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Kids called him selfish...

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cmego posted 11/11/2013 06:24 AM

Ex is in Hawaii, and failed to tell anyone, me or the kids. He is supposed to inform me when he travels so I can find him if something goes wrong.

Well, I guess it is on his FB page and someone said something to me (with kids in earshot) of his Hawaii vacay.

My 10 year was…angry. ANGRY that ex didn't tell her he was going. "So, I guess we wouldn't find out? Why wouldn't he tell us?? I want to go to Hawaii!!"

I answered the best I could, the usual: You need to ask your Dad.

She then said, "He is just a selfish person. Selfish for not telling us he was gay, selfish for leaving you and leaving us!"

My 8 year old starts crying and clinging to me, then says "If I had to choose, I always want to live with you!!!"

Ugg. All of this because he doesn't see the point of telling the kids the truth. He calls them every night and talks for 2 minutes. He has been in Hawaii for a week, and never told them.

I told dd that ex loves her the best way he can, I don't agree with his choices either, but all we can do is move on and live the best life we can. I am happy that he is in her life.

When he called, she confronted him. I was proud of her, (and I stayed out of it). I'm guessing he will take this out on me soon.

Everyone told me that the day would come that they will connect the dots. IC said early teen years. I am amazed at her, and feel terrible all at the same time.

She feels like her Dad was selfish and left her. Poor littlecmego, I hate this life lesson.

MakingLemonade posted 11/11/2013 07:59 AM

Those who tell me and the kids that this is between spouses don't have a clue what they are talking about! Grrrr! Their mental dysfunction is what brought on this world of chaos and it impacts their relationship with their kids too. You have a smart little cookie. It's painful but at least she understands him and hopefully will not take his betrayals and lies personally. My teen doesn't speak to or see X and tween tolerates and uses him. They both see X for what he is without my help (sometimes even better than me). It's gotta be healthier for them in the long run.

nowiknow23 posted 11/11/2013 08:36 AM

Ugh, cmego. I hate that your kids are going through this. You are handling things, as always, beautifully. Strength to you as you help them navigate their way through the anger and hurt.


fraeuken posted 11/11/2013 10:16 AM

cmego, hugs to you. It is very hard to watch your x slowly destroy their relationship with their children too.

I have a very similar scenario here as well. DD16 has called him selfish many times over the last few weeks; she said to me the other day: "Dad never even stops and takes a moment to consider how his actions might impact other people. And somehow he thinks everybody should just play along but one day his luck will run out..". Last night I asked if she had any communication with her father in the last week that she has been with me and if she had squared away her schedule with him. Her response: "No, haven't texted him, haven't talked to him, he has not contacted me and as far as I am concerned, that is a good thing. I don't want to go to his place anyhow."

And xh was so convinced that the kids would always choose him because they hated me and he was the 'fun one'.... NOT.

cmego posted 11/11/2013 11:37 AM

I have an IC appointment tomorrow, so I will definitely be discussing this issue. I don't exactly know what I should do…but I know I should let them figure this out for themselves.

I do agree when they say their Dad is selfish. He is very selfish. I'm not going to contradict what they are now seeing.

I'm just afraid for my children. Their Dad left them. How is this going to affect them as they become older and start navigating relationships??

nowiknow23 posted 11/11/2013 11:42 AM

How is this going to affect them as they become older and start navigating relationships??
This is a major concern of mine, too. I think the effect is dependent upon how you and others around them (including counselors) help them process it. I have no doubt that you will give them all the support and resources they need to process it in a healthy way. Big hugs to all of you.

damncutekitty posted 11/11/2013 17:39 PM

I'm just afraid for my children. Their Dad left them. How is this going to affect them as they become older and start navigating relationships??

I know how this affected someone I am close to. They are lucky they have you to be there for them, but I would strongly recommend IC so they don't internalize it.

PurpleRose posted 11/11/2013 19:55 PM

I have the same worry cmego. My girls were both abandoned by their father, and that is damaging to kids. To make it worse, he has maintained a close relationship with their little brother! I cannot even imagine the depth of pain this causes the girls- my teen especially.

Lucky for the kids, all of them see their father for who and what he is - a liar, a cheater, a man they cannot open up to or depend on. HE has taught them that when the going gets tough- it's time to throw in the towel. HE has taught them that HIS happiness outweighs anything else in his life. HE has taught them that he will continue to lie to them and hide the truth- which angers them because they can see right through it all. It is insulting to them.

But yet somehow he continues to try and blame me, tries to convince the kids that mom is difficult, mom is selfish, mom is a narcissistic person. Funny thing- if he had the kind of close relationship with the kids that he tries to portray on Facebook, he might know all 3 kids have him pegged for the unreliable parent his affair has turned him into. They have his number, and I didn't have to do a damn thing to help them figure it out.

Your kids are just as smart and can see through the facade that is your ex. Let them. Let them wade through his bullshit (I know it can get thick!!) and eventually they will do what they need to in order to have-- or not have-- a relationship with their dad.

cmego posted 11/13/2013 12:39 PM

I spoke with my IC at length about this interaction with my dd. She acknowledged that I am seeing the "connecting the dots" earlier than normal…but dd is very, very bright.

The good news is as long as the anger is outwardly directed, we are doing OK. My job is to continue to reinforce that I love her, and her Dad loves her…and that she needs to continue to tell him how she feels. The problems are when she/we internalize the issue, "I'm not good enough to be loved…". She is saying (paraphrasing) "Dad is a jerk."

As one of my besties told me, "I believe littlecmego has some of cmego in her!" Yup. She does.

This morning, I found out she attended a divorce support group at her school yesterday, aptly names "The Banana Splits Group". They were talking about visitation, and one of the other kids spends 2 hours Christmas Day and Mom's and 2 at Dad's. Then they shared "stories". One of the other kids said, "I don't know why my parents divorced. They get along…". I asked littlecmego what she said, and she rattled off, "Well, my Dad was born gay but hide it and married mommy and mommy found out that daddy was dating boys so they divorced." She said she felt sad for the kid that said he didn't know why his parents D'd. I know the kid she is talking about too, he was in her class last year and he is Trouble. With a capital T. So I told her to try and have some more sympathy for him…he sounds lost.

I asked if she told many people that Daddy is gay, and she answered, "Only the people I trust."

Damn. This child is 10. She gets it.

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