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Devastation-Please help

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HOLLOWHART posted 11/10/2013 21:18 PM

okay, here's my story-not unlike many others here.
Just found out last week my wife's been having an affair. been married almost 7 years and have a 5 yr old son together. overall a pretty good marriage; passionate, same interests, great sex. we've had our share of bickering like most couples (mostly about money), but nothing too serious. recently wife starts teasing me about having a boyfriend, joking and asking "if its ok with me?" so I go along with it, thinking its just a tease to get me riled up. so I'm like"sure, go ahead, whatever makes you happy, etc" and we're both laughing about it. so she mentions it a couple more times, still acting like its a joke and I could care less. then one morning she comes home from work, crawls into bed, hugging and kissing me and tells me again "honey I have a boyfriend, I'm in love". and again, I joke and say "good for you, im happy for you, congratulations". she then says, "you want to see a picture of him?" I say sure. she shows me a picture. older guy, not very attractive. then I grab the phone from her, thinking there may be more pics. she freaks out, screaming no! and trying to wrestle the phone out of my hand. I hold on to it for dear life and she finally gives up and says "ok go ahead". I browse through them and sure enough, pics of them hugging and kissing and hanging out at local places that we always would go. needless to say, Im hurt and shocked. I tell her "at least now I know" and walk away. I ask her a few minutes later to move out, preferably by the end of the month. it turns she's leaving the next day to visit an old school friend (which I known about for awhile). I tell her I won't be here when she comes back and I'll stay at a hotel until she moves out. so she comes back. she comes to the hotel one day and we hang out, talking and cuddling and eventually making love. now im starting to feel everything might be ok. I ask her several times if she slept with him and she denies it. she gets up to do something and I grab her phone and again, she freaks. I say I just want to read her texts. again she tries to wrestle it away, saying "you're just gonna get hurt". sure enough, the texts with the guy tell the story: the fun they had together, how she makes him feel so good and alive, the I love you so much, back and forth etc etc.
I just say "oh my god". im completely devastated. she starts to cry and says "I tried to tell you" turns out it wasn't her schoolfriend but it was him she went to stay with out of state. so he had come here (she was fucking him and then coming home) and then she flew out to him across the country to see him. Anyways, I have a complete breakdown. im in the hotel and im crying my brains out. in my 52 years I've never felt pain and grief like this. im hyperventilating, trying to keep it together. I call my employee assistance line for help and cant even talk, im breaking down so badly. I go to the house and start throwing all her shit out on the lawn. clothes, pictures, everything. she shows up and starts putting stuff in her car. I let her in to get some stuff, I look at my son and I just lose it. I go upstairs to my bedroom because I don't want her to see me cry, my boy comes up to see me and I lose it. she comes and hugs me crying, telling me how sorry she is. fast forward, we get together a few more times and make love. im thinking there's maybe a chance to fix this, talk about going to counseling etc. But she just keeps telling me its time to move on, that she needs time and space, that we can t live together anymore. in the meantime, I go to ic to try and figure out what has happened and what I do next. WS just keeps blaming me, telling me I wasn't making her happy, I was pushing her away,she was miserable, blah blah blah. sometimes shes warm, sometimes cold. but she's made it clear she doesn't want to try and save the M. and she claims it not about the affair. the worst thing now is she's showing no remorse. she even posted photos of when she was there with him on her facebook page. I sent the guy a couple of messages thanking him for helping to destroy our family (he never responded). She got mad, saying she told him she was separated. (so she evidently lied to him as well). I think she is in this so-called "fog" fantasy world I read about here. it seems she is just trying to escape the real world and is being completely sefish. I tried the 180 with her and it was actually very effective at first. but I failed miserably, didn't stick with it, went back to the pleading, begging, etc. but i'm trying again. my questions/concerns is how and how long do I keep up the 180? I don't want to fold again. And how do I deal with this pain?

Deanna posted 11/10/2013 21:45 PM

Sorry you are here. Wow I have to say I have been on the boards four years and have never read about someone confessing that way. Is your wife around your age? I agree with you that she is in a total fog. She is acting like a teenager.
As far as the one eighty - have you ever heard the saying fake it till you make it? To do the 180 you need to act like you don't give a shit what she does. Example, she comes and gets something from the house ignore her. Don't ask her about anything unless it pertains to your children. You need to keep the 180 up indefinitely or until she comes out of the fog. The pain dulls after time. It is hard in the beginning but unfortunately it's the old saying, "time heals"!

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 22:15 PM

She wants this fun new life and to "move on"...let her. Say nothing anymore to her. Walk away. You know shes a liar, cheat and could care less about her actions. Im not a huge "fog" fan, i think its paychobabble, and another way for waywards to not be responsible for words and actions. When a drug addict shoots a store clerk we dont give the addict a pass because they were in a drug fog, right? If she says move on, take her at her word. Gather all the evidence you can, go see a lawyer. You dont need slapped in the head to get the picture here. Take control of your own life. 90+% of relationships started in infidelity fail, hers will fail too, and she has embraced the cheater label for herself from now on...

gonnabe2016 posted 11/10/2013 22:36 PM

How old is your wife?

But she just keeps telling me its time to move on, that she needs time and space, that we can t live together anymore

Game over. She *needs* time and space? Ok fine. Give her a big huge dose of the *reality without you* that she is seeking.
So long as she has an OM, the only discussions are: kids, finances.
Your job right now is to turn into an emotional ice chip when dealing with her.

I know that you're reeling right now and very upset (rightfully so). BS' in the throes of this misery can't enjoy light-hearted laughs, but we *get* dark humor. So here's some dark humor for you: she is dumb enough to post pics of her and this guy on her FB page. You call the guy and leave a F You message.....and your WW is mad at YOU because SHE had lied to him and told him that she was separated. She's mad at you because you 'outed' her as a liar to her OM. That's just lovely.

While you are busy ignoring the crap out of her delusional deal with your pain by *releasing* it:
Exercise -- punching bag, lifting weights, running until you puke, etc.
Continuing with your IC
Post here like crazy. Writing your thoughts out is so cathartic.

I'm sure that some of the wise SI BH's will be along to give you much more succinct *guy* advice than I can give just hang tight.

And know that, whatever happens, you will make it through this shitstorm and you will be ok.

HOLLOWHART posted 11/10/2013 22:37 PM

all I can say is 'wow'. im definitely committed to the 180. im gonna hold strong. and I also have been thinking seriously about it-as much as I love her, do I really want to stay married to this woman after what she did to me, my life, my son, our family? she totally betrayed me, lied and cheated behind my back ( she was
messing on the zoosk personals website as well).
maybe that's where she met him. anyways, I don't know if I could ever trust her again. Plus, whenever I think of her having sex with another man, it makes me sick. and obviously it was more than once. and yes, she is younger. anyways, it really hurts. I have good and bad days. but mostly, im struggling. I just try to keep busy and not think about it. this website is a blessing. thanks for all your support

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/10/2013 23:01 PM

Oh I hear ya bro. Mine screwed a 20 year old kid then spent months telling me how cool she was for catching him. Sex takes no talent, and any horny woman can go to a college bar and spread eagle and get a 20 year old. So her ego was just fine while mine was shattered. I spent horrifying days in total agony, read the first hand accounts from her "thing i love about OM" notes. Visions are killers. And you do hope and pray karma destroys these monsters. And at the same time, you just want to forget it happened at all. So...

Heres my friendly tip on the visions. These arent based on reality. Its either way worse or way better than you realize, but its not your reality. These pictures in your head are just pictures. Bend them. Twist them. Change the colors, the shapes, and do it every time. Pretty soon the visions get less and less and the pain subsides.

CallMeRed1 posted 11/11/2013 04:25 AM


I'm so sorry. Your WW sounds like such a cake eater - ie she wants her new guy but wants you hanging around too.

DO NOT LET HER USE YOU LIKE THIS. For your own self-respect and sanity, stick with the 180. It is the very least she deserves after treating you like this.

I think you are on the right track with really thinking about whether you want to fight for a relationship like this, especially as she was on Zoosk as well, it does sound like a mid-life crisis but that is no excuse for treating you like this.

Thinking of you.


Nailinmyforehead posted 11/11/2013 05:11 AM

Hollo- Another BH here. My FWW was with Dreamy McSparklepants herself and was in the fog as well. You have to 180 brother, and focus on you. Throw yourself into work and exercise and your kids. Like you, my wife is a bit younger than me. I know how this hurts like hell right now and what a killer those visions are. Trust me, they will get fewer and fewer with time, and frequency between them will lengthen. Right now- let's take care of you. I get how she confessed. She wanted to pass it off as a joke to "test" your reaction. Sort of like dipping her toes in before making the plunge. She wanted to see what type of a reaction she could expect. Know what? Life without you is not what her fantasy riddled brain thinks it will be. Wait until reality hits and you are doing the 180. As I pointed out to my FWW and she found out, wait until reality and everyday life hits with the OM. Wait until the mundane hits and the honeymoon phase is over. Wait until she has to go into the bathroom after he was in there. Right now both of those selfish asses are on their best behavior with each other. You doing the 180 is FOR YOU. FOR YOU to take back some control over you and your life. I am rooting for you, Brother.

1owner posted 11/11/2013 06:11 AM


So sorry this had to happen to you. As others have already posted, go hard 180! I know you love her, and I still love my WW, but an unremorseful WS is not going to be good to live with, let me assure you of that. 180 may wake her up, if not, you will gain strength from it anyway. Stay strong!

jjct posted 11/11/2013 06:25 AM

The folks here are giving you great advice -
I especially love

Your job right now is to turn into an emotional ice chip when dealing with her.

Turn all your attention and energy into your own self - look within - stay within. It's all about you now, and your beautiful 5yo son.

Save all that evidence of her stupidity, and get to a lawyer ASAP.
I'm not kidding you - there's tons of guys here who got shafted by scheming wives. Yours is in stupidland right now. Use it to your advantage.

LivinginLimbo posted 11/11/2013 07:31 AM

Her "joking" about having a boyfriend may be one of the cruelest things I've ever read on this site.

I am so sorry that you're here. This was not your fault. It's typical of the WS to blame their BS instead of taking personal responsibility for their crappy choices.

Take care of yourself.

UpInTheAirNow posted 11/11/2013 08:04 AM

Glad you found this site. We know the pain all too well. My WW was not remorseful and that's why we are now separated. It's been about 17 months since D day. I tried for 6 months to nice her back and it didn't work. I have no contact with her and that is for my own sanity. When she tries to get in touch with me she gets crickets. Just know this, you will heal in time and none of this is your fault. For me it turned out to be a deal breaker. It took some time to figure out. You don't have to make any decisions yet. But prepair for the worst. Document everything you can and see a lawyer. Also get your finances in order. I took half the money and started my own checking acct. also canceled credit cards and got new ones. I feel your pain. Your not going through this alone. Whatever you choose to do we support you.

steadfast1973 posted 11/11/2013 08:22 AM

I am crying... your story sounds so much like mine.

lost_in_toronto posted 11/11/2013 08:41 AM


I'm so sorry. What a horrible experience for you. It is devastating when the people we love turn callous, cold, and calculating overnight.

It is easy to get sucked in to the small moments of intimacy offered to us when we are so bewildered and hurt. We need comfort, and are used to taking comfort from our WS - when it seems like that might be what we are getting, it's hard to keep strong and removed from the emotional soft landing it seems to provide.

Keep up the 180, and keep telling yourself that she has nothing to offer you right now. As you distance yourself from the drama she is creating (and looking for and addicted to right now) she will try to regain your interest. Stay strong, as strong as you can.

This shit hurts like nothing else.

Your job right now is to turn into an emotional ice chip when dealing with her.

This is, indeed, excellent advice.

HOLLOWHART posted 11/11/2013 08:55 AM

I just have to say I am blown away by the amount of support that is found here. WW just came over as I was reading the posts. she tried to hug me but I just stayed cold. staying hard on the 180. I really don't even want her hanging out here but she still helping with the bills, plus my son is here. I like the 'cake-eater' analogy. she just comes over and makes herself at home and then
goes back to her fantasy world. I feel like she's in for a rude awakening either way. im gonna stay the course, no matter how hard it is. I know reality is eventually gonna hit her. im not gonna let her play me like that anymore. I don't how many times she has said "I love you no matter what" and "I always be here for you guys". isn't that the equivalent of "we can still be friends, right". to that I say 'fuck you". she acts like she really cares and has pity on me. now she can think about it in her lonely hotel room.

Thefly559 posted 11/11/2013 08:58 AM

I do not venture into jfo often but this struck a cord. Triggered me. I am sorry brother. I know the pain well. No remorse is a different kind of pain. Curled up in a ball vomit type pain. Counseliing is a great step , gym , journal, read. All positive outlets. You need to be focused and strong to navigate the next steps!!! Trust me. I am sorry you are here but you will get past this. I know because I will too.

LetMeRollIt posted 11/11/2013 09:14 AM

What a piece of work she is.

As others have said, control the only thing you can. Yourself.

Exit Wounds posted 11/11/2013 09:25 AM

I just want to send you and your son a hug ((((HOLLOWHART & son)))). I have no advice except to STAY STRONG for you and your son. This is a shit storm, hang in there and hang on. IT WILL PASS but it will bring you to your knees. Hang in there, we are here, we have been where you are at now and we are at the end of the tunnel, IN the light. You can join us here...
We are waiting for you. We are here. We will support you.
Love, hugs and peace my friend,

Sproket posted 11/11/2013 09:59 AM


It's just been a week for me but like everyone is saying the 180..

At first I didn't get it but read it man read it.

HOLLOWHART posted 11/11/2013 10:09 AM

man, I don't know what to say. this site is the best thing that has happened to me since DDAY. im just so grateful for the support and kind words. whenever im having a tough moment, I know I can come here. it touches my heart, and I share in everyone else's pain here. there is an amazing of amount of hurt, but knowing other folks have been through this mess and their willingness to share their thoughts and wisdom is invaluable. it gives hope and a reason to hang on. im very touched, thank you

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