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Trying Not to Go Down the Rabbit Hole

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Must Survive posted 11/9/2013 18:19 PM

Two years ago tomorrow my world stopped. What I thought was forever was not. It was the day before my birthday. How am I ever going to reclaim my birthday and the 3-day weekend that we always did something on?

I am struggling this weekend. Just had surgery 3.5 weeks ago. Not allowed to exercise, so I can't do that. DS is at a friends till this evening so I can't take an anti anxiety pill.

I am not ok yet. I still am at loss to get my joy back.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he is happily living with ow#3. How does that happen? One minute he is with ow#1 begging her to leave her spouse, he will take care of her kids, I find out, she dumps him and 2 weeks later he is with ow #3. He moves into her house 2 months later (not even filed divorce yet). They are engaged about the same time. SHE has never even met his son! I go over and over how did this happen? Am I so horrible that he could find at least 2 other women who he would rather spend time with other than me? We had been together 20 years. It took us five years to get married. Now he can commit to someone in 2 months?

Honestly, after all this sh** I need some validation. I want someone to care about me. All the things I thought were so important to him and our family he just through out!

I guess I really need help on taking my birthday back. I can't have this terrible memory every year.

Gajit posted 11/9/2013 18:29 PM

My only reply would be FTG!!!

Don't let yourself be belittled. After all you have been through, you need to grow for yourself, not for him.

I am sorry you are here. Hugs to you!

Nature_Girl posted 11/9/2013 18:38 PM

My EX did his best to invalidate my birthday. He refused to observe it, wouldn't even mention "Happy Birthday" to me. When the kids came along he wouldn't do anything for me with them. No presents. Nothing.

So the first b-day after we separated I threw myself a "drop in" party. I invited everyone I knew to feel free to drop by the house during the hours of (big time range). I told them that I didn't want any presents, I just wanted to be surrounded by people who cared for me. And I'd reward them with cake & treats to eat.

It was fairly last minute, but you know what? Lots of people came! It was possibly the best birthday I've ever had. All day long people would drop by for just a few minutes or stayed for a longer chat. Really good times were had by all. I wasn't overwhelmed with a big crowd of people. Minimal prep & clean up. Just lots of love & support.

Birthday reclaimed!

nowiknow23 posted 11/9/2013 18:44 PM

Am I so horrible that he could find at least 2 other women who he would rather spend time with other than me?
Honey - he is so messed up, he can't spend a second alone with himself. He's trying so desperately to plug the hole in himself, he's moving from one cork to the next.

It's no reflection on you - it's illustrative of his damage. Nothing else.

((((((Must Survive))))))

dmari posted 11/9/2013 19:08 PM

Sending you hugs Must Survive!!

Right now, how you see yourself and how you validate yourself is through a distorted, cracked and foggy lens. Infidelity and his OW #2 or #3 or #4 or whatever have nothing to do with you and have nothing on you.

You, my dear, were faithful in a long marriage which I'm sure had it's normal ups and downs as all marriages do. You are making the most of this shit sandwich you were served. Please reframe this remark "Am I so horrible that he could find at least 2 other women who he would rather spend time with other than me?" YOU are ABSOLUTELY NOT horrible! His actions show how pathetic and selfish and entitled and shallow HE is … NOT YOU!

Continue to heal, Must Survive! You are so worthy! And yes, take back your birthday!! My stbx also did not acknowledge my birthday ~ I had to beg for a card. This past summer was the first birthday without him and my mom threw me a small surprise birthday party with a Hello Kitty theme. It was so wonderful being surrounded by family that loved me. From now on, I will do something special for me on my birthday because WE DESERVE IT!

You may not see it yet but you are so much better without him.

Must Survive posted 11/9/2013 20:08 PM

Thanks you guys. I think I need to plan something for next year.

It sucks not being able to exercise. That is usually how I keep my head on straight.

SBB posted 11/9/2013 22:23 PM

We have a story in the news here of this abusive POS who threw his beautiful Canadian fiancé off of a skyscraper balcony a year or two ago. He is completely, 1,000% guilty. There's CCTV footage of the foyer showing her trying to run away and him holding his hand over her mouth and dragging her back into their apartment (he claims he was trying to stop her hurting herself and that she jumped off the balcony - yeah, right. You don't put your hand over someone's mouth if you're trying to save them).

Anywhoo - the part of the story I wanted to share here? This POS has a new girlfriend supporting him at court. He is disgusting - she is beautiful, a virtual clone of the murdered fiancé.

Can you fucking believe it???? I can't. I mean I can, broken attracts broken and we all know how hypnotic their love-bombing can be.

But still. WTF?

I feel the same way about the sad clown. If it wasn't OWUmpteen it would be another prior OW or some new dimwit.

Getting someone new is easy - keeping them is another. Finding the right one another all together. I could be in a relationship by this afternoon if I was desperate and willing to go through this dance again. I am not either. I'd rather wait for the real thing.

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