Reading your post it is like I wrote it myself!
I still want him to hold me, his embrace has always meant things would get better. I felt protected from everything bad in the world.
It is so hard knowing that the same man who could make my pain go away is the one who has hurt me the most.
But like you... I still love him.
So far he has been willing to answer every question I ask. When I have a trigger and start to pull away he has always come up to me and asked if his touch is wanted or if I need my space. He has been willing to go to the MC and has given me access to every email/social networking site, and has put a tracker on his phone.
When we made love for the first time after D-day he cried.
All of these things make me so hopeful that things will work out. But then something happens.
The other day we were having one of our best days yet. I checked the tracker on his phone and saw an incoming text from a number that was familiar to the OW, and it was a number not in his contacts. He said he never received a text, well I knew that was crap and after a few minutes of me being a computer stalking genius I tracked the number to a friend of the OW. Confronted him and he told me that he did get a text from her friend telling him to contact the OW, she needed to talk (the OW did not know he was married, and I have the feeling she isn't going to want to let things go even after everything came out)
He apologized over and over again, saying we were having such a great day he didn't want to ruin it. He didn't respond to her, I know that since he has only a cell, no work/office phone, and we have no house phone. But I told him that because of this dishonesty we had taken a step back, and that every time he get a message or call from the OW or someone on her behalf he was to hang up on them, and tell me the number so I can block it. I think I am just going to change him phone number.
Sorry to go on and on, it just feel good to let it out.
Anyways, I understand how confusing it is. How can we love someone who has hurt us so much?
I used to think if this ever happened to me it would be the easiest decision to leave. Boy was I wrong.