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stongmomof3 (original poster member #41158) posted at 7:21 AM on Sunday, November 10th, 2013
Ok so the book hit home. We were certainly not filling up our love meters pre A. His is words of affirmation, and touch. Mine is quality time and acts of service.
So now 7 months from Dday I'm in the full blown ANGER stage and we are in a vicious cycle. I have nothing nice to say (partially because I'm so angry about the A's and partially because I'm pregnant and hormonal and feel completely neglected & alone) . I crave his touch (or just touch in general) but I'm sure I don't send those vibes because I'm so angry. Of course he doesn't want to spend quality time with me and when he (very rarely imo) tried acts if service it's just not good enough because I'm so damn angry.
What now? We are seriously failing at attempting to speak each other's language:(
Me 34 BS
Him 44 WS
3 EA, 1 PA each lasting over 7 months concurrently.
Are we in R? who the hell knows.
HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 12:45 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2013
I'm so damn angry.
From my point of view, anger is poison to R. We tend to remain angry at the person that caused us pain because we feel they have not been punished enough or not done enough to mitigate the damage. Examine your motivations for remaining angry and determine what can be done. Perhaps you are withholding your WH's love language as a form of punishment?
I have also found that loving feelings follow loving actions. Sometime if we force ourselves to be loving and kind it can make a big difference. Try doing something romantic or loving for your WH.
So sorry you are going through this.
Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 1:46 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2013
A lot of us go through a rage stage around 6 months out, so what you're feeling sounds pretty normal - which means you're probably right on schedule for healing. So your future will be better than your present.
There are 2 main ways to get out of a cycle. You can let it run its course, or you can interrupt it.
I don't know how to solve this, but I think any solution will start with a conversation. If you're in MC, a session might provide a good venue. Otherwise, interrupting the cycle will probably require one of you to make himself vulnerable....
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2013
I think anger is a very normal and natural stage in THIS grieving process...
stongmomof3 (original poster member #41158) posted at 4:11 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2013
Thank you . We are not in MC. We are each in individual with the same C and she has helped but wants to give us a bit longer on our own. She is basically saying the same thing as Hardenmyheart. I guess keep on keeping on. It just seems like a week between IC gets me so anxious !
Me 34 BS
Him 44 WS
3 EA, 1 PA each lasting over 7 months concurrently.
Are we in R? who the hell knows.
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