own problems. And WH probably gave her the impression that we were separated because its not very sexy to talk about your wife and baby with your lover.

Don't worry I'm not actually considering being friends with OW. Just wondering why I have these feelings towards her.

Me BS 29
Him WH 28
Married 3 yrs (together 4)
baby together born feb 2014
D-Day: 5 Oct 2013 (while pregnant)
Attempted Reconciliation
Seperated 30 Nov 2014

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like she is finding out what you know and how much. Her first alliegiemce is not to you.
You want to believe her, I am sure but don't .

BS: Me (65yo)FWH: HIM (67yo)) serial infidelities over past 35 years
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2013

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

xOw1 was a friend of mine. I saw red flags in her behavior, I saw her crushing on MrH and flirting. I just trusted him.

When I called her 7 1/2 years later to get the truth of the "EA" I purposely asked some questions I knew the answer to. Questions about things I witnessed.

She was friendly. Surprised to hear from me, but wanted to help me find answers. Right. She lied. Oh, she told the truth about it actually being a PA, but pretty much the rest of it was filled with lies. Whatever it took to make her look better. Some I knew were lies because of the baseline questions I chose. Others because MrH confessed to truths that were worse than what xOw1 had told me. For instance, she said they used condoms. They didn't.

If she lied nearly 8yrs out and didn't have a BS for me to call to inform, then my guess is the OW in your case is likely lying to twist the story. If she has a BBF she might want to get back with, she has all the more reason to lie.

This person knew about you, knew about your pregnancy and still didn't care. She's not your friend. The only thing she has in common with you is having sex with your WH. I don't know about you, but I don't make a habit of girl talk with my H's ex-sex partners. I don't mistake them as my friend and certainly wouldn't mistake an OW for a friend.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also stayed in contact with the OW for a while after DDay- it was because I wanted to pump as much useful info out of her a possible (most of which proved to be made up fantasy style BS once the whole truth came out!)

Anyway-I also felt a connection initially! I soon realised this was a sort of protection mechanism...

what I thought back then was a connection was, in reality, a way to make her feel some connection to me in order that I could make sure she wasn't going to go back to FWH and to give her a few home truths about her 'relatonship' (she told me he was in love with her... I was able to tell her he thought she was just a fuck hole . She told me he was going to D me... I told her he was just stringing her along so she would continue to be a fuckhole! She told me his work colleagues all knew about her and that their relationship was 'open and honest'- I told her that I had asked around and not one person had ever been anywhere where he paraded her at all let alone as his gf)

We stayed in contact stating we would help each other get over this asswipe.... yet I was making sure I filled her gaps in with some solid truth and I got serious pleasure in learning more and more about the dynamics of their relationship. She was one seriously messed up woman...

She told me fantasy and lies to make it sound more romantic than it actually was and after a few weeks she realised he had used her and it literally broke her- after that I had no reason to contact her ever again.

Would I do it again? Hell yes- I learned so much about their time together.

But the main reason I would do it again would be because I was instrumental in watching her breakdown and lose everything she felt she deserved!

My FWH told me she wasn't my friend and to not treat her as such- wise words as I found out afterwards she was still referring to me as the slut!! (How can the wife be the slut? Oh yes- because she has the man you want ) No matter- I was using her totally and was calling her more names than that each time she contacted me!

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2009
♂ 39357
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your attitude towards ow may actually be Stockholm Syndrome - when a victim of abuse identifies with the abuser and even tries to protect him/her. Infidelity is definitely a form of abuse. She was a co-conspirator in the abuse your wh impressed upon you. Do not protect her, attempt to rationalize her behavior, or make excuses for her. Even if your wh DID tell her what she claims he told her, she KNEW that you were pregnant with his child and that a divorce was not yet final which means there was still the possibility for you and your husband to work on your marriage for the sake of your unborn child. She chose to take his time and attention away from that and that makes her not a very nice - or credible - person.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 23266
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a related note, I feel connected with the OW in that we all fell for WH's lies and manipulations. He portrayed himself to OW as the long suffering put upon and unappreciated husband. In response, OW saw themselves as his rescuer, just doing their civic duty I suppose.

Me? I fell for the false R. He was just a common cake eater.

So yes, I feel connected in that OW and I believed what we wanted to believe, instead of what was right before our eyes.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she answered any questions I had about the affair and tried to tell me that this was not something she would have willingly done and that she is really a good person and very sorry etc.

Are you kidding me? Not willingly done? Willingly done? Did he threaten her? Of course she willingly did him. She may think she is a good person but her thinking is warped, just as all WS and AP. I will never understand any one in this day of media and Internet not knowing if their AP is married or not. They do not care. In the A they make me first decisions, screw the wife and family.

The only connection I have to OW is my H's dick. And that is sad and makes me sick.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3454 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Topic Posts: 10

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