And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been there. It's so UNFAIR. That just hit me earlier, as we were watching a TV show with a cute wedding scene in it. Every time something like that comes on, I always find myself hoping that it triggers something inside him. That it'll remind him of his feelings for me, and make him want to fully commit to R. I know it's stupid, but I can't help it.
And then I realize. Whenever I see something romantic that tugs at my heartstrings, naturally, I think of him. He's been my only romantic partner. Ever. And for him, I used to be the first person he really ever LOVED. Now, he has those feelings for someone else. When he sees a scene like that, he might just as easily be thinking of HER, and how he'd rather be with her instead of me.
And I'm not allowed. I can't go seek that romantic attachment elsewhere, because that would be wrong. It would hurt our relationship further. I'm trapped in a marriage with someone who only half wants to be here. How is that fair? Even if, right now, I decide to kick him out on his ass - I'll still have to go through the whole process of separation and divorce before I'll be free. Before I'll feel right about finding someone else. Meanwhile, he ALREADY HAS someone to gratify and return all those feelings unconditionally. What do I have? A broken marriage, in shambles, where I don't even know what to expect when I wake up in the morning.
I don't think I've ever felt this lonely.
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated
"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."
