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Too much - five years.

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seenow posted 11/10/2013 19:35 PM

I think that there is more damage with more time. I think that I was pushed down more and more and more with every year. Now I am struggling with even saying what I want to do because the conversation gets diverted to him. I am just now seeing this.

Ostrich80 posted 11/10/2013 19:54 PM

Do you mean time as in length of the A? Like 5. Yrs of him going behind your back? I'm just trying to understand your post I guess. If that is what you mean, I think I.understand where your coming from.

seenow posted 11/10/2013 20:16 PM

Yes, O. Five years him of going behind and making me the reason for it. And him making the reasons become true. Like I am not social enough but then sabotaging me with his friends "my wife doesn't want me to have fun so she is making me come home" So many years of hurts.....

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 20:19 PM

Yep, hes blaming you for his screw up. Dont take it. Whenever he starts in walk away and say nothing. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Ostrich80 posted 11/11/2013 02:55 AM

My ws LTA of at minimum of 5yrs is why I can never R with him. It's intentional, planned, made time for...equals wasting 5. Yrs of my life. I was willing to try 4 yrs ago, no way now. I'm so damn mad for falling for his shit, 5 yrs I can't get back, spent on someone that can't go a day without talking to the ow. Makes me sick.

seenow posted 11/11/2013 10:22 AM

Dang Ostrich! It's just horrible. I am sorry.

Thanks GMLB.

Razor posted 11/11/2013 11:11 AM

Yeh. We cant get those years back. All the lies told and all the deception. We were living a lie because everything we knew about our life was a lie.

But you know. Those years taken from our life. That wont change if you leave your WH. Stay or leave and those years are still lost to you.

The truth is that THIS is where our life is now. THIS is our life. Changing course now wont change the past.

A affair is either forgivable or not. Even if the LTA is not forgivable some of us realize that a D would hurt us worse than staying in a loveless M. The decision of stay or go is up to you. If you believe you will be better if you D your WH then thats what you should do.

I think my point is to base your decision of whether to D or not on the FUTURE. Not the PAST.

Exit Wounds posted 11/11/2013 11:15 AM

Wow Razor:

I think my point is to base your decision of whether to D or not on the FUTURE. Not the PAST.

Good point! I never thought of it that way!

lordhasaplan? posted 11/11/2013 11:17 AM

read Razor over and over. Goood shit right there.

seenow posted 11/11/2013 12:12 PM

Thanks Razor. I am certainly looking backwards. I have been processing the past and hopefully on the last step. Maybe you or someone else could give me guidance.

First was placing the template of my life over the one he was living and matching up the who, when and whats. (When I set the dryer on fire and you were out of town, where you with her?)

Then the why's and they better not once involve me. That is his journey but at least he has some footholds in his own head to look around and not pointing at me or OW.

Now I am on to the how's and they are hurting. His justifications during the affair were my shortcomings. He made some of them happen. (I am not super social but became more so as he poisoned the minds of his friends. It became uncomfortable with them because he would say things like "my wife really doesn't like you". Yep, actual words from his mouth and you can imagine the coldness and distance shit like that creates.)

I feel like I have to have a handle on WTF happened before I can turn around. Can people turn around without processing? Should I not be processing?

Doesn't knowing these things help me make my decision? Yikes. Am I stuck?

Razor posted 11/11/2013 16:49 PM

I think its important to know the past soas to know where you are NOW. But dealing with all that horrible stuff can bring hurtful thoughts and memories and thats hard to deal with.

I struggled with not getting the whole story for a very long time. There are still allot of blank spots during the years of WWs LTA. It doesnt help that what she had was in my view a genuine love affair. A 6 to 8 year EA followed by a 3 plus year EA/PA (same OM). I have seen letters between them. WW was in love with him. She said things to OM that she has never said to me.

I really had a hard time with all that. And all the blank spots in her LTA story due to minimizing. lies of omission. and the old *I forget* mumbo jumbo.

I had a lot of FOO abandonment issues that made my recovery even harder. That and my Catholic up bringing put D out of my possible choices. I cant stress enough how I struggled with this.

In the end I gave up. Sounds easy. But its hard to do.

All those lies and stories are things my WW will have to carry. Those love letters are hers to have weigh on her mind as well.

I realized that there is NOTHING I can do to make my WW give a damn about me. Or want me to stay as her husband. I cant make her love me. I also cant keep her from cheating again.

Caring about the outcome. Trying to make the M work. Trying to be a better husband so she wouldnt cheat again. All of that and more just made me crazier and kept me filled with anguish and pain.

Giving up was the only sane thing I could do. I let go of the outcome. And I focused on me. I changed my life. I branched out. I became more. I learned to be content with myself. And I am happy now.

This was hard for me to do. And it took me about 15 years to get there. Be patient with yourself. Feel the things you need to feel. Dont rugsweep your own feelings. But also dont base your happiness on your WH. Or even your M.

Dont even define yourself by those things.

Stand on your own. Live your life and let others live theirs.

If WW cheats again I trust myself enough to know that I will discover it and handle it in a appropriate way.

All this sounds hard. And it was for me. Just keep at it and trust and love yourself.

[This message edited by Razor at 4:52 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

meplusfour posted 11/11/2013 16:55 PM

Razor, thank you for your insight. This is something that I have been struggling with.

Razor posted 11/11/2013 17:21 PM

Its not easy. But life rarely gives us easy things to overcome.

We do the best we can with the tools we have and the circumstances we are dealt.

HeartInADustpan posted 11/11/2013 17:28 PM

I know where you're coming from seenow. My WS was cheating on me since we were dating. I'll never understand. I struggle with looking back and trying to find something in our relationship that was ever "authentic" and there's just nothing there.

Razor is spot on. It's hard to swallow and embrace. So sorry you're hurting.

roarlouder posted 11/11/2013 18:43 PM

I feel your pain. My WH had a 5 yr A, and some ONS as well. It's still pretty fresh for me. We were young when we met so he's in pretty much every adult memory I have. I've decided not to let his actions and deceptions take those good memories away from me. I don't know if we'll R, but I gave everything I had purely and honestly and I am not going to let what he did take away that much if my life and my memories. I own the mwmories and I control them, for my sanity they can't be a waste and all tarnished.

seenow posted 11/11/2013 19:07 PM

Thanks everyone. Razor especially.

It helps to be pointed in the right direction. I think I know it but get mired in the muck. Maybe I should turn forward for a bit everyday.

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