Those are the 4 basic requirements of R. What's her time frame - yeah?
It is completely normal for you to vacillate - you've been struck - like a tuning fork - by trauma. You're still humming. That's natural.
No pressure to make a decision, man. Don't carry a burden someone else imagined for you. Just don't.
Our mc says I need to. decide soon cause it's not fair to her.
I rarely advise this, but in this case, it's time to get a new MC. I have seen a lot of bad advice from MC's here on SI over the years, but this may be the worst.
Our MC advised me to wait a year before making a decision. Turns out that was some of the best advice I could have received. I felt so much different about things at 1 year out, then I did at 3 months out. Had I been forced to decide right away, we would likely have been divorced now. It has now been over 6 years since d-day and we are now happily reconciled. We have been for years.
Think about this logically...You have just been dealt a severe traumatic blow and your emotions are running wild, particularly anger. Now you're being forced to make a decision without understanding everything that has happened? That's crazy!
I would say patience is in order here. You need time to get your head straight. If that's not fair to your WW, then too bad. For now, invest your money in a good IC instead of an MC. A good IC can help you think more clearly through this crisis.
Sounds like you're trying to do the right things. So sorry your MC is making it more difficult.
ETA: Good advice by jjct
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:03 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
Which s/he clearly is.
I had the same problem.
MCs cannot help when they are trying to beat one side up with the other's issues.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M 3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Sending hugs
you.know everything there is to know there's nothing new to.say
She doesn't want to forget what happened....she just wants you to shut up about it and stop asking questions because there's likely more to the story than what she has told you that she's hoping like hell to not have to reveal to you.
As to your MC's comment. Fuck her and her talk of *fair*. This is not a black and white situation. It is not *all in* on D OR *all in* on R from the get-go. You are allowed to hang back and 'take stock' of your WW...since she has revealed an aspect of herself that you are shocked by and didn't expect. The fact that you planted your ass in the MC's office chair is about as much commitment as can be expected of you right now.
Your WW should be damn glad that your ass wasn't planted in the seat of a D lawyer's office, IMO.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:04 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Perhaps he/she would learn the reality of our sich's.
I am 3.5 years out and still haven't decided.
Your ability to make good healthy decisions is based on your healing. I think your WS can offer some patience, considering she just decimated your entire world. It's the least she could do.
Healing is a process and there are certain benchmarks you reach along the way, that indicate where you are in the process, There isn't a stop watch attached. Healing can not be dictated by the calendar.
Any talk of "fairness" by a mental health professional is silly talk. There will never be fairness in this, and I suggest that idea be thrown out the window and the focus shift to your healing, and her individual healing.
I would explain to MC that healing is the priority. I guarantee you that your WS has some major issues that need attention.
If you are to heal more quickly it will be under the best circumstances. The "best circumstances" don't resemble what you are currently experiencing. Aside from complete honesty from your WS there must also be willingness to talk about the A with you, and revisit the same topics over and over. It is normal to discuss aspects of the A for YEARS.
As long as you don't have the 4 basic requirements listed by jjct, you are not working under the "best circumstances"
I reserve the right to ask questions indefinitely. I rarely do anymore...but it is understood that this topic is open for discussion, for the duration of our M.
I made the decision to go "all in" for R, but since I can not control the actions of my FWH, I am fully aware that I may change my mind should he make decisions that harm me or the terms of our M.
Since the MC has introduced "fairness," I would point out that having a year long A, with OM in your house/bed doesn't seem fair either. Fair becomes irrelevant.
Find a new MC. This just adds to my list of cautionary tales about BH going. Misandry 101 must be one of the core licensing requirements. If the genders were reversed I doubt many MC would give the same advice to you.
You are well within in your rights to give it some time. It is your decision. If your WW can't stay longer that 2 months without a decision (especially after a year long A), is that somebody you really want in your life ?
My guess is that your WW is pushing this too. MC may be taking the fall for her. Remind her the future is uncertain and you are not sure what will happen. This is a consequence of her decision, made without your input BTW, to go outside of the M. You may decide one day this is not worth and file for D. If she doesn't like it, no one is forcing her to stay.
Feel free to take my advice, but it is your life and only your decision. Don't let anyone decide for you.
DS 1, DD 6 Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I actually told him I'm likely to ask more as I process this. I can't help it, I need to know. He accepted this (not happy about it, I know).
If he gave me the "you know everything already" brush off, I'd have a hard time not seeing that as a red flag. That says to me "why can't you forget it?"
Really, I won't forget it, ever. What I'm trying to find out is whether I can forgive it and live with it. Not sure on that one.
But I must say, if anyone told me I had a deadline to make a decision, I'd be pretty mad. YOU didn't do this, so why are they pressuring YOU? If she was committed to making the marriage work for the next 10 years, she'd make sure she'd be there for the next few months. Sheesh.
[This message edited by HollyLou at 10:18 AM, November 11th (Monday)]
Keep reading the healing library here, keep posting, and get some good books for both you and your wife. This is a tough road.
Get rid of that MC. Tell your WS that you need time to heal - and that he needs to support that or walk.
1.It makes WH face up to the fact that he was leading a double life and now those two perfectly divided worlds are colliding destructively. 2.It allows me to gauge some tiny speck of honesty when I ask my questions. Usually, my benchmark is "the more disgusting his answer, the more likely it's true". 3.In a strange way, after I get over the initial shock of his responses, it's almost a bit of a relief...like the blindfold of the last 5 years is being slowly lifted off of my eyes.
Take your time, all the months,years, you need! Our priest told my WH that he had forfitted any rights he had in this marriage with his betrayal and that from this point forward,only I decide where this goes. Take that advice for yourself and no pressure.
