SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

blue8888 posted 11/10/2013 01:51 AM

How do I just stop caring? It kills me that he still talks to her. I don't want to hurt so much anymore. I wish there was a switch to just turn it off. I guess I don't want to be like him though, he doesn't care that he hurts me and that it is wrong for him to talk to a 19 yr old. Sorry, this is all just rambling. I hate feeling this way.

nomistakeaboutit posted 11/10/2013 02:03 AM

he doesn't care that he hurts me

It's hard. I can see you're hurting. I'm sorry for your pain

However, people who love you DO care if they hurt you. Sorry.

blue8888 posted 11/10/2013 02:18 AM

Thank you. I don't understand that either. How can he not love me after 13 yrs together? I just don't understand.

Holly-Isis posted 11/10/2013 06:29 AM

He might, in some pathetic way, but he loves himself more.

Go to the Healing Library > BS FAQs > #11 aka the 180.

Those steps will help you detach. It will be hard at first but once your focus is off of him and on yourself it will begin to get easier.

suckstobeme posted 11/10/2013 06:43 AM

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts and the confusion that surrounds their ability to ignore or disregard our pain and just do whatever it is they want, as if we just never existed. It's cruel and abusive.

You are a real and caring human with a core of authentic feelings. For that reason, unfortunately, you can't just turn it off and stop caring. That's dysfunctional and that's what they do.

The only way to get past it is to go through it.

I don't know the details of your situation, but if he's still living there with you or you're still having lots of contact with him, that's the first thing to stop. Whatever you want to call it, 180, NC except for kids/finances, etc., start it immediately. Turn away from him to focus on what needs to be done, the changes that need to be made, and helping your kids get through the transition.

Now is the time to protect yourself. See a lawyer if you haven't already done so to protect your financial interests. Implement the 180 to protect your heart from more hurt.

It will get better, but it's a process. I promise, one day, you will have gone through it and you will see him for what he is - a selfish, disordered, empty, black soul. You and your kids deserve better. The 19 year old OW? She's about to learn a big lesson about predatory men.

cantgetup posted 11/10/2013 07:09 AM

So sorry. You're right to be hurt. If he is still
in contact with her, then you need to remove
him from your life and home. Not necessarily
permanently, because sometimes they come
around. But you will have to move forward
as if he won't. It's hard, but it will save you and
your family from certain hell. I see your tag
line says you have 2 special needs kids? How
are the doing? I see on her a lot of men who
have A, and their BS is battling a disease, in
chemo, just suffered the death of a loved one
and other health crises. They have had an A
because they can't deal with the reality of
their difficult life. Do you think that is the case
Here? If so your odds are better than most that
he will turn around. But you have to be willing
To end the marriage in order to get there.