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First off my WH has told me he actually thought about driving his truck off a cliff when I first confronted him about his A. Is this fairly common? Secondly he said that he was ready to divorce me and that was his minds justification to having the A. Can having a rewarding marriage evn be possible when a spouse was at this point in the M? I just don't figure that you can wake up and not want a divorce the next day. Is it because the A and getting caught made him realize what he has, what he had all along? He told me he was glad the A happened. Not the sex or any of the other stuff but the part that made us be able to talk to eachother and look at eachother in a different light. I just don't know if you can have such a strong feeling of wanting to leave and just wake up and not.

I think the knee-jerk suicide reaction is fairly common. My H said he wished he could just die. I guess that seems preferable in their minds to having to face up to what they did. I think maybe the divorce was something your H thought up afterward to have some - any - explanation for how he could do something so awful. My H said after the first bj he knew our marriage was over, so why not just continue?

I am wondering the same things you are. When someone is that checked-out of the marriage, how do you know they are really checked back in.

I will never understand the "glad the affair happened" thing. I have heard people say this many times, but it seems to me that there are a million better ways to open someone's eyes. The different light I see my H in now is not a flattering one.

Yes- mine described having the gun in his mouth in our bedroom. On more than one occasion during the affair.
Telling me was a relief.
We had both said that the A changes things. Drastically and for the better.
I will never say I am grateful for the A. I am grateful for the way we have been dealing with it. We are more honest now than ever. We are not taking eachother for granted, we are communicating.
I believe you CAN feel both things. Hatred for the A and everything around it. And also grateful for the positive changes that are going on now. The A didn't "save" a marriage. It destroyed it. You and your spouse are the only ones that can save it- if you are in R.
I will never accept the A, or feel grateful for it- NEVER-
What I am grateful for is that my fWH and I discovered that we nearly lost eachother forever- and are making changes to move forward.

Any WS care to comment?

1. I never seriously thought about suicide until after the divorce. I didn't do it because it would have killed my mother.

2. I wanted a divorce before D-day but then chickened out. As soon as XH found out, it hit me how I didn't really want to leave. Unfortunately by that point, I didn't have a choice. I would say in my case it was not appreciating what I had until it was gone.

The way my fWH described it, he was resentful, blaming me for all of the unhappiness he felt. The more he did that, the more he 'created' unhappiness that wasn't even there. He told me he wanted a divorce but was too chicken to tell me. He figured I'd discover his affair and end it, and he'd have what he wanted.

Well, he had it. I discovered it. I threw him out. That's when he realized what he had been doing, and that he wasn't unhappy at all, and that it became much much worse (the blame, the feeling of unhappiness in the marriage) during the A because that was the justification for it.

I can't say that this is what happens with all WSs, but I believe it is with many of them. Hope this helps.