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Painful and confusing feelings?

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heartbroken2012 posted 11/11/2013 07:44 AM

Betrayeds: Please respond if I am not the ONLY one that feels/thinks this.

Waywards: Respond if you have any insight.

I am confused by my feelings. I am so so incredibly hurt by my WH's cheating. It hurts so bad its like I wake with a knife stuck in my heart EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every day I go to work (where the A took place) it feels like that knife is turning. I look at my husband with PAIN, angry, hate, love, dissapointment, SADNESS etc.


I also need him. I know that I dont want to live my life without him. I miss him when he is gone. I get comforted when he hugs me and when i am wrapped in his arms and smell him. I miss him when he is away.

Even after everything, and even tho I feel so hurt all of the time, and cant stand and believe he cheated and betrayed me in the worst way...I still love him.

This feeling of hurt, pain and sadness and love confuses me. On one hand I hate him and cant stand the sight of him and cringe at the thought of him touching someone else and hate him for it, but the on the other hand I love him and still need him.

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 8:00 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

deena posted 11/11/2013 07:59 AM


You are not the only one that feels this way!!
I did too!

The difference in your heeling may be in how he responds to your pain and how he helps you to heal.

After DD for me my WH did not hug me,(he was the only one I felt I could turn to for comfort).... only allowed me to talk with out anger from him a few times a couple of months after DD. Then he wanted the talks to stop even after I said I needed them. Would not come to counselling with me, etc

Now my feelings for him are dead.

That is my experience.....but I am sure someone will respond that had a more understanding and remorseful WS and things have turned out better for them.

But those feelings in the beginning are not unusual.

Take care of you .....take it one day at a time. That knife gets a bit less noticeable.

hardtimesinlife posted 11/11/2013 09:37 AM

I felt the same way.
I felt he was the only one who could soothe my pain.
When I cried I only wanted him to comfort me.
Then when I needed answers he didn't want to give them.
When my anger stage hit I needed him to come toward me. To help me through. He wouldn't. It made him uncomfortable.
When I triggered I needed him to help me over the rough spots. He didn't, wouldn't.
When I asked him to get rid of items that were involved in the A he thought it was stupid.
And then, Like Deena, my love for him eventually died. My anger hit an all time high. My moods hit an all time low. I nursed the R for too many years until I was healed but the relationship was destroyed.

IMO the dying love didn't have to happen. If the ws could just understand that the act of destruction brings with it a responsibility to repair then there is hope. Without sufficient repair the love dies a slow painful death.

FightingBack posted 11/11/2013 09:51 AM


No, you are not alone in these confused emotions. when we have been betrayed, the actions are seemingly hateful, yet we still love the betrayer. Of course it is confusing.

And yes, our comfort comes from the one that tore out our heart. What irony.

When I wake up during the night, I am drawn to my H. I wrap myself around him and feel so good to have him beside me. But if I don't fall back to sleep immediately, I begin to think of him and her, and I have to pull away from him.

Don't fight those feelings. I am pretty sure they are "normal" for such a messed up situation. Just feel them. Accept them. And then let them pass.


BrokenMomof2 posted 11/11/2013 10:54 AM

Reading your post it is like I wrote it myself!

I still want him to hold me, his embrace has always meant things would get better. I felt protected from everything bad in the world.
It is so hard knowing that the same man who could make my pain go away is the one who has hurt me the most.

But like you... I still love him.

So far he has been willing to answer every question I ask. When I have a trigger and start to pull away he has always come up to me and asked if his touch is wanted or if I need my space. He has been willing to go to the MC and has given me access to every email/social networking site, and has put a tracker on his phone.
When we made love for the first time after D-day he cried.

All of these things make me so hopeful that things will work out. But then something happens.

The other day we were having one of our best days yet. I checked the tracker on his phone and saw an incoming text from a number that was familiar to the OW, and it was a number not in his contacts. He said he never received a text, well I knew that was crap and after a few minutes of me being a computer stalking genius I tracked the number to a friend of the OW. Confronted him and he told me that he did get a text from her friend telling him to contact the OW, she needed to talk (the OW did not know he was married, and I have the feeling she isn't going to want to let things go even after everything came out)
He apologized over and over again, saying we were having such a great day he didn't want to ruin it. He didn't respond to her, I know that since he has only a cell, no work/office phone, and we have no house phone. But I told him that because of this dishonesty we had taken a step back, and that every time he get a message or call from the OW or someone on her behalf he was to hang up on them, and tell me the number so I can block it. I think I am just going to change him phone number.

Sorry to go on and on, it just feel good to let it out.

Anyways, I understand how confusing it is. How can we love someone who has hurt us so much?

I used to think if this ever happened to me it would be the easiest decision to leave. Boy was I wrong.

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