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embee posted 11/10/2013 18:51 PM

And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been there. It's so UNFAIR. That just hit me earlier, as we were watching a TV show with a cute wedding scene in it. Every time something like that comes on, I always find myself hoping that it triggers something inside him. That it'll remind him of his feelings for me, and make him want to fully commit to R. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it.

And then I realize. Whenever I see something romantic that tugs at my heartstrings, naturally, I think of him. He's been my only romantic partner. Ever. And for him, I used to be the first person he really ever LOVED. Now, he has those feelings for someone else. When he sees a scene like that, he might just as easily be thinking of HER, and how he'd rather be with her instead of me.

And I'm not allowed. I can't go seek that romantic attachment elsewhere, because that would be wrong. It would hurt our relationship further. I'm trapped in a marriage with someone who only half wants to be here. How is that fair? Even if, right now, I decide to kick him out on his ass - I'll still have to go through the whole process of separation and divorce before I'll be free. Before I'll feel right about finding someone else. Meanwhile, he ALREADY HAS someone to gratify and return all those feelings unconditionally. What do I have? A broken marriage, in shambles, where I don't even know what to expect when I wake up in the morning.

I don't think I've ever felt this lonely.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 19:05 PM

Is reconciling really right for you? When you trigger do you tell him? My ex pretended to care but never took action. Waywards spend a lot time denying what they are and how much damage theyve caused. Special gift they have which only increases the pain. If he doesnt really work at the R, you may just want to rethink if R really is right.

embee posted 11/10/2013 19:08 PM

I don't know right now. Haven't changed my sig yet. He hasn't committed the way I hoped, but we're not separating right now either. It seems like telling him when I am upset runs counter to the principles in the 180, which I am going to try...I don't know. I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused by everything.