Topic: pity party- beware
Member # 40359
| Posted: 3:24 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
I haven't posted at all lately. I have been reading but cannot even put my two sense in because I don't have any.
I am having a baaaadddd week. Since last weekend I have just been feeling down. I try and keep busy but then night time comes and I sit alone.
Nothing new to report. Same old crap. WH STBXH whatever I should call him, is still giving mixed signals. Last Monday and Tuesday night he texted me about random things. Wednesday when I got home he was here while the kids were in bed. He stayed for a while trying to shoot the shit. When I brought up "us" he got quiet and emotional. When he was leaving in leaned in and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek and said he was sorry and he knows I will never believe him.
I am the one that wants to work on our marriage, he is the one that walked out 5 months ago. I have come to a point where I want my marriage but I do not want my marriage if it is not actually a marriage. So Thursday night I sent him a text saying that although I want us back, it is clear he does not and he has put forth no effort so I am done. I dont want to be legally married if we are physically separated. I asked him if he would talk to his dad (he is a divorce atty/mediator) about recommendations for a mediator that we can do see. The more civil and quick this divorce is, the better. HE NEVER RESPONDED!
A few things....He has been paying ample amount of money to pay the house bills since he left. He comes and takes the kids for his time. We have arranged all visitations civilly. I have asked for the past 5 months if we could work on our marriage and he continues to reply with we wont work. He has not filed for divorce or even talked to anyone about it. I have printed off divorce papers and signed them myself but he still has done nothing with them. In my eyes, I do not want this... it is far too much work for me to do on my own for something I ultimately do not want. Is it inevitable going to happen? yes but I am NOT doing this dirty work for him.
I am just soooooo lonely. I know that sounds pathetic but I have never really been single. We were 16 when we started dating so there is my life. I do not want him back the way he is obv. I miss him the way he was. I am not sure how to reconcile that in my brain or heart. I miss our life and our family and all the fun things we did as friends and as a couple. I want a companion.
Just a pity party really. Needed to vent. Missing my husband but hating the man he has become....
XWH left 6/2013
Divorce final 7/14/2014
False reconciliation 6/15-8/15
DDay 2 8/29/15
Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40268
| Posted: 4:15 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
I know the feeling all too well. I am sorry. You are heard and felt. Please stay strong and try to stop letting him cake eat. All the best
"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"
Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 40665
| Posted: 6:25 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
He just wants you there for plan B in my opinion.
Stay strong and be prepared. You may be in for a rough ride.
Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.
Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Member # 23890
| Posted: 6:28 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
You need to go out. During his time, get dressed - go to the gym, go to a movie, go out with a girlfriend. Won't hurt if he sees you dressed up and heading out the door either WITHOUT telling him where you are going! I don't care if you sit in the Walmart parking lot and read a book. But better to go out with a girlfriend (hell send each other flowers).
Maybe it will knock him off the fence and back to his senses - maybe it will piss him off and he'll file. Either way, you'll get forward motion. Maybe nothing will change... but at least you'll be out of the house and when you get home there will be pretty flowers!
((Eyeofthetiger)) Limbo sucks!
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?
Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 32554
| Posted: 6:52 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
I'd like for you to think of one or two things you can do for yourself. "Self care", as they call it. Something that maybe you used to enjoy. Something that's just for you. Not your kids. Not your house. Certainly not for WH. Just for you.
You need to take care of your emotional health, no matter if you are in or out of a relationship. It's not selfish. It's important.
Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 33226
| Posted: 6:55 PM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013|
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
Posts: 40247 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38405
| Posted: 7:04 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013|
I second what Take2 wrote. Hugs
Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!
Posts: 680 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 13447
| Posted: 7:30 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013|
Ok, this scares me. It does seem like he's trying to keep you hanging on as plan b.
What happens when he decides it's time to let go...he has a different plan b in the wings? His daddy is a D attorney, he'll know just what to do to get what he thinks he's entitled to. Often when there's an OW in his ear, the reasonable attitude that's there now disappears. I saw it with MrH when we started talking D during the A. At first he was willing to give me whatever I wanted. Then the A came out and xOw2 saw he was balking at giving up so much so she pushed him to get nasty. He did.
Now we're back to talking D but there's no OW and he's reasonable again.
You need to protect yourself and consult a lawyer, you know he has even if it's just his dad. You may not want to D, but knowledge is power. And I really worry every time I don't see a legal custody agreement in place. It's. To unknown for one parent to decide to just take the kids. It's happened here on SI and it happened during my brother's D.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 34697
| Posted: 7:52 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013|
In the early days, I did what Take2 suggested...get dressed up and act like I had awesome plans when I dropped Teslet off with ex-shat. Then I would go window shopping or treat myself out for a nice dinner and read a book. It made *me* feel better to do that and it forced me out to do something for *me*.
I had to do the 'dirty' work of our D as well. I'm glad I did, because my filing prevented him from taking out another mortgage...it protected me from his further debts. He would have played nice guy, keeping up appearances indefinetely had I not forced the issue. And most importantly, doing the work of getting the D done freed me from him. Didn't seem like it at the time because I was still emotionally attached to him...but I am so gratefully that I am not legally or finacially connected to that idiot.
It's tough to take the first steps...but he's made it clear that he's not coming back for your marriage. He just wants the appearance for some fucked up reason...but eventually, that will change...protect yourself by filing.
"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear
Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 40564
| Posted: 4:26 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013|
Eye, we're all listening. God, this stuff is hard. I'm in a similar boat as you. I want to work on us. I want to try us again. He's just jerking me around. So, I'm going to say some things to you that have been said to me and that I try to understand:
Please don't be hard on yourself. We are what we are. Specifically we are many good things. We know for sure, now more than ever, that we are deeply capable of love, hope, and forgiveness.
But I'm realizing, and maybe you are too, that turning those gifts towards these waywards doesn't return the same gift. We continue to give them love and forgiveness, and we get some mangled crap in return. It's time for us to turn those things on ourselves.
Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
|Topic Posts: 10|