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NC - 5mths in is it too late?

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Nest2007 posted 11/10/2013 19:00 PM

fWH has had to continue to work with OW since he ended their very brief A. He cut off all non professional contact with her and despite numerous attempts by her, has not engaged.

They are teachers, and up until September, had to work together in the same classroom and co-teach, necessitating continued professional contact. By late September my husband managed to convince his principal to split the class: OW is a learning support teacher and now takes the lower half of the class, while my H takes the higher group. They each do their own planning, so there is no need even for professional contact.

Yet she still persists. Just last Friday, she initiated a personal conversation with my H about how 'anxious' she's feeling about my return to work at the same school next year. (Damn straight she should feel anxious!!) H didn't engage on the personal level in that conversation and ignored all of her histrionics.

So my question is, now that there's no need for any professional contact, is it too late to send a full non contact letter? I'm sick of her continued attempts to engage my H.

OldCow18 posted 11/10/2013 19:39 PM

I don't think it's too late, do what you need to do to feel safe.

cantgetup posted 11/10/2013 21:27 PM

You should. Your return to the school
is a completely legitimate reason to make
such a NC request.

Nest2007 posted 11/10/2013 21:50 PM

This is the NC I've drafted for my H to tweak to his own liking and then send. It's cobbled together ftom several NC letters on different sites. Thoughts?

Dear OW

This letter is to inform you that I want no further contact with you, in any form. There is no longer any professional need for us to communicate: you plan for and teach your own class, I mine, and discipline should be handled individually: as trained professionals, no consultation is required. If you have discipline questions, please take them up with the principal. Your continued attempts to engage on a personal level are devastating to Nest.

The affair has caused intense pain to my wife. She is a shadow of who she was. Every contact that you make causes her fresh pain, and Nest deserves better than that. I live every day knowing that I am the cause of her hatred and grief, and strive everyday to rebuild the trust that our actions destroyed.

My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Nest did not deserve. While I cannot ever completely repay Nest for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to be the husband that she’s been missing. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and I do not want to do anything to risk their happiness.

Mr Nest

Lovedyoumore posted 11/10/2013 22:44 PM

I would take the very personal info about your pain out. State facts about him, her, the A, and no contact. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing about your pain and devastation. Your spouse can talk about his own disgust decision to stay in the marriage, but why give her any more insight into your life?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/10/2013 22:55 PM


That is just ammo for her. She doesn't need a window into your life. She just needs to know that he is slamming the door and locking up your marriage because HE wants it.

Nest2007 posted 11/10/2013 23:04 PM

I guess because she's a former friend I kind of want to stick the knife in and jiggle it a little. I know she feels guilty about it, and I'm happy to scrape her guilt raw, dunk her in the ocean and then bury her in table salt to inflict maximum pain. Hate how his A has twisted me into such a damaged, bitter and angry person. She keeps winning every time my anger spikes, even if I do have a model remorseful H.

anewday78 posted 11/10/2013 23:16 PM

I guess because she's a former friend I kind of want to stick the knife in and jiggle it a little.
She was never your friend if she had an affair with your husband and she doesn't feel guilty if she's still trying to engage him. I agree with the other posters - do not allow her a window into your pain.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 23:23 PM

Much of your hurt toward her is really for your husband. Dont release your husband from his responsibility because hes working on R. Make sure you get out your hurt toward the right person

Ostrich80 posted 11/11/2013 00:25 AM

I agree with the others, don't let her think she's causing you anything. Just stay the hell out of our lives, thank you very much. I got a little to personal in my letter to ow and have really regretted it. She doesnt give two shits if she's caused pain and I wouldn't want her thinking she had any power over me. If she cared, she wouldn't have had the A with your ws. She didn't then and she doesn't now..Jmo

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:26 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

Dare2Trust posted 11/11/2013 01:59 AM


It's obvious the OW does not care about any pain she's caused you - OR she would not continue to engage your WH on a personal level.

I too suggest: The NC Letter should not give the OW any window into your pain; or any personal information about you. The NC Letter should simply SLAM THE DOOR on any future CONTACT, and inform this woman that there will be be no future CONTACT on any level between your husband and HER, PERIOD...that they will have NO RELATIONSHIP PERIOD!

sisoon posted 11/11/2013 13:14 PM

Gently, IMO, your H needs to draft the letter, since it's from him. Otherwise, it's like a letter from little Johnny that his Mom wrote.

IMO, the letter should be short and direct, with no personal info and no justification in it at all. Any justification allows ow to come back with, 'But it wasn't that way at all....' The letter should leave no opening for a response.

IMO, the letter needs to allow for future professional communication. Things change.
It may be best for your H to say, the next time ow tries to open a conversation, 'Let's keep our conversation to professional issues.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:18 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 11/11/2013 14:38 PM

The NC letter should be given to her, and I don't give a rip who writes it, as long as it gives the appearance of being from him directly.

It should simply state the request of no further contact, and he should some inkling of respect for you. That's it.

For example:

"Dear OW,

Please do not contact me, speak with me, or my spouse from this point forward.

I have chosen to give my wife the love and respect she deserves, and work toward healing my marriage.

Thank you, "

That's it. Simple straight forward, no feelings, and certainly no sticking the knife in.
The best revenge is living happily. She will see that every day come next year, and hopefully that will be enough, or the thought of it, to send her packing.

Nest2007 posted 11/11/2013 19:24 PM

My H's opinion on the letter was that it wasn't harsh enough! But I will heed your advice and take out most of the pain stuff. However, my H says he wants (and I agree 100%) to include dot points detailing every occasion she has broken the verbal NC he gave her when the A ended.

Are you guys ok with the following wording of points?

"On the following occasions you attempted to engage in personal discussion despite my request and insistence that our contact be only professionally necessary conversations:

- Continuing to attempt to discuss the state of your marriage after the affair ended.
- Purchasing groceries for us after our return from (o/s country).
- mowing our lawn while we were in o/s country.
- Asking me "Nest hasn't read everything, has she?"
- Discussing your anxiety about Nest's return to work, ambushing an otherwise professional encounter."

He feels this is a necessary inclusion as otherwise she will deny that she ever broke the verbal NC. There are numerous other occasions but they are ones she would be able to claim weren't attempts to engage. These are the irrefutable occasions that she can't deny.


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