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Healed by God and God Alone

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brokenvows1 posted 11/10/2013 00:03 AM

I'll try to make a very long story short....

Met husband in 8th grade. Married in college. I was a full time nursing student, he was in the Army. We had only had sex with eachother, no other partners. We are Christians...he was raised in a strict household, I was raised in a very broken home. I found God once I met him and his family is my family. He cheated on me when I was full term (39 weeks and 2 days to be exact). He was drunk, away with his unit, and the girl was in the army as well. He told me after our daughter was one month old, I was back in school, and beyond crushed. There I was, new mother, full time nursing student(only had 5 days off of school when I had my daughter), and giving wife...completely betrayed. What confused me was the fact that I spoiled him rotten. He never cooked cleaned, did anything for the baby. I did it ALL and didn't complain. He actually told me when I was cooking him his favorite meal, baby asleep, homework finished, and football on the television. I of course freaked out and called him names and said it was an un-forgivable action. I cried, called my mom and mother-in-law and missed school the next day. I am young, attractive, we were sexually active, and he gets a lot of freedom. I literally couldn't think of a reason why he would cheat.

Now...a year later...I know that God's grace alone is the reason we are still here. I didn't even kick him out....we immediately met with a spiritual therapist who walked us through the grieving and healing process. I have forgiven him, dug deep into my past wounds, and found who God really is. I actually snapped back quicker than my husband. He, of course, lived with so much guilt and sorrow that he couldn't forgive himself. He never complained about anything I did wrong because he felt that he didn't have a right to. He watched me bring stuff up and communicate, be he would just apologize and try harder in all areas. He never (until recently) forgave himself. I know without a doubt that his unforgiveness for himself was his biggest downfall. I have struggled keeping strong because I feel like I was the victim, forgave him, fixed my spiritual self, and he was just the same guilty man. Of course sorry, but beaten down. Not because I beat him down...he did it to himself. I literally stopped bringing it up! Only family knew...didn't even tell friends. I completely threw my wants and needs away and decided that our therapist new best. My husband was a coward and made a drunken mistake...he had integrity to tell me...but he couldn't forgive himself. That alone would have been enough to end all if he were to continue the self-beaten trauma. He recently had a breakthrough and realized that God still sees him as a tenderhearted man. He is still a good person. He adores his family and daughter. He's an amazing father. He gives everything his all. There's just one thing...he still hated himself. He watched my heart break into a million pieces, when my history was already enough to break me down. He was the only important person to me who hadn't deeply hurt me or let me down...and he did the worst thing he couldn't ever done in my opinion. Then he watched me grieve and heal. He watched me graduate on time and conquer my every goal. He watched me mother in a patient, forgiving, way. He has finally admitted that my strength has made it hard on him. My strength has made him feel as if he doesn't deserve me and it worsens his guilt. But he is now officially in the healing process himself. He is seeking his heart and who he is in Christ. FINALLY

I dug into scripture and decided that, as long as he is truly regretful and has repented, I won't give up on him. I don't think it's right...but I forgive him for his mistake. It is what it can't be erased. He was man enough to tell me and risk losing us..when he knows that any sane man would be in heaven...he was SPOILED. But I know he is a special heart and a great man. He just had to forgive himself in order to completely change for the better. It's impossible to be who someone needs you to be if you're living in guilt. Every person on this earth will let you down...even those closest to you. That's why we can't put anyone on a pedestal. We can't set expectations that are impossible to achieve. They will never every fulfill our every need. Only God can do that. If you don't agree, I don't judge you. But i'm just hoping this will help someone out there. There is hope...ONLY if you both are willing to seek God first. Otherwise, it most likely won't completely heal.

rachelc posted 11/10/2013 09:27 AM

There is hope...ONLY if you both are willing to seek God first. Otherwise, it most likely won't completely heal.

so.... atheists are SOL?

SisterMilkshake posted 11/10/2013 09:37 AM

I am glad this worked for you. I suppose it would work for some. But, as rachelc pointed out, this is a very narrow view.

I am healing, FWH is healing, we are reconciled and we did it without the help of any God.

Rebreather posted 11/10/2013 09:40 AM

I feel much better knowing you won't judge me.

I am glad you found a path that worked for you.

wifehad5 posted 11/10/2013 10:53 AM

A general reminder to all, religious debates aren't allowed so post respectfully of each other.

Thank you

sodamnlost posted 11/10/2013 13:48 PM

Brokenvows - you have no idea how much your post means to me. Thank you for being faithful in your testimony! My story is still being written but I hope one day it's as positive as yours!

5674emt posted 11/10/2013 16:52 PM

I am not at that place yet, but God has also been the source of my healing.

I know each person has their own journey and transport to get them to their destination. I wish for all of us here on SI to find the vehicle that works best for their healing.

Kierst13 posted 11/10/2013 17:08 PM

I know each person has their own journey and transport to get them to their destination. I wish for all of us here on SI to find the vehicle that works best for their healing.

Yes! There are many roads that lead to healing! No one god or goddess will be the answer for every person going through infidelity, and many will find a road clear through to healing with no gods or goddesses whatsoever.

Healing comes from within!

StillGoing posted 11/10/2013 19:33 PM

There is hope...ONLY if you both are willing to seek God first. Otherwise, it most likely won't completely heal.

This is a terrible message to give to people. Please don't use infidelity as a sounding board to proselytize. People are hurt enough from this and there are people out there who may be close to a dday that do not share your beliefs; while it's honestly great that your beliefs carried you through this hurt, please show a little compassion for those who don't have or want those beliefs.


I apologize if this is out of line; not trying to debate religion.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:35 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 11/10/2013 19:44 PM


Brokenvows is entitled to give her opinion. Please do not tell her how to post. If you have a problem, PM a moderator.

Thank you.

Offhispedestal posted 11/11/2013 10:31 AM

I can totally understand not getting into religious or political debates. I can personally say from my own experience that God is the only reason why we are in R and the only reason why I'm alive typing this. I was not religious in anyway before my H's A.
My story is too long but I can tell you that we both experienced so many things that were NOT a coincidence. And there isn't scientific explanation for it! Lol
I did not go to a church, I went to God. Alone in my home. I cried out loud and prayed like I never had in my life. Did I suffer? Ooh yeah, this cut me deep. I swear my H acted like the exorcist if I even mentioned the word God. I left it alone and prayed for this mess, for me and yes even him.
The things that happened were truly Unbelievable.

I will only mention one of many, many things that happened.
One day during his A, my H took off saying he needed to "think"
He looked like a drug addict that hadn't slept in days. He wasn't doing drugs but the A was taking its toll on him.
I didn't believe he was just going for a drive. He made me feel that he was taking off because of me and he was cruel.
I literally fell to my knees in our bathroom floor a sobbing mess. I just started talking out loud to God asking for some sort of explanation, anything! I lost my voice after about 5 minutes. I got the strangest urge to look for an old bible that was full of dust in a box. I don't remember the verse to this day. But I get goosebumps still, a message saying "I hear your cries, I see your pain. I haven't left you and I bring you this message. It will not be in your time, it will be in my time. It won't be late. I will deliver my promise etc....

Well at that exact moment my H calls my cell. I can barely understand him. He was sobbing so hard. He tells me that he drove to a nearby lake and got out to sit and think. He started thinking about everything he was doing and suddenly started talking to God. He said he felt this urge to read the bible and he remembered he had one tucked under the seat of his car!
He was shaking as he just started reading it to me out loud. I nearly passed out when I heard him. I stopped him halfway and read the rest out loud to him. He freaked out and asked me how did You memorize that??!! I was shaking so hard but told him. I don't know a single bible verse by memory. I told him
" when you left I just cried and just started talking to God, I opened up the dusty old bible and that is where I opened to read. The exact page, the exact verse.
This was just one of the many things that shook him up. But this didn't make him end the A. He hit rock bottom, became suicidal at one point. Stranger things happened and I would be happy to share.

wert posted 11/11/2013 13:20 PM

Everyone needs to tell their own story to themselves. In order to heal they need to believe it. The truth of those stories is not as important as the tale itself.

Good for you for finding your path.

take care...

Jabez posted 11/11/2013 21:39 PM

Since I have been on this site I have wished they had a forum for Christians to share. Seeing the angry posts following your heart felt post makes me want that forum even more. I want to thank you because I really needed to hear what you had to say. I wish those who are so upset with this would understand that we aren't trying to talk anyone into a relationship with God on this forum. Our faith is very important to us because this is who we are.

blakesteele posted 11/11/2013 21:46 PM

God gets credit for my internal change. I desired it, but could not have done this on my own.

I believe He wants us to grow and forgive and help others. But I don't believe he wants us to sit and wait on a miracle.

A quick true story....

A mother is diagnosed with cancer...has months to live. Her 3 year old daughter knows this and to comfort her Mom she makes her breakfast.

You can imagine how NOT great a breakfast made by a 3 year old is....but you can also imagine how much love that Mom had for her 3 year olds attempt.

I left out a lot of detail on that chokes me up to even write that little bit of it.

But this is how I believe. God wants us to do continually grow. We grow primarily through pain....think about how you got better. You learned to ride a bike better because of the pain you experienced falling off a bike. You learned to be a better public speaker because of the painfully embarrassing feelings you had when you just started. Adultery is HUGE pain. God knows this....and is why it is the only exception granted for a D in the bible....but He does not say you MUST or you SHALL D because of adultery.

God is with blakesteele. I AM that 3 year old making breakfast. God doesn't care about the counselor I am with, the books I am reading, the journals I am writing in, how many times I tell my wife I love her, etc...He only cares that I recognize my pain and that I am doing the best I can right now. He has provided much to me...and I have faith he will provide for my future needs.

I still get selfish....some of my prayers tend to express to God that I know His will for me better than he does....but I am working on that.

I have concluded their are no coincidences in my journey. Some very illogical occurrences have generated some very beneficial benchmarks to me.

To be sure....I am like a very early Peter....still growing in my faith and learning to trust God.

It is said God only uses broken vessels. I am certainly he can now use me at His will.

God be with us all.

Jabez posted 11/19/2013 20:43 PM

Wow! Thank you for that, blakesteele. I really needed to hear that. I am almost four years from D day and back to crying every day.
Everything you said is true but somehow I can't get it from my head to my heart.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/19/2013 22:11 PM

So, the only way to heal is if God waves his magic wand and you and your WS did 0% of the work?

Don't get me wrong, if you find peace in God, and God helps you through this, use whatever means necessary to get through it.

It just doesn't set well with me that the ONLY way is to let God in your life. It's erasure of those who have worked hard towards their R without the use to religion. And that doesn't just cover Atheists/Agnostics. What about other people that aren't Christians?

Again, it's good that you find comfort in God, but the idea of using it as a tactic of conversion is...well, it doesn't set well with me, to put it nicely.

blakesteele posted 11/20/2013 05:01 AM

You are welcome Jabez.

I have gone a couple of days without spontaneously sorry that you find yourself back at this spot 4 years out.

Can you identify where your pain is returning from?

Just to clarify, while I think it a miracle my wife and I are still together 15 months post-DD, I don't think I have been miraculously cured of my sin or pain. I have faith I will grow past my sin and pain, but also realize I will sin again....thus my Peter reference above.

Adultery provides a terrible burden to all it touches. I pray for all affected by it....WS, BS, children alike.

Peace be with us all.

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