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bitterness and bad thoughts

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259 posted 11/10/2013 20:14 PM

Hi all,

I'm wondering if someone out there in SI land has an answer for me.

I'm two and a half years out from last DD and have been separated since then and divorced for six months.

I've had lots of IC and have moved on from most of the aftershocks of the whole business. I have great friends, have dated a few men, and have supportive adult sons. I am over that man totally I believe and have moved forward. I have NC with him and would be quite happy to never lay eyes upon him for the rest of my life.

now to my 'problem', whenever I hear on the radio or read in a newspaper or on the net that a woman has been killed or in an accident in my city, my mind automatically hopes it is my ex's affair partner - now living together ever since he left me.

I've been cutting myself slack in this area for long enough now. I don't want to have these negative thoughts in my head. I know its not healthy for me. Kinda like wanting to poison someone by drinking the poison myself.

are there any tips anyone may have to stop this bitterness still being in my world?

thanks for reading, I feeling hopeful that some of you have BTDT.

gettinout posted 11/10/2013 20:23 PM

YIKES,I DO THE SAME THING!!!

SeanFLA posted 11/10/2013 20:37 PM

What has your IC said about it? Cause frankly it kinda sounds like you actually are still not over it completely yet. Just sayin.

259 posted 11/10/2013 20:45 PM


thanks gettinout but unfortunately this is not one of those times that misery loves company lol. I hope you can stop doing this too


Sean - I think I have healed, except this bitter thought thing that pops up every now and again. I don't think of "them" or "it" very much at all. Usually only when someone else brings it up. "They" are not in my head daily, weekly or even monthly, and usually its just a fleeting thought. I've another IC session this week (dealing with loss of son) so I will bring this up and see if I can get a direction to head in. thanks anyway.


persevere posted 11/10/2013 21:40 PM

I don't currently DO this, but I must admit, I could see myself doing this. Horrible as it sounds, who deserves it more?

Though honestly, 259, it may just take a little more time for you to reach THAT point of indifference, but I really think you will get there. It's not like you are taking action to MAKE these things happen, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Even being aware of it says something positive.

NaiveAgain posted 11/10/2013 21:55 PM

That is totally normal and it is okay. You are allowed to have negative thoughts about her...it would be weird if you didn't.

I wouldn't worry about it unless it is affecting your life in a negative way or impeding your goals in some way. If it is just an occasional thought here or there, that is to be expected. If you are focusing on her and spending a fair amount of time daydreaming about harm coming to her, then it is something your counselor should be working on with you to help you change your thoughts a bit.

It will fade with time, and especially as you start taking back control of your life. I was bitter towards the women that wrecked our marriage, although more towards my WS because he is really the one that did it, but at this point I am thankful for all of them because I now realize I am much better off without him. When you get to that point, the bitterness will ease off.

fireproof posted 11/10/2013 23:48 PM

I think it is normal as long as you don't spend a lot of time on her. It is still fresh.

When it came to OW I realized I wasn't married to her so she wasn't the problem. He promised me a faithful marriage. My guess is you are probably someone who follows rules and this whole thing screams injustice.

Keep focusing on you and as long as you don't act on it to a certain degree it might be healthy. It won't always be there.

Blackhair posted 11/11/2013 00:06 AM

You are definitely not alone here, Ws "fall in love" with a Philipine girl. And we legally separated, I hate this girl, but I understand WS is broken so even not her it will be another girl he will pursue.

Interesting enought a lot on the news about a big typhoon in Philipine! killing thousands of people.

My sister emailed me today and wish OW is the one among the dead.
Believe it or not my Mil called me too telling me she wish the same! I did felt aweful to wish some bad thing to someone! but I believe ow does deserve some punishment as the pain she caused me and my innocent children.

259 posted 11/11/2013 03:20 AM

thanks everyone. good stuff to think about.

and fireproof I am someone who always follows the rules. I've never connected that before.

look out IC lol, here I come.

thanks again

SusanR posted 11/11/2013 05:40 AM

I totally understand. She deserves to get hit by a bus! I let it go without retaliating (although my husband said she was afraid I would). I told him he could tell her she wasn't worth scraping off my shoe. I doubt he did but it's been six months and I honestly hope karma had found a way to deal with the bitch because I won't. My therapist suggested writing her a letter and then not sending it. I did that exercise before (wrote a letter to my cheating husband). It helped. Hugs!

clralb posted 11/11/2013 10:32 AM

Strange. I do the same thing, but with XWH.

I am pretty far out from all of the shit hitting the fan, so mostly I'm indifferent.

But every once in a while when I hear of a car accident, someone murdered, all of the bad things that can happen in one's life, for a few seconds I think to myself, "Oooh, I hope it was ex."

I know, sick. It doesn't happen much, but there are those times where that thought creeps in.

missherlots posted 11/11/2013 12:27 PM

This is what I know about it.

It might sound too simple but it is hard to do because you will have to face your own self.

When that comes to you, you have to feel it from the inside and feel it again with no judgment.
Let it flow and see what it is (anger, loneliness, fear or what you feel at the time) it sounds stupid for some but it will give you insight of the feeling.
It will change as we donít like uncomfortable feelings; self preservation will reign for while. You do it again and again with understanding that it is ok to feel whatever you feel, No shame or pity, just accepting.

It should start making you feel in different emotions, denial will appear and stay for while. Still you feel it how it shows in your physical body and your mind. You practice that and should reveal what is bothering you, and see it because you allow it from a nonjudgmental point of view, accepting things are they are.

It may not make sense at first, but it does work!

Something is causing these thoughts and until you reveal them, they will be there to show up anytime something triggers them. Facing the issue is the cure for it.

Practice it and it will give you the resolution for it.

I hope it helps a bit for you. If you believe in something above us, then you can trust in that to help you uncover what is bothering you.

My two cents

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