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Finally detaching

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olwen posted 11/10/2013 09:29 AM


I have been posting in Reconciliation for a while but no longer belong there.

WH is still playing the victim and refusing to face the facts of what he did.

He slept with his EA in March and I still don't have the truth and even if I get it I don't know if I could ever move on from it.

What happened is crystal clear to me but he is still pleading ignorance.

Basically they had kissed twice at work on the Friday then he came home and asked me for a break. He decided to stay but on certain conditions. I do more around the house so he has more time to go out etc. so the next night I sent him out to the pub to watch a band.

He spent all the Friday evening texting her, he claims he was using reverse psychology and telling her he was going to have to leave me cos of what they had been doing. Her response, there are lots of b&b's you could go to. He took that as she wasn't interested and they were back to friends. How thick can you be.

The kisses had been bad, she didn't respond. HE claims after the kisses he woke up and wanted to come back to me. So why leave e crying in another room and go text your girlfriend that you're leaving me?

anyway, he spent all the Saturday day and night texting her. He claims cos he didn't want to lose his friend after the kissing. Er ok 90 texts, that's not a friend it's a stalker! and all this after telling her he was going to 'have' to leave me cos of the texting and kissing. OMG man do you have a brain? If you want to end it you end it you don't see what her reaction will be to you leaving me! You don't text her more than ever.

My take on things, after the kiss he thought she didn't want him. So he text her he was leaving me to see what her response would be. When she said get a b&b he started wondering if she would join him. She clearly didn't care if he left me. Then he text her non stop to see how far she was willing to go.

So she is on a date with wait for it - a millionaire (ha ha ha ha as if) but she would leave her date and come and pick him up from the pub and bring him home. He says he said no but he still waited 20mins in the cold for her with a taxi rank right next to him.

So she picks him up and drives him round for 40ish mins. They didn't talk - yeah right. BUt he did ask why she was driving round and would she take him home. He admits his protests were weak - no shit Sherlock.

Then she parks up in a dark car park. Does he say take me home, no. Does he say he will get out and walk, no. HE sits there waiting to see what will happen.

Here is the rub, he is insisting he thought they were going to 'just talk' ok numbnuts you sit in a dark car park with your EA girlfriend at 1am on a late winters night and you think you're going to talk! Stupid me swallowed this for a while but after he posted in wayward that he knew when she was driving aroundthat something was going to happen. He claims he wanted nothing physical after the kissing, so why sit in the dark for half an hour after parking - more than an hour after he realised 'something was up' and just wait for it!!!!

Ok so he wants nothing more physical so why wait for it! Cos he DID of course. How stupid does he think I am!!! She lifted her skirt and he went for it. Tried telling me he felt trapped in case she told me of the EA, so get out of the car before she acts then idiot.

It's all so much clearer now. Also the replies he got on wayward really made me see what a mug I have been.

So, after breaking down with a bottle of voddy and the pretty reckless - excellent angry girl rock with very apt lyrics, I woke up this morning minus a hangover (yay!) and with my bitch boots firmly on! And my eyes wide open.

When I was calling him on it last night it got nasty, lots of shouting and he hated me confronting him. He said right so we will separate then, always his go to response when I am not being a good girlie.

So this morning I sat down and wrote a huge list of house rules, kind of 180 kind of in house separation. 6month contract so he knows I need time, the truth and more time. No more shouting, no more pleading for the truth (me)no more crap full stop. A list of who will do what chores. That I will listen if he wants to tell me truths about the affair but if it's obvious he is lying or manipulating me I will stop the conversation. all stuff like that and being friendly so our son is affected as little as poss.

Not completely over but a platonic relationship where I can detach to think clearly, the arguing stops and the lies stop. HE can tell them but I won't listen. I won't text him at work begging for answers, I won't threaten, plead, cry or freak out. I am going to look after myself and my son and get strong enough to hear what I know will be some very painful changes to his story if he ever gets his head out from between his butt cheeks long enough to face facts.

Typical reaction, he read it, tried to start arguing he was telling me the truth then started to argue points. I calmly told him it was a first draft and I had given it to him to make any changes or additions he wishes. His response - so we're over then? I said well that's what you said last night.....and he starts denying it. I put my hands up, smiled and said I won't listen to lies or argue and walked away. he then threw it on the side and said fine. I asked if he wanted to make any changes, he said no. I know him, he will not look at it again. I will though and that's what counts.

One thing that really made me see the light was someone pointed out that he joined si 1 day after me. I have made around 190 posts trying to save the marriage - he has made about 10. Says it all. He started a thread a week ago and has had loads of replies trying to help him. He replied once that he was busy and had an exam Friday then he would be back. It's now sunday and he hasn't been on once.

Once again, says it all.

I said some pretty horrific things to him last night, I lost it - as usual when I am literally and figuratively banging my head against a brick wall. I never want to lose it like that again.

for those who don't know I am sure the affair is over, has been since he brought her here to try and make her end it -WTF I know....he thought if she met wifey she would break it off and he wouldn't have to. Nice eh. But an affair is never really over as long as lies are being told imo.

Looks like general is my new home for the next six months.

[This message edited by olwen at 9:35 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]

painfulpast posted 11/10/2013 10:37 AM


You got this!!!

hardtimesinlife posted 11/10/2013 14:26 PM

But an affair is never really over as long as lies are being told imo.

That line is powerful.

Keep standing up for yourself and aiming for what you need. You are doing great.

Shattered-Heart posted 11/10/2013 14:34 PM

I can relate, really nearing the same place as you. Sorry you are here, but you are heard and if you want to PM me, anytime.

mchercheur posted 11/10/2013 23:31 PM

Olwen, I sent you a PM

Ostrich80 posted 11/11/2013 00:12 AM

. But an affair is never really over as long as lies are being told imo.

This is brilliant, so simply said, but so profound.

Sounds like your on the tight track, good for you

olwen posted 11/11/2013 03:43 AM

Thanks for all the support everyone.

I am so mad this morning. He promised he would be back on si but he hasn't bothered.

Normally I would ask him to, beg him to. Today - well it's his choice.

He can do what he likes, he will anyway.

It will be interesting to see how long it takes him, if he does, but I refuse to let it eat at me so posted on here instead of talking to him about it.

Feel better now, thanks for listening.

olwen posted 11/11/2013 07:12 AM

[This message edited by olwen at 10:09 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

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