"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

whyme1525 posted 11/10/2013 18:35 PM

what is the normal time frame to decide what to do. Our mc says I need to. decide soon cause it's not fair to her... Not fair to her and having an A for over a year and doing it in my house in my bed was fair to me I like our mc but.I think he's wrong saying that. I go from r to d in minutes. one minute I say let's r then I think about what she did to me and our lives and I say d.. Is this normal for only being like 2 1/2 months since d-day or should I have decided by now..

Ann124 posted 11/10/2013 18:38 PM

Everyone is on their own time scale ... There is not a set time frame ... Sorry to say it took me 2 1/2 years to make up mine.

jjct posted 11/10/2013 18:50 PM

Your MC is wrong.
It is gracious of you to offer R, but your ww needs to do the work.
Remorse
Transparency
Honesty
NC

Those are the 4 basic requirements of R.
What's her time frame - yeah?

It is completely normal for you to vacillate - you've been struck - like a tuning fork - by trauma. You're still humming. That's natural.

No pressure to make a decision, man.
Don't carry a burden someone else imagined for you. Just don't.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/10/2013 18:56 PM

Our mc says I need to. decide soon cause it's not fair to her.

I rarely advise this, but in this case, it's time to get a new MC. I have seen a lot of bad advice from MC's here on SI over the years, but this may be the worst.

Our MC advised me to wait a year before making a decision. Turns out that was some of the best advice I could have received. I felt so much different about things at 1 year out, then I did at 3 months out. Had I been forced to decide right away, we would likely have been divorced now. It has now been over 6 years since d-day and we are now happily reconciled. We have been for years.

Think about this logically...You have just been dealt a severe traumatic blow and your emotions are running wild, particularly anger. Now you're being forced to make a decision without understanding everything that has happened? That's crazy!

I would say patience is in order here. You need time to get your head straight. If that's not fair to your WW, then too bad. For now, invest your money in a good IC instead of an MC. A good IC can help you think more clearly through this crisis.

Sounds like you're trying to do the right things. So sorry your MC is making it more difficult.

ETA: Good advice by jjct

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:03 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Tred posted 11/10/2013 18:57 PM

Agree completely with what JJCT told you mate. Not fair to her? Was it fair to you that she made decisions that impacted your life without informing you? Think about that - for you, it will NEVER be fair.

doggiediva posted 11/10/2013 19:03 PM

Some MC's are just completely wrong!
It is normal for you to vacillate..
At 2 1/2 months past D-day it may be too early for MC any way..
IC is a good choice for helping to shore up your strength..
You should not be forced to make a decision...
If WS or a C continues to pressure you maybe some separation from the M is in order until you can get some clarity and you see your WS doing the work of R..
Sending you strength..

Snowy posted 11/10/2013 19:17 PM

I was advised to wait at least 6 months. Give your self some time for the emotions to settle down.

Merlin posted 11/10/2013 19:28 PM

Your MC is not there to take sides.

Which s/he clearly is.

I had the same problem.

MCs cannot help when they are trying to beat one side up with the other's issues.

whyme1525 posted 11/10/2013 20:48 PM

I was surprised when he said it because otherwise he has been very helpful and will tell my wife when she was wrong about something or giving a bullshit excuse about something. I clearly made it know that im not ready and really don't give a shit what's fair to her she put me in this situation I didn't do it to her..... I have another question for you guys. Did you talk about the affair with your spouse??like whenever I say something about it she says you.know everything there is to know there's nothing new to.say and she thinks by talking about it all the time it makes it worse and we need to move on..... I feel she just wants to.forget it happened cause she can't believe what she did. but my thing.is believe it you did it and it should be spoken about...

1devastedmom posted 11/10/2013 21:47 PM

It's been 7 months and we still talk about it daily and he never gets angry or complains. I would be pissed if he wouldn't talk about it or complain that I want to talk about it.

Dreamland posted 11/10/2013 22:04 PM

You tell him and your MC that you cannot possible know if you will stay or R because it will depend on the actions of your WH. Our MC said that to me and I told her no.. She was wrong. I can and will take the time I need and that in a year I might decide that's it. I am done with the M... Our WS put themselves in this position when they cheated and betrayed us...
I honestly an out 20 months from DDAy and I don't know if I will stay. It really depends on how things continue. So don't be too hard on yourself. Take the time you need and tell her to chill. She had no problem running off and betraying you..

Sending hugs

gonnabe2016 posted 11/10/2013 23:03 PM

you.know everything there is to know there's nothing new to.say

I heard this phrase a lot in the beginning. Verbatim.
He was lying like a rug. I now consider *that* phrase to be a red flag.

She doesn't want to forget what happened....she just wants you to shut up about it and stop asking questions because there's likely more to the story than what she has told you that she's hoping like hell to not have to reveal to you.

As to your MC's comment. Fuck her and her talk of *fair*. This is not a black and white situation. It is not *all in* on D OR *all in* on R from the get-go. You are allowed to hang back and 'take stock' of your WW...since she has revealed an aspect of herself that you are shocked by and didn't expect. The fact that you planted your ass in the MC's office chair is about as much commitment as can be expected of you right now.

Your WW should be damn glad that your ass wasn't planted in the seat of a D lawyer's office, IMO.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:04 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Laura28 posted 11/11/2013 02:54 AM

I suggest you refer your MC to SI.

Perhaps he/she would learn the reality of our sich's.

I am 3.5 years out and still haven't decided.

refuz2bavictim posted 11/11/2013 03:37 AM

You do NOT have to decide what to do on some imaginary time line.

Your ability to make good healthy decisions is based on your healing. I think your WS can offer some patience, considering she just decimated your entire world. It's the least she could do.

Healing is a process and there are certain benchmarks you reach along the way, that indicate where you are in the process, There isn't a stop watch attached. Healing can not be dictated by the calendar.

Any talk of "fairness" by a mental health professional is silly talk.
There will never be fairness in this, and I suggest that idea be thrown out the window and the focus shift to your healing, and her individual healing.

I would explain to MC that healing is the priority. I guarantee you that your WS has some major issues that need attention.

If you are to heal more quickly it will be under the best circumstances. The "best circumstances" don't resemble what you are currently experiencing. Aside from complete honesty from your WS there must also be willingness to talk about the A with you, and revisit the same topics over and over. It is normal to discuss aspects of the A for YEARS.

As long as you don't have the 4 basic requirements listed by jjct, you are not working under the "best circumstances"

I reserve the right to ask questions indefinitely. I rarely do anymore...but it is understood that this topic is open for discussion, for the duration of our M.

I made the decision to go "all in" for R, but since I can not control the actions of my FWH, I am fully aware that I may change my mind should he make decisions that harm me or the terms of our M.

numb&dumb posted 11/11/2013 08:31 AM

2 1/2 months out after a year long A and you have to decide now ?

Since the MC has introduced "fairness," I would point out that having a year long A, with OM in your house/bed doesn't seem fair either. Fair becomes irrelevant.

Find a new MC. This just adds to my list of cautionary tales about BH going. Misandry 101 must be one of the core licensing requirements. If the genders were reversed I doubt many MC would give the same advice to you.

You are well within in your rights to give it some time. It is your decision. If your WW can't stay longer that 2 months without a decision (especially after a year long A), is that somebody you really want in your life ?

My guess is that your WW is pushing this too. MC may be taking the fall for her. Remind her the future is uncertain and you are not sure what will happen. This is a consequence of her decision, made without your input BTW, to go outside of the M. You may decide one day this is not worth and file for D. If she doesn't like it, no one is forcing her to stay.

Feel free to take my advice, but it is your life and only your decision. Don't let anyone decide for you.

HollyLou posted 11/11/2013 10:17 AM

As a point of comparison- I just found out (dday 10/30/13) and I've asked EVERYTHING under the sun, except positions, and he has answered everything. Some I have known, some I have not. I know what he bought her for presents (I saw the charges and knew the amounts), I know dates of the hotels, etc. I asked him about her frame of mind, if her ex-husband knew (he did), etc. It gets uncomfortable and very hurtful to me, but he has been honest (as far as I can tell.)

I actually told him I'm likely to ask more as I process this. I can't help it, I need to know. He accepted this (not happy about it, I know).

If he gave me the "you know everything already" brush off, I'd have a hard time not seeing that as a red flag. That says to me "why can't you forget it?"

Really, I won't forget it, ever. What I'm trying to find out is whether I can forgive it and live with it. Not sure on that one.

But I must say, if anyone told me I had a deadline to make a decision, I'd be pretty mad. YOU didn't do this, so why are they pressuring YOU? If she was committed to making the marriage work for the next 10 years, she'd make sure she'd be there for the next few months. Sheesh.

[This message edited by HollyLou at 10:18 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

industriousbee posted 11/12/2013 20:41 PM

If someone had ts me I had to decide that soon after dday I would have chosen D. I'm at 1 year post dday tomorrow and I still don't know what our future holds. The pain is very raw right now reliving dday on its anniversary. I would definitely look at the post in the healing library about choosing a counselor.

kansas1968 posted 11/12/2013 20:49 PM

Good Lord. I think you need a new MC. Sounds like he is more worried about her than you and she is the one who cheated. I don't think anyone should make a decision for at least a year. You will change your mind a hundred times in that first year.

Keep reading the healing library here, keep posting, and get some good books for both you and your wife. This is a tough road.

Daddo posted 11/13/2013 01:16 AM

Your MC should have his or her license taken away. You have been through a terrible tauma, you are in no shape to focus on fixing your marriage. First you need to fix you. This can take many months or even years.

Get rid of that MC. Tell your WS that you need time to heal - and that he needs to support that or walk.

loli posted 11/13/2013 01:29 AM

Completely Agree with HOlly Lou.
Although I recognize not everyone wants to know every excruciating detail, but for me, it is important, no matter how much it hurts.

1.It makes WH face up to the fact that he was leading a double life and now those two perfectly divided worlds are colliding destructively.
2.It allows me to gauge some tiny speck of honesty when I ask my questions. Usually, my benchmark is "the more disgusting his answer, the more likely it's true".
3.In a strange way, after I get over the initial shock of his responses, it's almost a bit of a relief...like the blindfold of the last 5 years is being slowly lifted off of my eyes.

Take your time, all the months,years, you need! Our priest told my WH that he had forfitted any rights he had in this marriage with his betrayal and that from this point forward,only I decide where this goes. Take that advice for yourself and no pressure.