They are teachers, and up until September, had to work together in the same classroom and co-teach, necessitating continued professional contact. By late September my husband managed to convince his principal to split the class: OW is a learning support teacher and now takes the lower half of the class, while my H takes the higher group. They each do their own planning, so there is no need even for professional contact.
Yet she still persists. Just last Friday, she initiated a personal conversation with my H about how 'anxious' she's feeling about my return to work at the same school next year. (Damn straight she should feel anxious!!) H didn't engage on the personal level in that conversation and ignored all of her histrionics.
So my question is, now that there's no need for any professional contact, is it too late to send a full non contact letter? I'm sick of her continued attempts to engage my H.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
This letter is to inform you that I want no further contact with you, in any form. There is no longer any professional need for us to communicate: you plan for and teach your own class, I mine, and discipline should be handled individually: as trained professionals, no consultation is required. If you have discipline questions, please take them up with the principal. Your continued attempts to engage on a personal level are devastating to Nest.
The affair has caused intense pain to my wife. She is a shadow of who she was. Every contact that you make causes her fresh pain, and Nest deserves better than that. I live every day knowing that I am the cause of her hatred and grief, and strive everyday to rebuild the trust that our actions destroyed.
My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Nest did not deserve. While I cannot ever completely repay Nest for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to be the husband that she’s been missing. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and I do not want to do anything to risk their happiness.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
That is just ammo for her. She doesn't need a window into your life. She just needs to know that he is slamming the door and locking up your marriage because HE wants it.
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I guess because she's a former friend I kind of want to stick the knife in and jiggle it a little.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:26 AM, November 11th (Monday)]
It's obvious the OW does not care about any pain she's caused you - OR she would not continue to engage your WH on a personal level.
I too suggest: The NC Letter should not give the OW any window into your pain; or any personal information about you. The NC Letter should simply SLAM THE DOOR on any future CONTACT, and inform this woman that there will be be no future CONTACT on any level between your husband and HER, PERIOD...that they will have NO RELATIONSHIP PERIOD!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
IMO, the letter should be short and direct, with no personal info and no justification in it at all. Any justification allows ow to come back with, 'But it wasn't that way at all....' The letter should leave no opening for a response.
IMO, the letter needs to allow for future professional communication. Things change.
It may be best for your H to say, the next time ow tries to open a conversation, 'Let's keep our conversation to professional issues.'
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:18 PM, November 11th (Monday)]
It should simply state the request of no further contact, and he should some inkling of respect for you. That's it.
Please do not contact me, speak with me, or my spouse from this point forward.
I have chosen to give my wife the love and respect she deserves, and work toward healing my marriage.
Thank you, "
That's it. Simple straight forward, no feelings, and certainly no sticking the knife in.
The best revenge is living happily. She will see that every day come next year, and hopefully that will be enough, or the thought of it, to send her packing.
Are you guys ok with the following wording of points?
"On the following occasions you attempted to engage in personal discussion despite my request and insistence that our contact be only professionally necessary conversations:
- Continuing to attempt to discuss the state of your marriage after the affair ended.
- Purchasing groceries for us after our return from (o/s country).
- mowing our lawn while we were in o/s country.
- Asking me "Nest hasn't read everything, has she?"
- Discussing your anxiety about Nest's return to work, ambushing an otherwise professional encounter."
He feels this is a necessary inclusion as otherwise she will deny that she ever broke the verbal NC. There are numerous other occasions but they are ones she would be able to claim weren't attempts to engage. These are the irrefutable occasions that she can't deny.