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Total shock... I feel like a fool

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Annalee posted 11/9/2013 18:17 PM

I found out a month ago that WH had an affair. Since then he has been very remorseful and we have been working on reconciliation. There have been a few setbacks but he has mostly been doing everything I asked so I have been very hopeful.

Then today we had an argument about the affair. He said he was sick of me asking questions about it and basically ended the conversation.

I looked at his internet browser history (he doesn't know that I do this) and he basically spent the next hour looking at profiles on an online dating site. Now i feel like such a fool for thinking that he was really changed. OMG!!that's not normal is it?? men don't normally look at dating sites in any innocent way do they??

He seemed so genuine in wanting reconciliation. I'm at a loss. I really wanted to try everything to make it work as I'm 6 months pregnant with our first child. But I think this may be the last straw.

Gumdropped posted 11/9/2013 18:27 PM

OMG I am so upset for you! He is definately not in R unity you. If you are married he shouldn't be anywhere near a dating site. There will be lots of advice and caring for you here. Sending you a hug.

Take2 posted 11/9/2013 18:47 PM

I'm so sorry Annalee, that must have been terrible.
R is not for the feint of heart... Whatever you decide to do - do not reveal that you know this or that you check the browser history. Please focus on the 180 and take care of you and the babe.


jjct posted 11/9/2013 18:51 PM

Yes- the 180 - I just bumped a couple of good posts for you - look for the target icons.

Time to take care of yourself sister.
We got your back.

FightingBack posted 11/9/2013 18:51 PM

Annelee, I'm so sorry you are here. No, this is not normal behaviour. It is also behaviour that is very far from being remorseful and sincere about a reconciliation.

I am sure you are in shock right now. We all know how that feels but it must be much worse if you are pregnant.

Think about your baby first and foremost and keep yourself healthy.

hang on. Some very wise people will be along shortly to offer advice. I personally do not feel qualified to do that.

this is a hug. ((((Annelee))))

Annalee posted 11/9/2013 19:04 PM

I sent him a message saying its over between us. He's been calling me non stop ever since. we are in different states right now so he has no other way of getting to me.

he kept begging me for an explanation so I just said I knew about the dating site and that I don't want him to contact me anymore.

He most likely knows about the browser history thing now. I didn't want to tell him but I just don't have it in me to lie.

He left me another voice-mail begging me to listen to him and gave me the "its not what you think" line. I know I wont be able to believe whatever he tells me so I don't see any point in even hearing him out

[This message edited by Annalee at 7:21 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

jjct posted 11/9/2013 19:23 PM

I'm sorry Annalee...sending you strength.

By telling him it's over, you've drawn a line in the sand - can you maintain it?
I want you to if you want to.
Have you seen a lawyer for a consult to know what's next?
Better get on that I think, and get your ducks in a row with finances, etc.
Do you have support near you? Friends, family?

We're here for you.

Annalee posted 11/9/2013 22:47 PM

I'm leaving the country in a few days (to return to my home country) and will be staying with family until after I have the baby. This was already arranged so at least I don't have to worry about.

I have seen a lawyer already and I've also transferred some cash into a new account so I should be ok financially in the short term. Plus as I will be having the baby in a different country to WH it will be very much up to me when he gets to meet her. Very sad for my baby girl but at least I have some control over the situation.

I don't know if I will be able to stick to my resolve. I doubt it... my WH was my whole life and I am still very much in love with him.

brkn_heartd posted 11/10/2013 10:11 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this while you are pregnant too. You are wise to get some time away and let him know you know.

Take care of yourself right now!

SeanFLA posted 11/10/2013 15:03 PM

I admire how you seem to have control of things so quickly. But I think you already drew a line in the sand the first time and he crossed it during R. He doesn't need to be looking at those sites. I don't understand what he sees to gain from it when he's already been caught once. What a moron.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It's really the only thing you can believe in.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 3:04 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

mentalmess posted 11/10/2013 21:44 PM

I am so sorry you are enduring this kind of heartache during your pregnancy. You sound incredibly strong and no doubt will be a great mom.
You might consider making a list of your requirements for R if you think there is a possibly he will step up and show that he is willing to change.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 22:24 PM

Remember he is not your husband he is the man in your husbands clothes. Your husband is someone you dont know anymore and his words are nothing. He is lying. You can only judge his acts, and he clearly assumes you will do the relationship work while he sits and crosses the lines you draw. Saw the same thing from my ex. Wanted me to do all the work. I asked 4 times for her to remove the boyfriend off of fb...didnt do it, so i divorced her. If you cant do one thing to showyour commitment you dont deserve the commitment. Annalee, there is no in between. You are committed or you are not. If hes on a dating site for any reason, then thats your answer and its real easy to keep that in your mind while you go through the divorce.

Lostandpregnant posted 11/28/2013 14:56 PM

Just because he is scared to lose you does not mean he is remorseful or willing to change.
This is not the man you thought he was.
He is ACTIVELY seeking out other women. ACTIVELY. Remember that.
These kinds of behaviours do.not.stop.

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