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Really bad day - I let myself get hurt again by him

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Artemisia posted 11/10/2013 16:04 PM

All, I could really use your help today. I am so mad at myself. I was no contact with my ex WBF for about four months. I broke NC a week ago or so and we agreed to see each other this weekend. He told me it was over with the OW, and had been for awhile. I asked if the door was open for us to get back together, and he said it was. I was so excited. I hadn't felt so good in months. I even stated reading in "reconciliation" a little bit, to see what went on in there. In a corner of my mind I knew how much I wanted him back, but I hadn't let myself feel it so deeply. This week I did, I let go and admitted how badly I missed us and wanted us back. I know now that I gave myself over entirely to that idea.

Well, we got together Friday night, had a great time.Talked about surface things and talked about some of our deeper issues. Like a total, complete idiot I ended up sleeping with him, staying over, spending the morning with him. Then nothing.

I reached out to him today and he told me, after a LONG conversation, that he's just not ready to do us again. Or, rather, that he thinks he's not ready, but wants some time to think about it. Help me. I am hurt all over again. He has control of me, again. Once again I've given him the power to choose whether I'm good enough for him, whether I'm worth it for him. He more or less says that he's not sure that he can do the work that repairing us would require. He's not sure that we could be repaired. Why then, am I so sure that we could be? Once again, I'm asking myself what I did, what I said on Friday that makes me not worth it to him.

Now I'm waiting for him to decide. Why can't I just stop this? Why can't I do it? What in the world is wrong with me? I hate the person I've become. I'm pathetic, and I can't even pull myself out of it. And if I'm honest, I truly want to wait to hear his response. I'm still hoping that he'll come around. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

newlysingle posted 11/10/2013 16:18 PM


You need to go back to the beginning. Read and do the 180. Forgive yourself for making a mistake and move forward. This guy has done nothing to earn back your trust and love. There are many steps that need to happen on his end before you can even consider reconciling with him.

I would strongly suggest you do some IC too. You need to understand why you tolerate this treatment from another person. You deserve better.

Take2 posted 11/10/2013 16:51 PM

You are so sure because you are willing to do the work. He is unsure -- not because you are not worth it!!! - but because he isn't willing to do the work. Repairing the damage you yourself willingly inflicted isn't easy and it appears he is not just weak but he is a coward. He may never be willing to do the work for anyone! This is no reflection on you.

What you need to focus on is not getting roped in again! Talk - and I mean no talk whatsoever - should give you hope, not now. Actions are the only currency in R.

I'm sorry he has hurt you again. Please forgive yourself, resume NC, begin again and even though it feels like square one - you know the path ahead and you know you can walk it!

laney57 posted 11/10/2013 17:59 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting again Art. You are not alone. I for one struggle with what you are dealing with. Start over, you can do this! Hugs to you

shiloe posted 11/10/2013 18:27 PM

I too am sorry you were hurt again, he is using us. Do not sleep with him anymore.

You need to "let go".

Try reading here:

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:06 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Vulcanized posted 11/10/2013 19:27 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting, Artemisia.

He more or less says that he's not sure that he can do the work that repairing us would require. He's not sure that we could be repaired.

Believe him. He is incapable and/or unwilling to do what is necessary to make you safe.

what I said on Friday that makes me not worth it to him.

This doesn't factor into the equation. You are worth it. He's too damaged to get it, tho. You can only fix you, he, himself.

My read on this is he wanted to see if you were still a viable option. My guess is you will hear from him when he needs an ego stroke or a shag.

Please think about why loving him trumps loving you.


PurpleRose posted 11/10/2013 19:55 PM

Many of us have danced this same dance with our WS. You are not the only one who has fallen into this trap-- when the WS feels lonely, when the OP makes them mad, when they start to realize this who divorce thing is going to be expensive, {insert any idiotic reason you want}... They come running back to see if we are willing to be Plan B.

And many of us confirmed we would forgive, accept these jerks back, and allow ourselves to be lured back into the center of the universe with the hope that our spouse has changed! They see the light finally! We are gong to make it!

Only to be sorry the next morning, or the next week/month/year. And it's not because WE are damaged or not good enough. It is THEY who are broken, damaged, sick human beings. They continue to inflict pain on us because they can. They know how to get to our soft spot and they do it.

You are worth so much more. Time to get back on the horse. It's never too late to start again. You take care of YOU. You decide that you are worth it and remember that.

nowiknow23 posted 11/10/2013 20:06 PM


Artemisia posted 11/11/2013 16:40 PM

Many of us have danced this same dance with our WS. You are not the only one who has fallen into this trap

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your responses and your compassion for my behavior. I'm talking with the IRL folks but it is so good to get feedback from people who have really been where I've been, or at least in the neighborhood.

Back on the horse, like you all say. Forward. But, where can I read about the 180? I don't see it posted in the healing library. Can anybody point me in the right direction (w/o soliciting)?

khrisdeus posted 11/11/2013 17:42 PM

I'm right there with you. I'm only in day 4 of NC and it's killing me. It hurts because this has been going on for almost 3 months, and I've finally put my foot down on getting a divorce. Stay strong. It's hard, it really is. How can you hurt so much, and them seem so indifferent? What usually helps me is the realization that the person who has been my best friend for 9 years is no longer my best friend. It sucks, but it helps. They're also not the person you fell in love with either if it's so easy to do to us what we would never be able to bring ourselves to do. Stay strong, I'm right there with you, and understand!

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