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rachelc posted 11/10/2013 17:35 PM

What is it with this/men? I know I’m not supposed to make generalities. Hubby received a pic from weightlifting friend that he wouldn’t be there tomorrow to lift. The pic was the friend and a beautiful girl – probably a young sports reporter that just posed with him-, he said he wouldn’t be home from the football game in time as he was staying in (town down south). Hubby showed me it and said, “I bet his wife wouldn’t like this.” I kind of chuckled and agreed and then said that I was glad he showed it to me. But that it made me uncomfortable.

None of my friends would have done this. It would have been a picture of a pair of cool shoes or something.

tushnurse posted 11/10/2013 17:51 PM

People with crappy boundaries do shit like that. Too bad you can't forward it to his wife. Also someone like this isNOT a friend if the M and your H should steer clear.

sisoon posted 11/10/2013 18:30 PM

So. Your H's friend is 18, right?

authenticnow posted 11/10/2013 18:46 PM

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

I know I’m not supposed to make generalities.

Thank you.

rachelc posted 11/10/2013 20:58 PM

I'm sorry mods! I realize I could have posted without using generalities at all!

Holly-Isis posted 11/11/2013 06:05 AM

Can you talk to your H about how jokes about cheating make you uncomfortable? That all you can picture is the W going through the pain of being a BW?

And I'm sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding, but this whole exchange almost reads like a hint that the guys will be cheating with the pictured girl.

Who does this? Immature jerks without boundaries. People who have never been hit by infidelity and don't get the pain of it. This is part of why I consider myself in limbo. Less than a year after the end of MrH's 2A, he came back from an overseas trip and I found a picture of a woman sitting alone at a cafe table. As well as texts from a buddy about him being a ladies man. Assuming MrH's explanation is true (it may not be) it was all part of the joking he did with the Marines there. Since he doesn't have the sense to have his own boundaries, I can't trust that he won't walk the slippery slope. His new boundaries are "don't interact with women unless unavoidable" but I think that's a load of crap.

If someone can't tell appropriate from inappropriate behavior, it's an issue and their M is at risk IMO.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:05 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 11/11/2013 06:17 AM

we did talk and he understands but he did say that he can't control what people send him. I said I was uncomfortable that he now has a picture of a pretty girl on his phone...
I asked if they talk about women when they lift and he said they really don't.
i think it was some sort of "show off" picture.

this really sunk me for a while last night... and I had been doing well. I cried and told hubby I
was so angry I wasn't happy. And I do realize that my happiness is my own to cultivate.

I told him it was nearly impossible to recover from this and I needed to be very easy on myself and know that there will be good and bad days.

then we went to yoga and I felt better.

WhatsRight posted 11/11/2013 06:30 AM

I think about this sometimes.

I have wondered before if poeple do something like this - waiting to see the reaction. If we choose to smirk or laugh and sort of blow it off (not saying that is what you did) - then this sort of gives them a message that its not so bad - and they may take another step towards inappropriateness.

Is it possible that someone without actual "plans" to cheat, may see non-reaction as a sort of validation that "its not that bad" and so take another step toward really bad boundaries?

I say that too much in our current social world goes down the slippery slope because we don't want to appear to be prudes, or a buzz-kill.

I am a firm believer that we need to express and defend our values - even if we do seem to appear like a party-pooper.

Of course, I am a BS with little real hope to ever regain my marriage - so what do I know?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 6:31 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Holly-Isis posted 11/11/2013 06:43 AM

I'm sorry but the "can't control what other people do" phrase irritates me. Because the problem usually isn't what other people do, but how our SO reacts to it.

For instance, in MrH's case, I would have loved for him to tell the guy "I'm M and have eyes only for my W." Then tell me and either let me see or delete it depending on what we decided together. Instead, he left it there, never thinking id look because it's a phone from another country and useless here.

I'm sure you would prefer your H clued in and saw that the betrayal is still too raw...if it will ever come time to joke about that again. That he had some distaste about what the whole exchange implied. And that your heart is more precious to him than a pic of some random chicky his friend sent. Even that he would want to seek friends that respect their M enough not to take pics like this unless the W knows and is ok with it.

I say that too much in our current social world goes down the slippery slope because we don't want to appear to be prudes, or a buzz-kill.

ITA- if more people were brave and stood up for cherishing their M, at the very least it would better their M. At the most it would begin to change the world around them because of a "new" perspective. It's ok to love, honor, cherish and respect your spouse and M.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:47 AM, November 11th (Monday)]