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WS...are just plain selfish

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hopefulmother posted 11/9/2013 10:06 AM

How is it that we are with someone for so many years and never noticed how selfish our WS was? In my case, best friends for 20yrs...together as a couple for 13 and married 9 yrs now.

I am left wondering if he was always that way or if he just became that way when things got hard for him? Is that just part of his horrible coping skills?

In our case we were in a rut. Moved away from all our friends and family with a 1-yr old and a 3-yr old. No support group and I was too engulfed in being a new mother. No time for time for even myself. I gave up my career and volunteer work. Totally isolated. He too was depressed with our isolation.

I gave so much of myself. For our family...for my sister (traveled to help watch her children). Did all the things a housewife does. Till I became depressed and overwhelmed. Empty...he took and took. Never gave back. When I had nothing left to give after 13yrs...he went looking for someone else to give to him. (Someone who was fun, carefree, and not depressed)

How could he not see that the "other" women was broken too? She went after a married man. She smiled and flirted with his children and wife and went after a married man. She said she was bored...her boyfriend(very long-term)started a new job. She goes after a lot of men. She needed to be boosted up all the time with the attention of men. No self-confidence. Constantly needed to be validated he said. Why do men find these type of women attractive? Why does it matter if she wasn't depressed to him (duh...she had to be to chase after all sorts of men and abandon her daughter at home with her boyfriend to chase married men) Fuck...I would be carefree too if I was constantly lifted up by other men and had my support group as well as a married man's attention.

I would be fun too if I abandoned my children with my husband and went out partying till 4am with married men. I would fun too if I flirted and teased other men when I was married.

That type of women is not good enough to marry, but is sure as Hell is good enough for them to be selfish with and destroy us with.

So selfish...take...take...till we have nothing left to give and are not so fun anymore...then replace with another (who is more broken and worse than us-but they don't see that).

Makes me want to go out and have my own A. Then maybe, I too will be just as fun and carefree as the "other" women.

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/9/2013 12:37 PM

I understand what you are saying. The whole situation is FUBAR.

Although I am a man, my situation was reversed. I nurtured our young children. My wife had the A.

So, I understand. My assessment is this.

Your H and you are very different people.

You value family. You value being married. You commit yourself to your children. You are comforted when your family is together, even though nothing "exciting" is going on. You gain strength from a happy, growing family.

He enjoys the good parts of the family, but doesn't give during the hard parts. Likes being married, until there's something he doesn't like. Misses the excitement of being single. Is depleted by the responsibilities of the family. He seizes an opportunity to have sex outside the marriage, with less concern than a teenager kissing someone other than the present they are going steady with.

So, yes, he's selfish. But, I think it's much more than that. I believe he values marriage and family less, selfishness aside.

I will NEVERN.EVER, understand how someone can casually have a marriage-ending affair, followed by a complete lack of gut wrenching remorse, when they have a 2 year old and a 4 year old at home, not to mention a loving spouse.

Marriage vows are short, but they are powerful. Sickness and Health. Better of worse. Forsaking all others.

Makes me want to go out and have my own A. Then maybe, I too will be just as fun and carefree as the "other" women.

So, he has dealt you a hand which contains a bunch of shit, but at least it contains your self respect. You have done nothing wrong. He has. Whatever you do, don't throw away your self respect card by having an A on your own. It wouldn't hurt him, in any case. It would just validate what he did. It's natural to think about it, but when you think it through, it wouldn't do anything constructive. The opposite is true.

He had better be begging with every ounce of his soul for you to give him another chance. If not, I'd drop him like a hot rock.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/9/2013 12:44 PM

amen nomistake, ridiculous behaviour. Even as I have come to understand the small psychological steps my H took and the justifications that comforted him and stopped the immoral alarms from killing him, I truly believe I never would have committed adultery.

Once, at a party without my H, I spent some time talking to a friend's brother because he didn't know any of us. When we found ourselves alone, he surprised me by taking my hand and telling me how wise and beautiful I was. My head spun for a moment because it was unexpected. Then I laughed a little, stood up and told him I was going back inside. He asked why, and I, no exaggeration here, said; because that's what I hope my H would do. And I left.

My H says that it was because I wasn't attracted to him, which I wasn't, but that flattery trumped any attraction for me, and I resisted something that I had thought about on occasion during our incredibly shitty experience of becoming new parents.

I am smarter than that, and that gives me pause about our ability to R sometimes.

Fuck this shit is sad.

[This message edited by eachdayisvictory at 12:45 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Saleschick posted 11/9/2013 13:05 PM

I laughed a little, stood up and told him I was going back inside. He asked why, and I, no exaggeration here, said; because that's what I hope my H would do. And I left.

I love that!!

At least my ex admitted he was selfish this week.

cantgetup posted 11/9/2013 13:12 PM

All of you have just nailed this. So true. So simple.
Terrific insight. Doesn't make our situation
any easier, but man, you nailed it.

hopefulmother posted 11/9/2013 16:21 PM

Thanks worries...I may want to go out and have an A...have some man build me up, so I am not depressed....but it will NEVER happen.

I didn't do it then, I will not do it now. I am too good for that...too strong. So what...I may be depressed or not carefree and fun. At least I have integrity and class. At least I put my family children's happiness above partying every night I have the chance. If my cheating husband can't value that and the gift I gave him with R...Fuck him. He can go find some carefree, fun, easy, broken whore to take care of for the rest of his life with my blessing.

Thanks longer hurting...just angry and feeling disgusted by his choice of women and the fact that he really found that attractive at the time.

I know what you mean...a male from the shesahomewrecker FB page tried to befriend me...I couldn't even okay that. Regardless of his comments to build me up, because I was willing to admit that some of the marriage problems were my fault too. Not that any problem justifies or excuses an A. Plenty of excuses why, but no excuse to make it okay.

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