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How Did I Pick Such a Cheater?

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dayatatime posted 11/9/2013 17:43 PM

Lately I have been thinking about all I glossed over before marrying WH. He would see ex-girlfriends behind my back, lie to me over little things, etc. There were signs he would cheat. We broke up over it but ultimately got back together. I am just wondering if you guys saw this stuff and dismissed it. I am not saying I deserved to be cheated on, only that I regret not paying attention to the small character flaws that mushroomed during his MLC into affairs, online dating, phone sex, etc.

BW 52
WH 55
M 23 years
son 13
ddays 2007 & 2010

Nature_Girl posted 11/9/2013 17:57 PM

Welcome to the club, sister. An awful lot of us can look back now and see signs we saw but deliberately chose to not take seriously.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/9/2013 18:03 PM

Oh my gosh, yes I did overlook a lot. I a still working to forgive myself because of the damage this has done to my kids.

lisaloo posted 11/9/2013 18:06 PM

I absolutely think that I turned a blind eye to things before we were married (namely the mass amounts of porn he lied and said wasn't his), because I wanted so desperately for him to be a good guy...and I really thought he was in all other ways, so believing the lies made it work-for a little while anyhow.

Starzjourney posted 11/9/2013 18:30 PM

Looks like you are in good company Day...your post made me feel not so alone...

mom of 2 posted 11/9/2013 18:34 PM

Yep, yep, and yep! I overlooked a lot before and after marriage. Like you I don't blame myself for his cheating, but sometimes I do want to kick my own ass.

devasted30 posted 11/9/2013 18:37 PM

No. Didn't see any of this. Always thought he was my greatest gift. Didn't have a clue this would happen to me - to us. Maybe I was nave, but I honestly thought he'd never do this. I knew he lied about the little things (smoking etc.) but never would have believed he was capable of this.

dayatatime posted 11/9/2013 19:14 PM

I know about wanting to kick my own ass over it. I sometimes think to myself - what did I honestly THINK would happen with someone who lied to me while we were dating? I want to tell my kid - be VERY CAREFUL who you marry, it will be the most important decision of your life.

mom of 2 posted 11/9/2013 19:38 PM

devastated,

I think we were all devastated.

No. Didn't see any of this. Always thought he was my greatest gift. Didn't have a clue this would happen to me - to us. Maybe I was nave, but I honestly thought he'd never do this. I knew he lied about the little things (smoking etc.) but never would have believed he was capable of this.

None of us saw it coming. That's the point. Hindsight is a bitch. And 20/20.


prowoman posted 11/9/2013 19:40 PM

YES. Blinded by love?

He has always gotten mad at me for making "assumptions" about him based on his actions, or "grouping" him with other people. He's not the exception, he is the rule!!

Ashland13 posted 11/9/2013 19:44 PM

I did not see these things but friends said "something about him is not right"...but could not put their finger on it. I suspect the NPD and passive aggression stuff.

Things would not add up sometimes that he said or or his words and actions did not match, but it did not occur to me, in lala land, to be worried. It didn't affect daily life or anything, how nave was I?

I ask sometimes why they did not try to stop me? And got answers like, "Oh, it was good to see you happy" and so on. Bla, bla, bla.

LeopoldB posted 11/9/2013 20:05 PM

I absolutely should have known better. She cheated while we were dating. And not just the fact that she cheated, but the way she cheated. She went on a cruise with her mother and decided that an on-board fling was required to really enjoy herself at sea. In her mind, a cruise equaled NSA sex and she did not want to pass up the opportunity.

Fast forward to married life... a business trip equaled NSA sex and she did not want to pass up the opportunity.

EasyDoesIt posted 11/9/2013 20:07 PM

Lately I have been thinking about all I glossed over before marrying WH. He would see ex-girlfriends behind my back, lie to me over little things, etc. There were signs he would cheat. We broke up over it but ultimately got back together. I am just wondering if you guys saw this stuff and dismissed it. I am not saying I deserved to be cheated on, only that I regret not paying attention to the small character flaws that mushroomed during his MLC into affairs, online dating, phone sex, etc.

Yep. That's why I won't date. I'm just not interested in reproving to myself what a lousy picker I am.

emotionalgirl posted 11/9/2013 20:41 PM

Oh yea! Count me in on this.....when I look back now, I think how could I have looked past all of that shit? Not jus inappropriate relationships, but his irresponsible nature and his white lies, and many other things.

I chalk it up to......I was young and stupid and oh so in love. Sigh. Coulda shoulda woulda thinking I guess.

Spelljean posted 11/9/2013 20:50 PM

Yes, lots of signs he either was cheating or was primed for it. poor boundaries, lying over lots of things, big and small, always out with the "guys" during the whole marriage, poor communicator, always needing validation, inappropriate flirting, especially after a few drinks.

Plus anytime we took a trip anywhere, he would like to have a night alone to "explore" he would say. He'd come back a few hours later usually intoxicated. Even if he wasn't actually hooking up, I always felt he was out behaving inappropriately with women for ego strokes.

He always had a thing about unrealistic romance...beyond what anyone would consider fun...it was about unrealistic expectations. He never wanted me to be real, to argue with him over anything because he would say "there are lots of OTHER things I would rather do with my wife other than fight....hint....nudge" Great...but I wanted reality. He wanted NOTHING to ever do with reality. He wanted a fairytale with me....always. It was a lot of pressure.

He hated me in normal underwear...only wanted me in thongs. He wouldn't be an outright jerk if I wore full underwear but he wouldn't be attentive with anything other than porn star like behavior from me. He would be nice enough but seemed tremendously bored with day to day life.

One day it all hit the fan and it was like he became so careless...maybe on purpose.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 8:51 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Chandler posted 11/9/2013 20:52 PM

guilty! I am kicking myself for being sooooo stupid. I truly thought he would be a good man. a role model for our children...boy was I wrong....he us still cheating and I am stuck trying to find a way out.

struggling16 posted 11/9/2013 22:05 PM

I saw extreme selfishness and an obsessive need to "win" any discussion but stupidly overlooked them.

Instead I saw a single father with custody of his three young children who seemed to truly care for me. I was naive and inexperienced and completely out of my depth. My parents didn't approve and the only thing my Mom said was, "Maybe he will have expectations of you that you can't meet". Boy, was she right. Little did I know those expectations would be porn-driven and appear after 27 years of M.

I kick myself every day for my poor decisions.

careerlady posted 11/9/2013 23:21 PM

At first he seemed like a good man, attentive, flattering, took care of my car, always wanted to be with me. Then it became obvious he had a bad temper, then he hung out late with the guys drinking, then he kept telling others lie when the truth seemed more convenient! His best friend was a cheater. We broke up a few times but then he would always beg back in so sweetly and I had no thoughts he was cheating before marriage even though I wasn't doing premarital sex. Over the years he showed himself to be selfish, lazy, and a liar, and finally a serial cheater.

Now I realize I squandered my virginity and 13 years of my life on a man who was destined to betray me. The next guy will have to be a devout Christian who doesn't lie or party or drink to get a chance....

Tawnie posted 11/9/2013 23:27 PM

If I could do one thing it would be go back in time and PAY ATTENTION to all the warning signs! I just wanted the relationship so much that I just kept turning a blind eye. So many regrets.

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/10/2013 01:53 AM

I agree that one needs to pay close attention to yellow and red flags, prior to getting married. The problem is that it doesn't inoculate you.

My first love (high school) cheated on me. It devastated me for years. Over the years, when I dated, I looked for any signsmthat someone might cheat. I didn't get married until I was 49 years old. I chose my W very carefully. She showed NO signs. No flirting. Etc. Etc. I lived with her for two years before we married. After two kids and six years of M, she had a PA with her boss and we're now D.

So, go figure.

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