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I have been having a lot of problems lately. Not even with my husband but with myself. I am not doing so well. I am constantly thinking that the inevitable is going to happen that we are going to divorce and not be together anymore. I am constantly thinking that he is going to leave me because one day he won't be able to handle this anymore. But in reality I think it will be the opposite. I don't think I could ever leave my husband but I think that this is really going to get to me one day because I won't be able to handle it anymore.

I have been causing a lot of arguments lately between us. My husband has been doing great lately. He has been talking to me more, not even about my A but about him and his feelings. He has been letting me into him lately. Sharing his thoughts and feelings. Something I thought that I fucked up and he would never do again. But he has been starting to. The only thing is is when he does, I get scared. I don't know why though. I get scared because he is letting me into him again. I fear that I will fuck up again. Not even in a cheating sense either. I have come too far to ever do that to myself or my husband again.

I have always been afraid of being happy. Something I have gotten used to since I was little was not being happy and there always being conflict. Always something wrong. So when my husband and I are happy, I feel the need to always make something out of nothing. There is just something that clicks in my head that says "Oh, things are going good? Things are happy? Not anymore." And I make a problem. I don't know how to stop this. But I need to and I want to because it is utterly destroying my marriage.

I want to get into IC again but I am not sure I will have the time. I start school in December. We got a book back in September about getting over fear and abandonment. I am not a big reader and am having a hard time getting through it. Also reading it is bringing on a lot of bad memories from childhood. But I am trying to get through it because I know it will probably help me and hopefully help my marriage.

Anyway I needed to get some stuff out and I figured this would be the best place to do it. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you right now. I do think its positive you are aware of what you are doing though...at least you recognize it....now its just a matter of changing it!

I wish I could offer you better support but just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel! !! Hopefully one of the wiser WS can help you out!!

It seems to me that if these thoughts are making you uncomfortable, then they are working. Keep focusing on what makes you uncomfortable about them, and let it sink in. This isn't a sprint; it's a marathon. Do this for yourself.

I understand exactly how you feel. I often feel that way and it is scary. The best advice I can give to you is to just be there for your husband. As awful as it is to hear all the things he feels or says, knowing that you are willing to listen to him may help. You mentioned how you are afraid to be happy. This is something that I also struggle with. I am in therapy now and it has helped. As my IC says, I deserve to feel joy and be happy. Yes you made a mistake but your mistake should not make you who you are. You also deserve to be happy. Try to enjoy the little moments. That is what keeps me going.Best of luck.

{{{{Huggs}}}}
There is a very good book from Brene Brown called Daring Greatly and she talks about those very same issues. My IC suggested it and I must say...she hits the nail on the head. I have the book on tape and it can be difficult to listen to at times, but really does address the issues with being happy and such. There are also a few videos of her speaking that you might want to consider listening to.

Wishing you peace.

Ah the paradox of the wayward. You have the insanity of screwing everything up, the monster task of facing your own demons. And then to top it all off, whatever you are going through, multiply, by about ten thousand and thats what your husband is facing...so if I were you I would commit to learning your issues, fixing them over a long long time, and doing anything your husband asks you to do. Dont patronize him and dont assume anything about him and for gods sake tell the 100% truth always. This fear is natural, but its also a manifestation of your own issues.

FR2012,
BS here. I'm wondering why you can't go to IC? It sounds to me like it would be very helpful to you. School starts in December, so why couldn't you go now, since school has not yet started? Once school starts, what are your school hours? All day every day? Even if it is, many docs and IC have late hours once or twice a week.

If you broke your leg and had to have follow up care for it every week, would you do it? If your heart is broken, it needs care too.

My point here, gently, is that you can make time for things that are important to you. I hope you will see yourself as important enough to deserve time out of your week for IC. Your BH is with you, and trusting you enough to be vulnerable with you. Can you trust yourself enough to be vulnerable with yourself?

Please try to go to IC. You are worth it.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:19 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Alyssamd24:

Thanks for the thoughts. Really appreciated.

KBeguile:

I think that is one thing I am not allowing myself to do, is for it to sink in. I am uncomfortable with these thoughts and feelings. And with those kinds of feelings, it makes me want to change and be better. I NEED to be better for not only my husband and children but myself.

trying2live:

it is scary

And that is something I am not completely sure on how to handle. I am working on it though.

When I was in IC she would often tell me the same thing. That is deserve to be happy. But honestly, I still don't feel like I deserve it myself. I am slowly getting to the point that I think I deserve it.

you made a mistake

In the beginning, I used to think of this as a mistake too. But when you actually think about it, it was a choice. Every WS here made a choice, not a mistake.

Try to enjoy the little moments.

I am trying. Thank you for the kind workds. They mean a lot.

Trying2Survive1:

I will look into this book. Thank you very much.

StrongerOne:

I am going to look into IC again. I am going to call tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your kind words. They are encouraging.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 7:51 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]