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Newest Member: Iambroken1976 (45759)

User Topic: Progress!
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a slow healer. Really slow. It took me years to go full NC. But I'm finally there.

Brief back story: EX was asked to resign as an assistant principal back in Feb. because of innapropriate activity on the company computer network. (stupid dumbass!) So after that he because a bartender full time while trying to find some kind of real job. He finally got lucky and found some stupid, sucker friend of his to hire him as a teacher at a Charter school. (Public schools won't touch him.) The school is far from his apt. and far from the kid's school so he isn't taking them overnights much at all anymore because of when he has to be to work and all the driving, etc.

So anyway, on Wednesday he send me a text saying that he would like to see the kids for a few hours on Friday night even though it was my weekend. I told him that I had tentative plans but would get back with him. I had plans to take the kids to a school fair so I asked them if they would prefer that Daddy take them instead of me. They said no.

So I had the following text conversation with him yesterday:

Ex: I'm assuming that you have plans for tonight since I haven't heard from you. Can I please see them boys on Monday? (Monday is a day off for him and them because of Veterans day but I had also taken the day off myself so that I can spend the day with them.)

Me: I took the day off on Monday so I could spend the day with the boys.

Ex: I started to type something out but then I realized that you don't care.

Me: **crickets***

Ex: Sorry it didn't work out. Tell them I said good luck at their soccer game tomorrow.

Me: K

Normally, I would have gone into explanations about how not seeing the kids was his choice because he left us and I would have tried to explain the divorce decree and defend myself. He would have most likely fired back something hateful and I would have cried the whole night. It was hard not to respond, even a small part of me felt sorry for him. But I remained detached. I'm really proud of me. It may not seem like much but this is real progress for me.

it also shines some light on how *not* happy he is despite what he says to everyone else.

Sorry dude. You chose to move so far from your kids. You got asked to resign because you couldn't keep your pants zipped. Sorry that prevents you from taking full advantage of your visitation. No my problem.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please be careful. He can take you to court & request a modification of custody. I understand why you said no in both of the instances, but a judge wouldn't give a shit that he cheated on you & walked out. A judge will only see a father who's wanting to be with his kids, but the mother is preventing it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
devistatedmom
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I don't think she has much to worry about when he has been granted time that he doesn't take, then asks her at the last minute to give up some of her court appointed time and she says no, we have plans. And she did offer the boys the option to have their dad take them to the fair instead of her.

Action, meet consequence. You can't screw up 10 ways to Sunday, lose your job and everything, move your life in a direction that doesn't jive with your kids lives, then wonder why they don't really want to alter their plans to see you. Hopefully he will hit rock bottom and figure out how to be a father to these young children.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5588 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I really do. I just get worried sometimes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't worry as long as she has documented all the times he refused his visits... The fact that he moved and won't have them overnight.. Nah. No worries.

He made choices, why should those impact HER parenting time?

If you didn't already have plans with your kids would you have allowed him to have the kids?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is my weekend with the kids and I would have gladly allowed the boys to spend my Friday night with him even though we had plans but they didn't want to.

As far as Monday, I had planned on taking the day off months ago to spend the day with them.

His not taking visitation overnights is his choice. If he decides otherwise, I will not stand in the way of it.

I understand you concerns Nature_Girl. I wouldn't interfere with his visitation and I have let him see them on my days in the past when he has asked. But in this case we genuinely had plans, they did not want to spend the time with him, and it was legitimately my visitation time.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is the damn applause button?!?!
I love this post! I love how you start it off reminding us that you are a slow healer! Knowing that makes what you did SO AWESOME!! You handled it P.E.R.F.E.C.T.L.Y.!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Oct 2012
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I just sent him a text offering him some extra time with the kids on Thursday night just in case there was any confusion on his part that I was withholding the kids or something of that nature. He's not responding but whatever. I offered and I have it in writing.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great progress , know how hard it is . you should be proud! I am right behind you working hard


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yessssssssssssssssssss!! NC really is key. It is so hard in the beginning but my goodness it is SOOOO worth it. It is absolutely KEY to detaching and detaching is key to reaching indifference.

It gets less and less tempting as time goes on.

I'm thrilled for your rab!!

Ex: I started to type something out but then I realized that you don't care.

Sounds like EX is learning too.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 10

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