SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Itstoohard posted 11/10/2013 10:21 AM

While trying to R I read many books. Most helpful in trying to R. None had info on if you decide not to are.Does anyone have suggestions on books that will help me get on with my life after infidelity. I know I can survive and hopefully flourish but I'd like some help with the steps. I have been in the hell of a so called marriage for over 40 years. I am finally at a place I know it is time.I just read Surviving Infidelity but little was said about what to do if you decide not to R. I am also going to start reading the divorce threads and see how they can help.

Merlin posted 11/10/2013 10:29 AM

Surviving infidelity is difficult enough.

Unless you are careful and live in a state where divorce laws are not insane (good luck with that!), surviving divorce can be just as bad.

That does not mean you should try to stay where you cannot live. Just go into divorce with your eyes wide open.

I could not reconcile with my now ex-W. But I have literally been enslaved to her through the divorce with permanent alimony and the loss of about 70% of 'marital assets' to her via "equitable distribution".

painfulpast posted 11/10/2013 10:33 AM

The book "After the Affair" has some chapters on how to deal if you are going to divorce, if I remember.

You don't need to stay anywhere you don't want, and you don't have to R.

The folks in divorce/separation may have some better suggestions for you.

Dreamboat posted 11/10/2013 11:15 AM

A couple of books that may or may not apply to your situation: Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Codependent No More are both helpful.

I do not know of any "how to" for the process of D, but my first advice is to talk to a L and find out the laws in your state/province and what you can expect the process of D will be like for you, your situation, and your jurisdiction.

If you have any specific questions, the folks in D/S have seen most everything and generally someone can give you first had advice.

Good luck and (((hugs)))

Itstoohard posted 11/10/2013 14:32 PM

Thanks all. What I am hoping it find is help preparing mental/ emotionally for end of M. I looked up an attorney that was suggested and will call this week. I do not know life single. I married at 19. Home > M.

phmh posted 11/10/2013 18:45 PM

"Getting Past Your Breakup" was helpful to me -- though I don't recall it specifically addressing infidelity, but to get past any breakup.

Other good sources were baggagereclaim.com and marcandangel.com

As painfulpast said, also join us down in the Divorce/Separation and eventually New Beginnings forum. Sometimes it can be more helpful to have an interactive dialog with people who've been there than just a book.

I know good things lie ahead for you!

Itstoohard posted 11/10/2013 20:32 PM

Wow Thanks. I went on amazon(I luv) and just ordered Getting Past Breakup.
I just checked out baggage reclaim and that looks interesting. Never heard of either site.
Thanks so much and yes I will be visiting the divorce/separation threads.

ItsaClimb posted 11/11/2013 03:08 AM

Getting Past Your Breakup is excellent. She has a blog and facebook group too.

suckstobeme posted 11/11/2013 05:59 AM

Consulting with an attorney will give you a good idea of the mechanics of divorce - procedure, cost, time lines, and where you will stand financially once it's over. Those are important issues.

As far as the emotions of getting through divorce, I think we all go through the grieving process. As you know, the feelings associated with grief are not linear, they crop up in different order, one at a time or several at once. That's natural. It's the end of something that you've known and leaned on for 40 years. It would be unrealistic to think it will end without some sort of mourning period.

I suppose the length of time you mourn depends on a few things. I think in a situation like mine, where you are caught totally off guard and there is no real choice to R, there is a lot of healing that has to go on post divorce. It hits us hard and hits us fast and the D seems like the start of the roller coaster ride from hell.

In your case, where R was on the table, you tried, and came to the realization on your own that you need to get out, I have to think that a lot of the healing has already occurred. The process of taking back your control and understanding your own worth has happened.

I would suspect that for people in your situation, D will likely come as more of a relief. If you describe your M as a "hell" for all these years, D may be something you will want more than some others.

Regardless of how you reach the decision, the other part of D is the feeling of freedom that comes once the grief and processing of reality is near the end. It's the freedom of being able to meet yourself again. The self that got buried and forgotten once you started to sacrifice all for the good of the marriage. You can rekindle old friendships and start new ones. Where you live becomes your own. It's amazing what paint, fabric and even a new toilet can do for your sense of independence. You have a chance to start your own traditions for holidays and special times. You have time to volunteer, take up hobbies, take a class, travel, etc. These all can be positive. and can help fulfill the need to get to know yourself all over again.

The time for a new relationship may come around one day too. However, we at SI usually try hard to convince people to hold off on that part for a while. Jumping from an M to a relationship doesn't normally work out and really robs you of the chance for getting to know you again.

Now, the one thing I did not mention is kids. If you have kids, they are older and maybe even have kids of their own. Even though you will not have to deal with visitation and co parenting and lots of the ugly shit that a lot of us in SD are forced to face, D will still no doubt impact your children. Their every day life may not change, but their family dynamic will change and you need to be prepared to hear their opinions and their desire to try to guilt you into thinking D is wrong.

There's lots more but that likely hits the broad strokes. I would spend lots of time in SD to read and ask questions. We are a good group and offer lots of love and support.