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Boundaries...and dating

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Harriet posted 11/10/2013 17:08 PM

I never really know how to write about my journey here. It's so complex and evolving that I feel like I would have to write a novel! But it would be nice to get support - I read posts here all the time and it helps me. I've posted a few times. My long term issues revolve all around boundaries. I've finally put up strict boundaries and it has helped a lot - believe it or not, I only just asked for the keys to my house back from him and it's been...2 years since he moved out?! Every time I tried to set boundaries I would let myself get sucked back in. Not this time. I have ignored his texts so successfully he has stopped trying. I just can't wait to get him out of my head. I know I'm not on his mind.

My new and somewhat refreshing issue is how to tell a man I am not interested in him. It's refreshing because I never thought I would get asked out on a date at all. I really didn't expect a second date so it caught me off guard and I agreed to a movie with him tonight. It's been so long - how do you tell a very nice person there just isn't any chemistry for you? Is it too cowardly to just not answer his calls? I try to think of how I would like to get the brush off, and I think it would hurt more to hear the words. I don't know.

I wish I wasn't in this position at all. Here I am almost 50 years old trying to start over. I thought I had received God's gift of a husband...turned out he felt he was God's gift to all women. He still does - my last conversation with him was after he broke up with the OW because, he told her, "I like a lot of women as much as I like you." How do I know this? No boundaries. He also told me he won't commit to any woman because he can love more than one at a time. This was the conversation where I asked for my keys back and literally said, "Have a nice life," and haven't seen him since. Go, me!

Thelastknight posted 11/10/2013 17:57 PM

I think I like: thank you but im not really feeling it! There is nothing to indicate there is a problem with them and has more to do with your feelings.

phmh posted 11/10/2013 18:36 PM

I usually say something like, "It was nice to meet you, and I'm sorry that we're not a match."

Definitely don't just ignore -- we call that poofing and are pretty much against it here. You'll feel better about yourself and the situation if you let him know.

I never give specific reasons, and on the few occasions when the guy has come back with something hurtful, I haven't responded.

Good luck in your NB and post more often!

cmego posted 11/10/2013 18:54 PM

I generally say, "You seem like a good person, but I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck in your search!"

It is a part of dating, letting people down gently. If they ask specifics, I try to say "I didn't feel a spark" or "No, I can't handle that you cheated on your wife (I've had to say this twice now!)". It is much more painful if someone "poofs"…if you read here, you know how much it sucks because there is no closure. Truth is always best.

Takes practice

She11ybeanz posted 11/11/2013 08:03 AM

Yeah....Don't be a poofer. As much as honesty can suck...I would much rather someone tell me the truth...even if it stings....rather than poof on me. I've been poofed on a few times and it was awful. I'm a big girl and I can handle the truth.

Harriet posted 11/11/2013 10:48 AM

OK - no poofing. I went out with him last night and again, he's a very nice man but I just felt nothing. If he asks me out again I will find my courage and let him know. Is it okay to do it in a text, at least? Lord, I'm a coward. I was worried he would want to try for an end of date kiss and I got in my car pretty quickly!!!!

Thank you for your responses.

cmego posted 11/11/2013 11:40 AM

That is all I would tell him, "You are a nice man, but I don't feel an attraction to you." If he asks for a friendship…that is up to you.

I think a text vs. a phone call depends on how he contacts you. If he asks via text, I would respond via text.

I've ended things after 1 date by text most of the time. The only time I requested an in person chat was with a guy I had been dating for 5 months.

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